Parenting without power play
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«Everyone is responsible for their own life and no one else,» says Jesper Juul.
Instead of taking their children seriously, many parents exercise power above all else.
For the parenting expert, giving children responsibility means giving them space. However, this does not mean fulfilling the child's every wish.
Juul cites an example from his youth: when he started going out at the age of 13 or 14, his mum told him: «Don't come home too late!» So she gave him the space to decide when it was «too late» for him, she didn't say: «You have to be back by 10 pm!»
Read the full article to find out more specific examples of how parents usually exercise power unconsciously and how you can really take your child seriously.
From obedience to a sense of responsibility - in a way, this is an educational paradigm shift. But how is this to be realised in everyday family life? Respect, personal responsibility, that sounds wonderful, but what does it look like in practice?
To answer this question, I would like to take a closer look at the difference between responsibility and power . When we talk about the fact that children are capable of taking responsibility for their own person to a certain extent, parents immediately think that this can never work. And why do they think that?
Because for them, the sentence: «I must bear the responsibility» is synonymous with the sentence: «I hold the power. I am empowered.» But: It is a real challenge, but at the same time an extremely philosophical matter, that each of us is responsible for our own life - for our emotions, our thoughts, for our being.
Because it's frightening: the moment you take responsibility, you are confronted with your elementary loneliness. I can't blame anyone for my life as I live it - I can refer to my childhood and say that this or that influenced me a lot, but I know I can't talk my way out of it - the responsibility for my life is mine alone and nobody else's!
Do I want to be responsible for my life or do I want to be a victim?
And in this context, people are faced with an existential choice and have two options: Do I want to be responsible for my life or do I want to be a victim? Most of us will immediately say: «Of course I want to be responsible. I've been a victim long enough and I'm tired of being bullied by others!» In families, we have an old tradition that we cannot easily escape, namely that parents bear personal responsibility for their children, even if they completely ignore the children with this «good» intention.
Personal responsibility is not something that is sometimes given to the child and sometimes not. They either have it or they don't!
In reality, parents can only pretend to be responsible for their children, but they are not. Because if you hand over your responsibility to someone else, you are lost - even as a child. But children can't talk about their responsibility that way. No child comes to their parents and says: «I want more responsibility for myself!»
Children don't speak in philosophical-existential terms, they speak in socio-political terms - so they will say to you: «Why do you decide when I go to bed? I want to decide!» Or: «When am I old enough to decide for myself?» The mistake parents make is to think that giving the child more responsibility would give them more power, which would mean they would have less from now on.
Giving children space
I was once consulted by a mum who told me quite simply: «What's in your book is not right! You need to correct it! We have a nine-year-old boy and we have to fight with him every time to get him to go to bed so that he can go to school the next day well-rested. And then I read her book that says we should let the kids be in charge of when they go to bed and how much they want to eat. So we decided to let him decide when he goes to bed when we're at our weekend house - on holiday or at the weekend. But even then, he doesn't go to bed until two or three in the morning - so it doesn't work!»
Like this mum, most people think about responsibility. But personal responsibility is not something that is sometimes given to the child and sometimes not.
If you are not prepared to take your child seriously, don't expect them to take you seriously either.
It either has them or it doesn't! The little boy can't just have it at the weekend and not the rest of the time. Because that's how responsibility becomes power. For me, the following event was a significant and great gift from my mother - certainly unintentionally, because like all mothers from that time, she believed in strict rules: when I started going out at the age of 13 or 14, my mother told me: «Don't come home too late!» So she gave me the space to decide when it was «too late» for me, she didn't say: «You have to be back by 10 pm!»
I was allowed to take responsibility for my «late». In the example with the boy who didn't want to go to sleep, the parents treated responsibility like power. And they thought that if they gave their son a little more power from time to time, they could no longer be blamed. If they had recognised him as a responsible person, they would have been free to say what they personally thought about him going to bed so late: «I mean, you stay up too late. You should go to bed before midnight.»
It's not about a power game
However, giving children responsibility does not mean fulfilling their every wish. For example, children often have a clear idea of how they want to look - what clothes they want to wear, what haircut and so on. But that doesn't mean you should buy them everything they want.
It only means that when they say: «I want these shoes!» that you take it seriously. And it might actually be the case that you don't buy them and tell them: «I can see that you like these shoes, but they're just too expensive for us! You'll have to look for others.» So this is not about a power play - about the question: Who has the power? -It's about responding to the other person and taking them seriously.
I can't blame anyone for my life as I live it. The responsibility is mine alone.
The dialogue between husband and wife is similar: one wants to go on holiday to Spain, the other to Finland. They have to find a solution - one possibility would be: «This year we're going to Spain, but next year we're going to Finland.» Both wishes have been taken seriously, and it must not be a question of who is more powerful, who gets their way, because that leads to a lack of relationship.
If both agree that the most important thing is to go somewhere together, then they can talk about it openly, don't have to suppress their wishes and will certainly find a solution. For my parents' generation, for example, going on holiday together was a must. Today, it's voluntary if both people want to - yes, but they don't have to!
It's the same with children - the child wants something that you really don't like. Then you have to tell them and make it clear to them why you don't like their idea. And they will take you just as seriously as you take them seriously. Because if you're not prepared to take your child seriously, don't expect them to take you seriously either! If a child senses that you are not taking them seriously, they will boycott you behind your back and only «follow» you for the sake of appearances.
This text comes from the book «Wir sind für dich da. 10 tips for authentic parents» by Jesper Juul. Published in 2005 by Kreuz Verlag. The book is out of print.
