Parental burnout: can the breakdown be prevented?

Preparing the presentation for the new project, shopping for dinner with the parents-in-law, helping the daughter with her English homework, arranging a check-up at the dentist, driving the son to dance practice, baking muffins for the neighbourhood party: parents are circus artists. They always try to keep as many balls in the air as possible at the same time. The balls change as the children get older, but there are never fewer.

This has consequences: More and more parents feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Modern family life has become a health risk. There are hardly any figures to back this up; nobody in Switzerland counts exhausted mums and dads. In Germany, however, they do. The German Mothers' Convalescence Organisation provides mothers - and fathers too - with spa treatments and keeps statistics on an ongoing basis.

Every year, 40,000 mothers take up the offer. The number of spa mothers with exhaustion syndromes or even burnout, sleep disorders, anxiety, headaches or similar illnesses has risen from 48 per cent to 97 per cent over the past 15 years.

There is no comparable organisation in Switzerland, but experts assume that the figures are similar. If not even higher: the fact that parental leave is significantly shorter in Switzerland means that the dual burden of family and career kicks in much earlier.

But what are the causes of increasingly exhausted parents? And what can families do to avoid becoming overwhelmed in the first place? This dossier aims to provide answers to these and other questions.

Constant time pressure, work-related stress and balancing children and work are the main stress factors for mothers.

More and more experts are looking into the phenomenon of parental burnout. «Mothers want to live up to the high pressure of expectations and often only seek professional help when they can no longer function,» says Anne Schilling, Managing Director of the Müttergenesungswerk, assessing the situation.

The three main stress factors cited by mothers are constant time pressure, work pressure and problems reconciling children and work. «There is too much on too few shoulders,» says Marlene Held. The psychological psychotherapist at Inselspital Bern observes that parents are often left alone in the nuclear family. The risk of chronic exhaustion is therefore high: «The fact that so much is shifted onto the individual puts a lot of pressure on the parents.»

Added to this are the increased demands of the meritocracy. More and more has to be done faster and faster, we are flooded with stimuli and drown in wanted and unwanted information. Anyone running a family is responsible 24 hours a day. School, work and leisure time are tightly synchronised and at the same time a highly fragile construct.

Small disruptions in the system - child sick, childcare cancelled - quickly sap a lot of energy. «Even with an everyday routine without additional burdens, life with children in a small family is on the one hand very enriching, but on the other hand demanding or even overwhelming,» says Marlene Held. It is important for her to emphasise: This is completely normal.

Families suffer from isolation

From an evolutionary point of view, humans live best in groups: earlier in tribes, later in extended families. Parents support each other, help each other out, look after each other's children, run errands for each other. A nuclear family can no longer fall back on such structures. They therefore have to create them for themselves. «The African proverb that it takes a whole village to raise a child is very true,» says Marlene Held, «but we no longer live in such networks today.»

Perfectionist parents usually fail because of their own demands. «I find the demands that parents with very high expectations impose on themselves problematic,» says Stephanie Hefti, a psychologist at the University Psychiatric Clinics Basel. The higher the demands, the more likely it is that I won't be able to fulfil them.

According to Hefti, being a parent is a big challenge in itself, as everyone is doing it for the first time. «Always wanting to cover and achieve everything that is theoretically possible is unrealistic and often leads to excessive demands,» explains Hefti. It's okay if there's no home-cooked organic meal on the table in the evening and the 8-year-old only has one hobby instead of four. Hefti advises parents to try to become more aware of their own needs. To listen to themselves and ask themselves: What do I want and can I achieve? Where are my limits?

Help should be offered on a low-threshold basis ...

Constantly being overwhelmed and ignoring your own needs over a long period of time can lead to sleep disorders, anxiety or even exhaustion depression, for example. It is therefore important to take your own body alarm system seriously, emphasises Hefti.

Anyone who notices over a longer period of time that he or she is often irritable and thin-skinned, that noise is perceived as very stressful, that they feel emotionally distanced from their children and that sleep is no longer restful should be alerted.

If creating beyond your own strength is a permanent condition, it is high time to act.

When two weeks of holidays are no longer enough to recharge the batteries, but instead exhaustion and over-achieving are a permanent condition, it is high time to take action. «Recognising that I'm at the limit is the most important step and also the hardest,» says the psychologist. «Admitting that something is overwhelming you and that you don't fulfil the perfect image you have of yourself as a parent is not easy for many people.»

The psychologist has found that many people only seek help when they are already clearly suffering from psychological problems such as sleep disorders, anxiety or depression. However, it makes more sense to seek help at the first warning signs.

«It's much easier to take a preventative approach and see what help and support is needed to prevent people from becoming ill than to treat the illness, especially as mental illnesses such as depression can have a massive impact on a family's everyday life,» explains Hefti.

Existing support services such as family and parent counselling, the parent helpline or the Swiss Mental Health Network are not sufficiently well known. Surprisingly, parents very often seek advice and support from teachers. «But that's not their job,» says the psychologist. «It would make sense if, for example, family doctors or paediatricians were trained accordingly and could pass on information about support services to parents at a low threshold.»

Talking about exhaustion in everyday family life

Such information is a valuable commodity at the Mütterzentrum Bern-West. It's a sunny Tuesday in February when Tiina Kouva from the management team announces to the group that today they want to talk about exhaustion in everyday family life. Everyone laughs. Oh yes, we've all been there. And everyone starts to tell their story. None of them are about a mother who perfectly balances family, household and career.

Munia, for example, has two teenage children and a household to look after, she works as a cleaner and also works once a week at the Mothers' Centre. She is the sole breadwinner in the family, her husband is seriously ill and can no longer work. The children avoid housework wherever possible, and Munia doesn't have the energy for long debates and arguments. «I should actually go to bed at ten every night to get enough sleep, but I rarely manage that. And when I do, I lie awake for a long time because I'm thinking about all the things I still have to do,» says the engineering graduate. Despite all her worries, she has managed to create a little island for herself with her own garden. Here she grows aubergines, pumpkins and beans, with flowers growing at the edge of the beds. Gardening, says Munia, is a wonderful way for her to switch off, «I just enjoy it».

Will the division of family labour remain the same?

Career opportunities for women have changed significantly in Switzerland in recent years. Compared to the past, more mothers are working in addition to taking care of the family. «Nevertheless, childcare and housework remain mainly the responsibility of women,» says Sonja Pihan, Head of the Mothers' Centre Bern-West. «In families with a migration background, this is often even more pronounced than in Swiss families.»

In addition, modern nuclear families often lose their social network because young people no longer stay in the village where they grew up. And grandparents today are simply physically fitter and therefore more adventurous, they pursue their own agenda and are reluctant to be tied down to regular babysitting duties for their grandchildren.

«We treat each other with respect, we talk openly about problems, try to help and give advice»

Tiina Kuova, from the management team of the Mothers' Centre Bern-West.

The Mothers' Centre sees itself as a public living room with a garden. Many women enjoy simply being able to sit down here and have a coffee while someone else looks after their children. «The interaction is respectful, we talk openly about problems, try to help and give advice,» says Tiina Kouva, pointing to a large hanging shelf:

Brochures and flyers on support services for parents, mothers and women throughout Berne are collected here.

«A mother's biggest critic is always another mother,» says Suela Kasmi, another member of the management team. «We therefore take great care to compliment and encourage each other here - after all, we are all more or less in the same situation.» And every mother, according to experience at the Mothers' Centre, feels good when they are seen and their work is appreciated. Sometimes, says Kasmi, you don't have to do more than simply be there and listen.

Fathers also suffer from the double burden

But even if the main burden for the household and children still lies with the mothers, there are certainly fathers who do their bit and suffer from the double burden of family and career just as much as their wives. Stefan*, 40, from Lucerne, for example. He works 80 per cent, his wife 60 per cent. On the days when she has to go into the office early, he takes care of dropping the younger of their two sons off at nursery. He picks him up again in the afternoon and then drives to the daycare centre to take his older son with him.

«I can't attend any business appointments during off-peak hours on these days, and if the children are ill, I stay at home just as much as my wife, we share the workload,» says Stefan. His employer understands this, but it is not a matter of course.

Explain to your child why you reacted irritably

What are the ways out of excessive demands? One good piece of advice is to build a village! With neighbours, friends, acquaintances, official support services. It doesn't always have to cost money. Psychotherapist Marlene Held suggests that two friendly families could get together to clean, for example. They meet up in one flat, one adult plays quietly with the children, the other scrubs the kitchen and bathroom. Later, the other way round.

«Everyone benefits from this. The children are well looked after and the kitchen is really clean afterwards,» says Marlene Held. "It also prevents secondary stress. This occurs when I'm looking after the children and cleaning at the same time and then feel like I haven't done a good job because I haven't really done either of them. "As normal as it is to be exhausted, it should also be normal to talk to your children about it. Sometimes excessive demands and tiredness can lead to a harsh tone towards the child, high expectations or criticism. This doesn't harm the children if it only happens occasionally and otherwise a lot of appreciation and affection can be given.

It is important that a carer is always present for the little ones, especially if the stress lasts for a longer period of time. And: that you talk about it. «How detailed this can be depends on the child's stage of development,» says Marlene Held, "but they usually understand it very well.

I would explain it like this, for example: Mummy was very tired and reacted angrily. I'm sorry about that. Sometimes it's difficult for me too when I'm tired. Then I have to see how I can get fitter again myself. How was that for you? It's not pleasant when someone is angry, is it? But sometimes it can happen. Next time I'll try to react more calmly. I could do it like this... And then think about a suggestion together with the child, maybe something with humour."

When is professional help needed?

Looking at books together and discussing your feelings can also be a good help. If the exhaustion is long-lasting and extremely pronounced, feelings of despair and joylessness set in, it is advisable to seek professional psychotherapeutic support to prevent burnout.

The ever-increasing expectations that society has of parents and parents have of themselves are often transferred to their offspring. Instead of three or four, many couples today only have two children - and they are expected to be a success at all costs.

Three-year-olds are sent to Chinese courses, their first piano lesson is at the age of five, and if the ten-year-old can't quite keep up in maths, tutoring is scheduled three times a week. This is not only stressful for the children, but also for the parents - both organisationally and emotionally. And it is a far cry from intrinsically motivated learning.

«Providing cognitive support as early as possible is best for the child - this assumption is widespread and unfortunately wrong,» says adult educator Paula Duwan from Bern. «We know from attachment research and Gordon Neufeld's developmental psychology how important the first six years of life are in terms of bonding and how crucial it is that children don't come under pressure too early. We also know today that children develop best in free play, without pressure and without fear.»

The vicious circle of pressure, problems and more pressure

Although early measures are usually well-intentioned - after all, everyone wants the best chances for their own child - they come at the expense of inner maturation. As a result, completely normal behaviours such as light-heartedness, a natural urge to move or impulsiveness are seen as problematic. «Today, every little irregularity ends up with the paediatrician or even a therapist, which means even more pressure for the parents: Something, the message goes, is wrong with my child,» says Duwan.

This creates a vicious circle: the parents - often unconsciously - pass on the pressure to the children, who react with blocked emotional development and the resulting problems, which in turn leave the parents helpless and put them under pressure. The feeling arises that the situation is no longer under control.

If you have confidence in your child and their ability to develop, you will automatically become more relaxed.

Paula Diwan, adult educator.

Diagnoses made in such situations may seem appropriate for the moment, but they can also stigmatise children completely unnecessarily, warns Paula Duwan. She recommends that parents focus on time instead and concentrate on building a good bond with the child.

If you have confidence in your child and their ability to develop, you automatically become more relaxed and don't feel like you have to constantly pull them in the right direction. «The strong bond also has the advantage that the educational tool of rewarding and punishing, which is unfortunately still very widespread, becomes superfluous - because that also means emotional stress for the parents,» says Duwan. The adult educator often hears the argument that there is no time to spend more time with the children. In many families, the time they spend together is limited to dinner and putting the children to bed. «But that's not enough,» says Duwan, «children also need everyday time with their parents.»

Older boys and girls in particular can easily be involved in tidying up, shopping or cooking - and parents don't have to constantly divide themselves between the demands, but can find out what their child is up to between making spaghetti bolognaise and sorting away the car racing track.

Concentrate on what is going well

Parents clearing out their agenda is often given and extremely important advice to prevent or counter exhaustion. However, it is at least as important to look at the children's agenda. Many don't know an afternoon without appointments and dates. When Duwan tells acquaintances that she likes to sit on the sofa with her twelve-year-old son, both reading and chatting in between, they are amazed. Sitting cosily at home? That's far too boring for most children.

«That is indeed the case, because many children are not used to such rest periods in their daily agenda,» says the adult educator. «However, this is a phenomenon that can be easily developed.» Not sticking stubbornly to schedules and your own ideas can also bring a little more calm back into the family during particularly stressful phases.

An elementary quality for relaxed parents is the ability to adapt to new situations. Life with a toddler and an infant presents different challenges to life with two school-age children or a teenager who only shows up at mealtimes and then plays on their smartphone during dinner.

«It can be a real help to focus on strengthening the things that are going well and overcoming the things that are difficult as best you can,» says Paula Duwan. In other words, take things as they are and make the best of them, but if you want to be this relaxed, you have to let go of many expectations. And accept that one of the many balls you want to keep in the air will sometimes fall. The trick is to let it lie there and shrug your shoulders with a smile: it happens. * Names changed