Not every divorce is a disaster

There's a mood of disaster in my circle of friends. There's a hail of break-ups. We're at the perfect age for it: most of us are out of the woods with our children. They're old enough to know how short life is. And young enough to wonder if that's all there is to it. For years, people have pulled together for the sake of the family, the arguments become more bitter, the distance increases. And now that the pressure is easing and the children are more independent, they are splitting up.

It's painful, and it's always painful. No matter how amicable the whole thing is, even an ideal separation hurts, and most of them are anything but ideal. A family is an organism, hearts that have grown together, integrated existences are torn apart abruptly. Not to mention the children who have to witness this. Some parents manage to come to an amicable agreement, but in the vast majority of cases a flame of hatred, self-pity and accusation destroys the shared past.

In the very best case, the couple manages to separate the level of the love relationship from that of parenthood.

Such situations are also difficult for the circle of friends. Questions of loyalty arise: Who do you continue to maintain the relationship with and how? Who is still invited to dinner and who is not? It is not uncommon for separated and divorced partners to both slip out of the focus of their friends. Because they only fit as a couple, but not as individuals.

I've been through it all. And like many people, it was one of the most harrowing experiences ever for me. I now have a good relationship with the father of my children. But it took a few years to get to that point. And so I can sympathise. When relationships that I thought were rock solid suddenly fall apart and the respective partners each tell their version of events, I listen and try not to judge. You often understand both sides. And it's just sad, at least at the moment.

This moment will pass. Because most divorces are like good wines: they get better with age. You want to separate because the situation was untenable. Because you were wrong about each other, because you grew apart too much or fell in love again. In the very best cases, couples manage to separate the level of the love relationship from that of parenthood.

If this is successful, a separation can open up unexpected new freedoms - at least if you have a job, your own money and friends. Ideally, you don't have to take care of the children alone, but have negotiated with the children's father that everyone contributes a share. However, if this is the case, then as a divorced mother you live in the best of all possible worlds. You devote half of your time to your children and the other half to your job and everything else that is important in life.

Finally not just being sensible. Going out and not coming home until the morning. Or not coming home at all because you've gone home with someone else. You have time to sleep in and process the experience. And when the children come back from daddy's, you stand at the doorway full of anticipation and congratulate yourself on having brought up such wonderful creatures. And still have a life of their own.