«No solutions can be found during a dispute»
A mother and father seek advice from the parents' helpline. They fear that they have lost contact with their 15-year-old son. He disregards agreed game times and reacts aggressively when the parents demand them. This is how the conversation with the parent counsellor in Zurich went.
The most important facts in brief
- As a mother or father, recognise your own feelings.
- No solutions are possible in escalation.
- Delayed reaction is helpful.
- Offer your child gestures of reconciliation. There is a need behind a reproach.
Mum: «Our son behaves like a boss. He threatens and humiliates us. We don't know when the next argument is going to happen and we're on pins and needles. We are powerless and at the mercy of the situation.»
Father: «Every argument ends in power struggles. It puts a strain on our family and our relationship. We feel like we've lost our influence over him. We no longer know him.»
Consultant: «What are the triggers for the escalations?»
Mother: «The reason for the argument is his gaming behaviour. Our son no longer honours any agreements. When we point this out to him, he reacts very angrily. He doesn't care what we say or demand.»
Father: «He shouts and insults us massively.»
Advisor:«What have you agreed with him?»
Mum: «We are already generous. During the week, after he has done his homework, he is allowed to play for an hour. On Saturday and Sunday, two hours each. We used to be stricter, but we've given it up.»
As parents, you should take responsibility for your feelings and not hand them over to your son.
Counsellor: «How do you feel when your son verbally humiliates you?»
Mother: «Hurt and attacked. Somehow robbed of dignity.»
Consultant: «How do you react in such a situation?»
Mother: «We make it clear to our son that he is not allowed to deal with us like this and that his behaviour will have consequences.»
Consultant: «What happens then?»
Father: «He freaks out and becomes even more hurtful or runs away. I often go after him.»
Counsellor: «Why?»
Father:«Because he can't deal with us like that. We'll lose face if we let everything slide.»
Advisor:«And then the situation escalates for good?»
Mum: «Yes, always.»
Counsellor: «No solutions can be found during an argument. The feelings are too strong. It therefore makes sense to interrupt the escalation pattern whenever possible and not to expect any changes in the acute situation. It helps if you create distance, both internally and physically. You can tell your son that no solution can be found now, but that you will come back to it later when his feelings have calmed down. He needs a clear message from you to interrupt. This is called a delayed reaction. This approach does not lead to a loss of face on your part. You can calm down and then resume the conversation with a calmer attitude and calmer feelings and thoughts and demand the change in behaviour again.»
In such situations, it can also be helpful for parents to recognise and allow their own feelings. Anger, despair, fear or helplessness are allowed. It is important not to judge the feelings immediately.
Advisor: «Do you sometimes feel the need to control your son's behaviour?»
Father: «Isn't that also a job for the parents?»
Advisor:«As a rule, it doesn't make sense to try to control the behaviour of children or young people. It is not effective. Failure to achieve control can lead to further feelings of powerlessness. What you can control and decide on, however, is how you deal with your feelings. If you do this, you are more in control of yourself and less at the mercy of the situation, it leads you back to your own effectiveness to a certain extent and can also bring about an initial change in your child's behaviour. As a parent, you should take responsibility for your feelings and not hand them over to your son.»
The parental emergency call
For almost 40 years, the Elternnotruf association has been an important point of contact for parents, relatives and professionals for issues relating to everyday family and parenting life - seven days a week, around the clock. Counselling is available by phone, email or on site. www.elternnotruf.ch
Here, the counsellors report on their day-to-day work.
Mothers and fathers are often confronted with their expectations of parenthood. In addition to the stressful situation with their child, these can put them under further pressure and cause feelings of guilt. It is important for parents to be able to recognise and name the demands they place on themselves.
Mum: «We have tried to teach our son decency and respect. Now we are also behaving disrespectfully towards him. We have failed as parents.»
Counsellor: «It is commendable that you are aware of your expectations, which have an influence on the arguments with your son. This will help you to categorise and reduce the additional pressure this creates. As parents, talk about your parenting expectations, including triggers in everyday parenting that can increase the pressure of your own expectations. If your feelings and words are strong in the confrontation with your son, you can talk to him about it at a later date. Take responsibility for your part in the argument. Tell your son that you support him as a parent in every situation and are always there for him, no matter what is or was going on. Give him confidence and offer him emotional security.»
Mum: «Because of the constant arguments and injuries, we are afraid that our love for our son will disappear. That's so terrible.»
Counsellor: «Try to focus your attention differently. On those situations and encounters with your son that are still good. Share your positive perceptions with him. Offer him good things, perhaps an activity together or his favourite meal. If possible, socialise with him more often in good moments. This will give more weight to connecting feelings, even in difficult arguments. Reproaches are often based on unfulfilled needs on both sides that need to be recognised. Address these with your son and engage in an emotional dialogue with him.»
