My child is dawdling!

When we asked parents and children separately at a parent-child seminar on the subject of learning what annoys them the most, dawdling was at the top of the list for parents. This came as no surprise to the children. They knew that their daydreams and slowness bothered their parents - after all, they heard «Hurry up!», «Get on with it!», «Are you still stuck?» all day long. The parents, however, were surprised by the children's response to the question of what the worst thing ever was for them. The majority said: the constant rushing and pushing of their parents.

It was only through this feedback that the parents realised how much their constant pushing of the children puts them under pressure to learn, steals carefree moments and pulls them out of their play.

So on the one hand, we have parents who have their daily schedule in their heads, have to keep an eye on the clock and make sure their children get to school or sport on time. On the other hand, there are the children who live in the moment, enjoy the moment and want to immerse themselves in something. How can families come together on this point?

Stop pushing the child!

The frequently voiced suggestion that parents should wake their children up earlier so that they don't have to rush in the morning is of little use. In most cases, everything then takes a little longer.

But even the constant urging is of little use. In recent years, I have asked many parents the question: «What happens if you push your child to hurry up? Will it make them slower or faster?» The vast majority of parents answered: My child will become even slower.

Children who are prone to daydreaming and dawdling tend to escape into daydreams when they are put under pressure.

It seems to me that children who are prone to daydreaming and dawdling tend to daydream more when they are put under pressure from outside. They tune out the demanding world, the stressed parents and the busy schedule in order to find a moment of peace. My suggestion would therefore be to stop saying «Hurry up!».

If you like, you can try more structure - this helps dreamy children not to get lost. For example, if a younger child struggles to get dressed quickly in the morning, you can set up a course with their clothes: pants next to the bed, T-shirt on the doorstep, socks in the corridor, trousers in the kitchen. Your child moves from the room to breakfast while getting dressed.

For older children, a playlist with a fixed sequence of songs can help. Switch on the list of your child's favourite songs in the morning. They can listen to the first song in bed, the next three in the shower, the fifth while drying off and the sixth while getting dressed.

Children would rather be gently accompanied out of the door by their favourite songs than by annoyed comments.

Protect your child from pressure by reducing the workload

Sometimes, as the parent of a slow child, you have no choice but to save them from the pace and pressure of the world. Some parents of dreamer children report that their children already spend several hours on homework in primary school.

These children are often so tired of school that they hardly achieve anything during these homework marathons. Instead, they develop a growing aversion to learning.

They lack leisure and recreational spaces. They then increasingly take their much-needed breaks during lessons by taking time out, daydreaming and looking out of the window.

In this case, I recommend that you limit the time spent on homework. Talk to the teacher and tell them how long your child needs to complete the tasks.

Almost all teachers are open to this suggestion: the child does 10 minutes of homework per school year (for example, 40 minutes in fourth grade).

If the child has worked with concentration during this time, they are allowed to cancel their homework. As parents, you write in the homework booklet: «Worked with concentration for 40 minutes.» Children usually work more concentrated and faster when the workload is reduced.

Many children are ambitious to get as much done as possible in this time. Your child will work even better if you plan the homework together, your child is allowed to interrupt the work times with short breaks and you teach them effective learning strategies.

Learning to dawdle again from a child

Finally, I would like to suggest that you learn from your child - and do yourself some good in the process. Does your child enjoy immersing themselves in a game? Does it watch every bug on the way? Does he or she not care if the shopping takes a little longer and you miss the bus?

Whether you react to this with stress or are able to enjoy these moments with your child depends very much on what you decide to do.

If you have goals like «shopping» or «putting the dishes away» in your head, children with their plans, their play and their own minds become an obstacle on the way to your goal. Obstacles frustrate and annoy us.

The more you feel committed to a certain schedule, the greater the frustration - and the more the children will resist.

Allow yourself to be in tune with your child's rhythm more often and enjoy slowing down yourself.

May I suggest an experiment? Next week, set yourself the goal of spending time with your children on two afternoons and getting into their rhythm. The rule is: everything can, nothing must.

Consider it a bonus if you can also do the shopping or tidy up the flat during this time. At the end of these afternoons, ask yourself: How did I feel? What was the atmosphere like between the children and me? What did we do?

You may notice that you make just as much progress, but feel less stress. We adults live by the clock. Allowing yourself to get into the rhythm of life and doing things when it feels right can have a liberating effect.

Quick tips for dealing with slow, dawdling and dreamy children:

• Refrain from forcing your child to hurry. This usually makes children even slower.
• Give your child more structure by planning with them or practising fixed routines.
• Protect your child from excessive demands. Limit the homework time in cooperation with the teacher. It is more important that your child learns to concentrate on short periods of work than to finish everything.
• With dawdling children in particular, make sure that you interrupt homework with short breaks (5 minutes). Deliberate breaks reduce the need to steal breaks by looking out of the window and daydreaming.
• Allow yourself to follow your child's rhythm more often and enjoy slowing down yourself and being more aware of life.