Mother bullying: Why are mothers in particular so often criticised?

Mrs Pommer, you wrote the book «Stop Momshaming». What exactly do you mean by that?

It means mum bullying. Whenever mothers experience social or economic disadvantages due to their motherhood, receive harsh and unjustified criticism or unsolicited and abusive advice, it's momshaming.

Please explain.

Mothers in the 21st century are torn between their own and society's demands for perfection and absurd goals of what a mother should be like: The expectant mother should not be able to tell that she is pregnant; moreover, it is assumed that she is always in a good mood and in top shape. Of course, she has a committed husband who likes her emancipation and supports «soft» feminism. When the baby arrives, he takes his time, nappies the baby wherever he can and stands at the playground with a baby sling.

If a woman leaves the clichés of what a model mother should be like, the mum-shaming begins

She works, but not too much, otherwise she would be a raven mum. But she is not «only» at home with the children, because that would be a kind of «parasitic existence». If she abandons these clichés of what a model mum should be like, the mum-shaming begins. She is accused of doing «her thing», of being a mum who might disrupt the order in her family.

Did you do that?

So to speak. I have left many of these so-called mainstream pigeonholes. Starting with the fact that I became pregnant at the age of 18. I then completed my A-levels with my daughter in a baby sling. What did I have to listen to from my maths teacher? «A mum doesn't do A-levels with me.» He only let me pass at the third attempt, and not because I was a bad student, but because it went against his principles.

I provided a broad mainstream momshaming space in the first place because I had four other great kids from three dads. I am also a successful entrepreneur, have a practice and have been able to balance family and career from the very beginning. I was often asked by women in particular: «How do you actually do that, five children and two businesses? Do you put the children off or does your husband manage everything?»

You say that mum bullying mainly comes from women. What do you think is the reason why mothers are so harsh with each other?

I have asked myself this question in many situations. For example, when I grabbed a bottle in the playground because I was uncomfortable breastfeeding in public. I've experienced everything from teasing and taunting to public abuse. «There was nothing like that in my day!» my mum commented on my stories. Her explanation makes sense to me: «We just agreed with each other. When it came to feeding, for example, there was one rule: breastfeeding every four hours. There was no reason to grumble. After all, that's what everyone did.» Today, with numerous new findings on the subject of infant nutrition, for example, parents have to take a completely different stance and make many more decisions. And then justify them. As a result, there is more criticism and judgement.

What other reasons do you see?

What's more, social media is causing more and more different opinions and parenting views to circulate. This is unsettling and some women are putting their own intuition and maternal expertise to one side. The Instagram generation sets the bar for comparison very high. This puts a lot of pressure on mums.

The problem is that many people use the standards of others as their own and therefore increasingly doubt their own competence.

Where does this high performance requirement come from?

Basically, comparing and evaluating is nothing reprehensible in itself, but rather deeply human and also important for one's own convictions. However, the problem lies in the fact that many people use others' standards as their own and therefore increasingly doubt their own competence. For example, when a woman says: «My best friend gave birth in hospital. I should do the same», even though she would actually prefer a home birth. Or when mothers want to breastfeed but can't for health reasons and still feel bad. Or this massive uncertainty when it comes to vaccinations, with some advising them and others warning against them. This leads to mums stressing themselves unnecessarily, doubting their decisions or constantly justifying themselves. In the worst case, this can lead to depression.

Is it the case that mothers today compare themselves more than in the past?

Yes, digitalisation has contributed significantly to this with almost unlimited choice. In the past, there was a small circle of friends who were asked for advice. Today, there is «Dr Google», mum apps, mum blogs and Instagram profiles. On social media, the inhibition threshold for negative reviews is low and hate comments are quick to follow when it comes to emotionally charged topics such as breastfeeding, nurseries or vaccinations.

How can women deal with «mumshaming» more confidently?

In any case, it is important to address mum bullying directly and express your own feelings, impressions and wishes. If you swallow down negative emotions permanently, you can become mentally ill. So be aware: «Momshaming» is often carried out by people who want to whitewash their own behaviour and, in turn, shame mothers who treat their children differently.

Even if you are very angry at the moment, look ahead, in a week's time you might not even think about the offending remark. A healthy dose of humour helps. And to realise that there are countless opinions.

Our own critical voice is usually just as stressful as the one coming at us from outside.

A thought experiment: If we imagine that we are standing opposite another mother with a contrary opinion and draw the number six on the floor in front of us. What does she see? A nine. Now we have the opportunity to debate forever about who is right or to change our perspective and realise that everyone has a different view of things and that no one is actually wrong. Recognising this is enormously relieving. It's about finding your own way, which includes orienting yourself to current educational methods and knowledge.

It's not just others who criticise you, it's also your own inner critic that comes forward. How can you counter it?

Our own critical voice is usually just as stressful as the one coming at us from outside. It helps to take a step back, find some distance, take a deep breath in and out. And ask yourself: What needs to happen for me to feel good and happy as a mum? The more complicated the answer is, the more likely it is that bad feelings will resonate.

For example: «I feel good as a mum when my children tell me every day that they love me, they are never unhappy, they get great grades and bring home at least five good friends. When they play an instrument and have interesting hobbies. When my household is tidy, everyone likes the food I cook and I earn enough money so that I'm not on anyone's back.»

You can feel the stress just by reading it, can't you? It is hardly possible to fulfil all these demands, especially because they are also dependent on external circumstances. My grandmother, a wonderful wife and mother, said: «I am happy when I wake up in the morning above and not below the ground, and can take care of the people I love.» She had a very simple rule for her motherhood happiness and did what she could do every day, and that was all she could do.

This article was first published in November 2020 in the parents' magazine «kizz».