Me, you, us - this is how my child becomes socially competent

The summer holidays are over and your child's last year of kindergarten is about to begin. Suddenly they are one of the grown-ups, becoming increasingly independent and taking on more responsibility for themselves and others. Relationships with peers intensify and friendships become more important during this time - even if they are still volatile and often characterised by conflict.

So that your child can find their way around the group and make friends, they will continue to develop their social skills over the next few months. But what do we mean by this? What does the kindergarten do to promote them? And how can you support your child?

Children should gradually learn to empathise with others.

Social skills include a range of abilities that help us to form relationships and live together in a community. The Curriculum 21 sets out which of these should be particularly promoted in kindergarten and later at school throughout Switzerland.

Accordingly, children should gradually learn to abide by rules, to empathise and understand others, to show consideration, to formulate and assert their own needs, but also to wait sometimes, to deal with frustration when it arises, to regulate feelings and to resolve conflicts. The children should discover how they can take responsibility for their own actions and assess their abilities and skills.

What a big, challenging task! Fortunately, your child has already laid important foundations in the first year of kindergarten and is not left to develop on their own: You as parents as well as the kindergarten teachers and the group are there to support him.

Older people as role models

Carmen Furrer, lecturer in kindergarten didactics and developmental psychology at the Valais University of Teacher Education, explains: «In the second year of kindergarten, the children naturally work on their social skills: they are now the grown-ups, the experts, thanks to whom the new kindergarten children can find their way around much faster and better. The older children take on the role of role models, assume responsibility and help the younger ones. In this way, they develop their social skills in passing.»

Children pick up important skills in everyday life, even if they are not explicitly taught.

The children need particularly careful guidance, as Andrea Elsener, kindergarten teacher in Baar, emphasises, because the role reversal can also unsettle children: «Many boys suddenly show their wild, almost "boastful» or «macho» side at the beginning of the second year. It seems to me as if they are defending their position like in a pack.

The roles in the class are therefore redistributed just like in a family when a new member joins the family. As the new children need a lot of support and attention, the older ones have to learn to put their needs aside and empathise with those of the new children."

Play as a motor for development

Being together with children of different characters, the rules and agreements in the group, recurring kindergarten rituals and, in particular, free play offer your child the opportunity to further develop their social skills.

Carmen Furrer refers to the latest research findings, according to which kindergarten children learn mainly incidentally: they pick up important skills in everyday life, even if they are not actually taught explicitly. «And as children in kindergarten are still very playful, creative and imaginative, incidental learning happens through play,» explains the teacher.

Children learn to negotiate their positions and rules and make compromises in self-developed role-playing games. Whether family, building site, circus, pride of lions or shop: Again and again, the little ones slip into new roles, discover different points of view, empathise with their counterparts, have to observe agreements and show consideration for one another.

Shared board games with clearly defined rules also train social learning: sometimes a child chooses the playing piece in the colour you would have liked to have, whereupon you are faced with the choice of giving in or defending your own wish. Then again, you have to wait for your turn. And if you lose, there are suddenly all the strong feelings that want to be expressed. Little by little, children develop their patience, ability to co-operate, frustration tolerance and emotional regulation.

In the sitting circle, your child will follow increasingly long conversations, develop the courage to express themselves in the group, practise active listening and the ability to express themselves. Here and there, they will disagree with what their peers say or explain - and face the challenge of accepting other people's points of view.

Putting needs into words

The nursery school teachers get involved in this process in a variety of ways, as Carmen Furrer explains: «It is often their job to observe the children at play and then make specific play offers or play along or accompany a game from outside. In this way, they can take on the role of a mum or dad and casually demonstrate how to comfort someone.»

In addition, the kindergarten teachers help the children to express their feelings and needs in words. They mediate in conflicts according to the principle of «as much support as necessary, as little as possible» and plan games in the circle or reading lessons at appropriate times to address important topics.

Unwritten social laws

Andrea Elsener likes to use a strategy she calls «opinion research» to encourage the children to put themselves in each other's shoes and talk about their feelings. She discusses questions with the group such as: «How do you think the new children will feel on their first day with us? How did you feel back then? What would you be happy about if you were with us for the first time?»

She also likes to pick up on situations that can typically lead to conflict: «What would you do if a new child was always following you around because they think you're nice or because they still feel insecure?», to which the children reply, for example: «Then I'll leave it alone. Even if it is a bit annoying. I now know why it's following me around.»

As parents, we can do a lot to help our children make friends.

«How do we treat each other well? How can I be nice to other people? How can I help others to like me and enjoy being with me?» Children gradually discover the answers to these questions by interacting with others.

We can encourage them in kindergarten, but also at home, to behave pro-socially by sharing our positive observations with them. In doing so, we look out for moments when our children are attentive, friendly, helpful, patient, respectful or willing to compromise - and describe the effect this has on their fellow human beings:

Picture books can also teach children what they can do to become a good friend. Daniela Kunkel's «Das kleine Wir» or the picture book «Freunde wie wir ... das gibt's nur einmal auf der Welt» by the two authors, for example, lovingly introduce this topic.

When children get into conflicts, we quickly tend to allow ourselves to be used as referees: Who started it? Who is to blame? Who has to apologise? If we want to promote children's ability to increasingly resolve disputes themselves in future, we can see ourselves more as a «conflict coach» - very similar to a sports coach who navigates his players through challenging situations.

Maybe we sit down between the two arguers, take a deep breath together and discuss the incident in a calm tone: «What's going on here? How are you feeling right now? ... And how are you? ... I see, you're angry because you wanted to ... - and you're angry because you wanted to .... What can you do to solve the problem / so that you feel better and can play together again?»

Implementation is difficult

However, we cannot expect so much from kindergarten children and should practise understanding and patience. Carmen Furrer explains: "The challenge in developing social skills at kindergarten age is that although children know very well at some point what is expected of them and how to behave appropriately, they are not always able to call on this knowledge in an emotional situation, for example when losing a game.

For example: children know that you don't hit others. They can also describe and explain this in conversation. However, if a child loses a game and is perhaps a little tired, they may still start a fight and hit another child. Knowing and doing are two different components in terms of social skills."

Conflicts between kindergarten children are part of everyday life, and friendships at this age are still volatile and unstable. It's easy to say something like: «Then you're no longer my friend» when the playmate you just loved so much suddenly stops behaving the way you want them to. In psychology, this pattern is known as «fair-weather co-operation».

As parents, we can remain calm in the knowledge that such disagreements will soon pass and the children will form more long-term and crisis-proof relationships over the years.

A friend at his side

As parents, we can do a lot to help our children make friends. We can open the door to our home to the little ones in a friendly and loving way, perhaps take turns with another family from the kindergarten to look after them once a week, invite other children or their families on outings and make friends with other families from the neighbourhood. We can make sure that children from the neighbourhood walk to school together and form car pools and pick-up groups.

If there are no appointments on Wednesday afternoons, we give the children the opportunity to socialise and play together without any time pressure. We can signal to friends of our children and their parents that we like them and are happy that our child has such a good friend at their side.