Jealousy: Our topic in March

If you ask parents of siblings what makes bringing up their children particularly challenging, many will answer: The constant rivalry between the children, this constant vying for attention, often brings you to the brink of despair. And the question of how to behave properly as a parent. Do you let child 1 get away with it when child 2 repeatedly calls them stupid? What do you do when child 1 and child 2 argue for minutes about who gets which pillow when you read to them? Do you leave the room, do you intervene? Or do you wait until blood flows?

As the father of two early pubescent children (12 and 10), I watch with fascination - and sometimes bewilderment - how siblings manage to get into each other's hair on a daily basis. Writing everything down would fill pages. Because the topic of jealousy is currently on my mind personally, I have - and I am happy to admit it - been longing for the dossier from my colleague Julia Meyer-Hermann . I was hoping for answers to questions such as «How much competition should parents allow?», «Can parents unconsciously encourage jealousy between children?» or «Does rivalry between children eventually grow out of control?».

And you know what? I was not disappointed.

How parents treat their children in everyday life, whether they allow competition, favour one child or ensure fair and equitable treatment for all, whether they assign fixed roles to everyone within the family or encourage flexibility - all of this influences the relationship between siblings.

I now know that children who are less than three years apart argue more often. That the term jealousy comes from Old High German and originally meant something like «morbid bitterness». And I now know the difference between jealousy and envy: a jealous person is afraid of losing something, whereas an envious person wants what others have.

Girls rival more subtly than boys. They start whispering and scheming. Boys engage in open power struggles.

Katalin Nef, social pedagogue and supervisor

My questions and many more areanswered in this dossier by renownedexperts. The most comforting statement for me comes from social pedagogue and supervisor Katalin Nef: «It's normal for children to compete with each other. Competition helps them to get ahead. Healthy competition is a skill that we need to survive.» So the next time child 1 fights with child 2 over who gets to sit in the front of the car, I look at things differently: this isn't just a fight - it's about evolution!

I wish you, dear mums, dear dads, dear people interested in parenting, many aha moments with this booklet. How nice that we can accompany you in your challenging task.

Sincerely,

Yours, Nik Niethammer