About self-confidence and self-esteem

We regularly read about how children gain greater self-confidence. But are we talking about self-confidence or self-esteem? Although the terms are often used as synonyms, they do not mean the same thing.

Self-esteem is the ability to feel «oneself», one's «centre» or «inner being». Self-esteem is about who we are - self-confidence is about what we can or do. Metaphorically speaking, the sense of self can be described as an inner pillar that can be more or less tall. Or as a kind of command centre that reacts to any disruption to our inner balance and tries to restore it. Self-confidence, on the other hand, is more like a scaffolding that surrounds a person. People with a strong sense of self almost always have a high level of self-confidence, but the reverse is not the case.

Unfortunately, most of us have been brought up to focus primarily on what we can do and achieve.

There are many symptoms of low self-esteem. The most common are insecurity, anxiety, extreme shyness, showing off, aggressiveness and destructive behaviour, learning difficulties, self-centredness and perfectionism. If a child has low self-esteem, there is not much point in boosting their self-confidence, as this only benefits the latter. If you need a root canal, there's nothing to be gained from increasing the number of toothbrushes you use.

Unfortunately, most of us have been brought up at home and at school to focus primarily on what we can do and achieve - but this focus on self-confidence is often a poor substitute for our sense of self. And low self-esteem is often misunderstood as a lack of self-confidence.

Anyone who is unmusical logically has little self-confidence in this area. And anyone who struggles with maths will approach mathematical questions with little self-confidence. However, if you have a stable sense of self, you can live well with this kind of self-realisation and accept it calmly. Our sense of self is also noticeable when we feel that we have a firm value system, a yardstick that helps us to set healthy and clear boundaries and decide what is right and wrong for us.

Let's look at an example of how parents can strengthen their child's sense of self. Finn is two and a half and at the playground with his mum. He is sitting at the top of the slide and shouts: «Mummy, look!» You can take this request literally. Like all children (and adults), he feels the need to express his immediate experience and receive an echo from his surroundings. An echo that is a confirmation of his unique existence in this very moment. «Looks great!», his mum might exclaim, or «How high it is!» if he seems a little scared. In doing so, she recognises his reality and has put his feelings into words. This boosts his self-esteem.

Children want sympathy, not judgement

However, most parents tend to give their children more than they ask for: «Yes, you're doing great!» The mum wants to boost Finn's self-confidence by praising him. This is a kind of culture shock for Finn. Because he is completely in the here and now, in the joy of the moment, and could never have imagined being judged by anyone. Since he, like all children, wants to cooperate with his parents, his attention will move away from himself and towards his parents and their judgement. From now on, he will try to make a good impression instead of just being himself and enjoying the moment.

Finn's mum could also shout «Be careful!», but as well-intentioned as this warning may be, it is irrelevant and out of place. If Finn lands awkwardly in the sand, this experience will teach him everything he needs to know. His mother's hasty warning, on the other hand, impairs his immediate experience and prepares him for something that he will have to experience for himself anyway. When parents frequently express fear and anxiety to their child, they do considerable damage to their child's sense of self (and self-confidence!) because they divert the child's attention away from themselves - which reduces their sense of self.

Let's look at another example. Later, Finn shows his father a drawing he has made. Many fathers react with the following sentences: «That really is a very nice picture. But I liked the house you drew the other day even better.» They are thus expressing praise or gentle criticism - basically the reaction of a drawing teacher to a pupil's work. However, young children do not draw pictures for their parents in order to receive professional criticism, but because they enjoy drawing and want their parents to share in their joy.

The best way to strengthen your children's sense of self is to love them unconditionally.

A situation like this requires a response that is a little different from the one on the playground. «I really like the picture. It almost looks a bit scary, don't you think? How sweet of you! I almost can't see what it's supposed to represent. Did you have something specific in mind?» This is how we show our inner involvement and appreciation. Above all, it is important that our reaction is personal and sincere and recognises the gift itself rather than judging it. Unfortunately, many children are dependent on the praise of those around them from an early age - which leads parents to make the excuse that the children themselves are asking for praise.

The best way to strengthen your children's sense of self is to love them unconditionally. Not because they are pretty, well-behaved or hard-working, but because they exist. Full stop. Those who, for various reasons, have grown up without a strong sense of self have a long and arduous road ahead of them to rebuild it. It is well known that «finding yourself» is not easy - it is even more difficult to give yourself the unconditional love that was denied to you as a child for one reason or another.

Abridged version of the text with the original title «Selvtillid og selvfølelse». Translated by Knut Krüger.