It's not what we say that counts, but what we do

When my eldest son walks past his letterbox, he unlocks it. Every time. «That's the Feibel move,» he explained to me half-jokingly one day when I happened to be present during this ritual act. At first I had to laugh. But then I suddenly realised where my son got this strange quirk from: from me! I also don't walk past my letterbox without taking a quick look inside. Every time.

At this point, I could truthfully add that there are good reasons for this. In my city, for example, a wide variety of mail carriers drop off mail several times a day at different times. However, the truth is quite different: This tic is a habit that dates back to my father. As soon as he crossed the entrance area of his apartment block, he would unlock the letterbox. Every time. Children imitate their parents, as this intergenerational example shows.

Role models as a demarcation from parents

This also applies to media education. As soon as there is talk of smartphone use, for example, there is an almost knee-jerk call for them to act as role models. We know from daily observation that children and young people spend far more time on them than is likely to be beneficial to their health. They play, chat and post until their fingers glow. However, it is also true that we adults can hardly get away from our devices. Our motives are not always important, even if we know how to make ourselves look good. Being a good role model today is not only difficult, but also a question of definition.

Children are excellent observers of their parents' behaviour. That's why we can't fool them.

On the one hand, we know that children and young people consciously choose their role models, for example in their peer group among friends and schoolmates. However, they are also inspired by actors, influencers and superheroes. Behind this is a longing for a certain quality that these idols embody. For example, courage, quick-wittedness, immense wealth or simply more self-confidence. And it doesn't bother our children at all if we don't share their fervent enthusiasm for their idols.

On the contrary: if we listened to their favourite rapper with the same fervour, it wouldn't go down well with them at all. Because they need a lot of freedom on the complicated path to their own identity. This necessary demarcation is also the reason why we ourselves reacted particularly allergically as children when adults tried to impose certain idealised images on us.

You can't always choose your role models

However, there is another side to the issue of role models: Children and young people do not always consciously choose their role models. Subliminal role models can also shape their thoughts and actions throughout their lives and influence them in their later relationships with their partner or their own child.

This primarily refers to us parents, who often pass on behaviours and messages to the next generation both unnoticed and unintentionally. Nevertheless, we want to be a positive role model and have the best intentions. After all, we all want our sons and daughters to have a loving and sheltered childhood. And we very much hope that our parenting style will help them to develop their abilities so that they are later able to lead a fulfilled and happy life.

It is not advisable to try to hide certain things - such as smoking - from children. They know it already.

When parents are allowed to do what their child is not

But we overlook one important aspect: we have no control over the role model we set. We are always a role model for our children. Not just in moments when we are in a good mood and generous or show respect, compassion and helpfulness towards other people. Unfortunately, we are also role models when we are having a bad day, perhaps when we are annoyed about a parking fine or roll our eyes at our aunt's constant chatter.

Children are excellent observers of their parents' behaviour. They are closer to us than any other person. What's more, in the privacy of our home, we show ourselves as we are: undisguised. That's why we can't fool our children. They have an unerring instinct for when we preach water and drink wine, and then quite rightly call us to account.

For example, they get annoyed when we want to restrict media use - for their protection, of course - and at the same time they see us constantly holding our smartphones close to them. In my workshops, I ask pupils how their parents react when they are criticised for their behaviour. «That's important», they say, or «That's for work». If children then take a closer look, they catch their parents playing, chatting and shopping. They not only feel dismissed, but also betrayed.

What counts is clarity, authenticity and honesty

To avoid misunderstandings: Not adhering to the rules we have set ourselves is not a state offence, but completely normal. It only becomes difficult when we don't stand by them. The role model function also applies here, even if it is not entirely voluntary.

That's why it's not advisable to try to hide certain things from children. I know parents who don't tell their children that they smoke or like to eat unhealthy things. Don't worry, the children have known for a long time. In family counselling, I keep hearing about couples who have grown apart and are on the verge of separation. And both are firmly convinced that their children are completely unaware of the dramatic family developments.

We cannot constantly endeavour to set a good example. Instead, we should always critically review our behaviour.

That is, of course, complete nonsense. Children have very fine antennae and an unmistakable sense of when something is wrong at home. In fact, secrecy is only intended to protect children. In reality, parents are only teaching them that it is perfectly okay to keep secrets or avoid difficult situations by telling untruths. So how is it possible to be a good role model?

No one can permanently and consciously fulfil their role model function without constantly bending themselves. This constant, perfectionist demand would only put us under unnecessary pressure in the long term. Instead, it is more advisable to pause time and again and critically examine your own attitude and behaviour. Because in life, especially in parenting, what ultimately counts is clarity, authenticity and honesty. It's not what we say that counts, but what we do. Only with an attitude can we pass on the values that we consider to be right and important. Attitude instead of example.