«It's all getting too much for me!»
It's six o'clock in the morning. I'm on my way to a teacher training course that I need to put the finishing touches to. Unfortunately, I also have to finish writing this article and submit it before the seminar starts. Fortunately, such last-minute actions have become much rarer. But I have to admit: As a father of two, juggling everything is sometimes quite difficult.
Parents today are under immense pressure. The Federal Statistical Office shows a clear increase in total working hours: mothers of young children work a total of 68 hours per week, fathers 70. For fathers, work in the household and childcare has increased, for women it is gainful employment. Equality - an important goal - currently means that men and women have more to do, because both want to be everything and do everything well.
At the same time, the demands and hectic pace in the world of work are increasing: fewer and fewer people are expected to do more and more in less and less time. How can we get out of this? How can we deal with the daily stress? With a time management course? Yoga? Relaxation exercises? It all makes sense, but unfortunately it takes time.
Do less!
When we complain about stress, we usually think about how we can get on top of all our tasks. We try to work faster, organise ourselves even better, adopt more effective working methods or do without rest and sleep.
The only thing that really helps is to do less. That sounds banal. But it's the only thing that will help us out of the overload in the long term. And it is also a challenge that we can only overcome if we commit to it and take decisive action.
Quitting something, reducing something or saying no to something is difficult for most people. We fear the loss if we give up a new, interesting opportunity. We see a door closing and rush to say yes. Even if we almost suffocate in work and obligations afterwards. Because when we say no, we are not only saying no to other people, but also to our own ambitions, demands, goals and desires.
«Whenever you want to agree to take on something, ask for some time to think about it first!»
But if we learn to do this, we can catch our breath and reclaim our lives. We do less, but with more joy, peace and quality. And we can enjoy time with people who are important to us again without constantly thinking about our to-do list.
No matter whether you are asked to join the parents' council, take on a political office, accept a promotion or give your child an extra hobby: Allow yourself to play for time. From now on, whenever you want to say yes, you could say: «I'll think about it and let you know tomorrow» or «That sounds interesting - but I need to discuss it with my partner first». Take these moments to weigh up the benefits and the costs.
Think about the cost of your commitment!
Initially, we often only see the benefits of a commitment. We don't take the costs into account enough. We usually hugely underestimate the effort required. And we don't realise what we are implicitly saying no to when we say yes.
Our day has 24 hours. When we say yes to a new task, we automatically say no to something else: time with our children, our partner, relaxation, sleep or a hobby.
We often give up the most valuable things in order to fulfil supposed obligations or to please someone who is loud enough. Realising these costs at the right moment can give us the courage we need to stand up to demanding bosses and colleagues, turn down customer requests or make a painful decision.
Brian Tracy once pointed out that there are only four ways to change your life. You can:
- mit etwas Neuem beginnen
- etwas öfter tun
- etwas seltener tun
- etwas nicht mehr tun
«Write down all the goals you are currently pursuing. And take out the red pencil.»
If most of the changes in your life consist of adding something new or making plans to do certain things more often, more and more pressure and stress build up. The feeling grows that your life is characterised by the word «have to». There is quickly less room for relaxation, enjoyment and socialising.
Whenever it becomes too much for us, we can concentrate on pursuing goals for the next six months that consist of doing certain things less often or no longer doing them (ourselves).
One goal could be to reduce our workload or to stop working overtime next year. Perhaps it makes sense to give up an office, reconsider your membership of a club or introduce the rule that you don't do anything or invite anyone round on two weekends a month.
It may also be enough to list all the goals and projects you are currently pursuing - and cut back. What if you didn't try to lose weight or do more sport for six months? What effect would it have if you consciously lowered your household demands for a while?
Please don't wait until burnout!
We usually fear all kinds of resistance when we pursue such a goal. We think that it is not possible or believe that it will entail serious losses or conflicts. If we are serious enough, put such goals in writing and invest a little thought, they can be achieved just as easily as other goals. It's a shame if it takes a burnout to find out.
Quick tips:
- Say «maybe» instead of «yes».
- Weigh up the costs carefully and realise what you will be missing out on if you say yes to a task or an office.
- Take some time now and then to organise your life. What would you like to do less often or no longer do in future? And how can you achieve this?
To the author:
Fabian Grolimund is a psychologist and author («Learning with children»). He answers questions about everyday family life for our magazine. The 37-year-old is married and father to a son and a daughter. He lives with his family in Freiburg.
www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch,
www.biber-blog.com
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