It takes two to make a destructive relationship!
Dear Jesper Juul, I need advice.
My husband and I have been married for eight years and have a wonderful seven-year-old daughter. When I first met him, he drank a lot. Over time, this became a regular habit. Alcohol was a companion to every argument.
My husband works mainly in the afternoons and evenings. His presence at home is usually limited to Sundays. Only when his need for sleep has been met does he have some time for his daughter, which he prefers to spend at home. I often have to intervene so that we can do an activity together. Then he watches a children's programme with her or we eat together.
The division of roles in the family is classic: the man brings home the money, the woman stands behind the cooker and raises the children. I don't agree with that. I was brought up differently, but I complied for the sake of the child. Years later, I realised that my husband was depressed. He admitted it after talking about suicidal thoughts.
I'm working, have a doctorate and am totally exhausted. We also have financial problems. And I manage everything to do with our daughter on my own. I don't get any support - and I haven't had any since the beginning. Communication between me and my husband is currently reduced to a phone call.
Our daughter senses the frustration and nervousness on my part and is unhappy that she has little of her dad. She misses his attention and suffers from it. She has been very tearful for a year now, often feels excluded from children, often says she is having a bad day and is sad.
She has not developed a strategy to look for a replacement or a way out when she is excluded. Otherwise she likes to set the tone, it's in her temperament. However, she can't be diplomatic.
A separation? Then there is no longer any contact between father and daughter
Actually, we both feel excluded, not recognised. Our needs are not recognised at all. I'm caught in a vicious circle. I have sought help, go to my daughter's child therapist and can recognise, justify and understand some of my frustration in conversations.
Become a female role model for your daughter who refuses to be a victim. She needs to learn this very soon.
Jesper Juul
I am also addressing my daughter's behaviour, as she has been rude to me for years. And I plan to discuss his depression and treatment options with my husband at our GP.
I've thought about separating. But I'm afraid that there would then no longer be any dialogue between daughter and father. On the other hand, a happy mother probably offers more support than an overburdened and unhappy one who sees no way out. How do you see it, Mr Juul?
Answer from Jesper Juul:
Thank you very much for your trust and the honest, direct way in which you describe your family situation; this is helpful for me and also for many other families who are struggling with similar problems. However, there is one important piece of information that I cannot glean from your letter: Do you love your husband?
That's why I'm asking: if you don't do it, it's hard for me to imagine where you'll get the energy and stamina to get through the next three to five years, regardless of what decision you make.
I am convinced that your daughter's pain has already shown you that you have not done her any favours by enduring the emptiness of your marriage for so many years. You have both fallen victim to the dynamic defined by the most incompetent member of the family, your husband.
It always takes two people to create a destructive relationship, and in your case you have given your husband the power he now has. It's like handing him the car keys and asking him to drive drunk with all of you.
In front of a moral judge, the alcoholic always loses, but in real life you are both equally responsible and only your daughter is the victim.
It's like handing him the car keys and asking him to drive drunk with you all.
Jesper Juul
I emphasise this in the hope that you will start using your precious energy to fight for yourself and not against him. The longer you carry on as before, the guiltier he will feel, and guilt makes him thirsty.
If you manage to take responsibility for yourself and your daughter, it could inspire him to take responsibility for his life.
If it is true that he has suffered from severe depression for many years, he has chosen the most destructive way to deal with it, namely to become an introverted, irresponsible, self-destructive man and father.
I deliberately say «chosen» because there were other options, such as sharing the pain with you or seeking professional help.
This poor choice was contagious in the sense that you and your daughter copied his strategy. For the sake of you and your daughter's future, and to potentially create a meaningful partnership, you need to become responsible now and make one of the following choices:
- Wenn Ihre Liebe für ihn erschöpft ist, schulden Sie es Ihnen beiden, sich von ihm scheiden zu lassen. Die ersten Monate, nachdem Sie und Ihre Tochter ausgezogen sind, werden zeigen, ob er sich emotional als Teilzeitvater qualifizieren möchte. Der erste Schritt ist, mit dem Trinken aufzuhören.
- Wenn Sie ihn immer noch lieben, so wie er ist, müssen Sie von ihm verlangen, dass er zur Kur geht und trocken wiederkommt. Solange er an einem Programm teilnimmt, geben Sie ihm alle Unterstützung, welche sein Betreuer vorschlägt. Denken Sie nie, dass Ihre Liebe ihn heilen kann. Nur er selber kann sich heilen, und Sie können ihn in den folgenden Monaten und Jahren dabei unterstützen. Wenn Ihr Hausarzt ihn als klinisch depressiv diagnostiziert und ihm Antidepressivaver schreibt, muss er am selben Tag mit dem Trinken aufhören und nicht warten, bis er sich weniger depressiv fühlt. Sie und Ihre Tochter müssen in Bezug auf Ihren Umgang miteinander realistische Erwartungen haben. Sehr oft erzeugen Antidepressiva ein mattes Gefühlsleben.
No matter what decision you make, it will be the gift of a lifetime for your daughter. Not only will her relationship with her father become much clearer, she will also have a female role model in you who refuses to be a victim. She will have to learn this very soon.
