Is it OK for me to be friends with my child?

Parents shouldn't be their children's friends. Have you heard this warning before? I hear it in various contexts and notice time and again how friendship is often equated with «buddy-like behaviour» and a laissez-faire attitude.

As long as parents continue to provide guidance and fulfil their responsibilities, moments of friendship can strengthen the relationship.

However, if we take a more mature view of friendship, such aspects certainly have their place and their justification in a parent-child relationship. The key point is this: as long as parents continue to provide guidance and fulfil their responsibilities, moments of friendship can strengthen the relationship.

We can think of relationships – somewhat unromantically – as an account into which small and large deposits are made on an ongoing basis, but from which withdrawals are also made. A smile, a hug, a loving glance, listening attentively, or a lovely moment shared together: all of these things strengthen the relationship and add to this account.

Criticism, reprimands, impatient reminders about homework, disparaging remarks about her favourite YouTuber, or exasperated snorts and eye-rolling, on the other hand, have the effect of draining her energy.

Moments of camaraderie with our child – when we laugh together, play a round of «Mario Kart» or talk about a topic without judging or lecturing – help us to keep topping up this relationship bank account time and again.

Proximity makes authority more credible

Many adults still fear that too much closeness undermines parental authority. True authority, however, is not based on distance or fear, but on trust. Children – and adolescents in particular – are more likely to be guided by their parents when they realise that this person has their own views, which are important to them, and has expectations of me – but they are also interested in me, and you can even have fun with them.

Moments when a child spends time alone with a parent – whether going for a walk, fishing or camping, doing crafts or sewing together, staying up a little too late to watch an exciting film, messing about, watching an animal or trying out a new sport – are particularly effective in strengthening the relationship. They foster closeness and trust, and often make it easier to discuss concerns, address problematic behaviour or, on occasion, set expectations for the child.

Moments of friendship help you relax

Time and again, I come across parents who find bringing up children incredibly exhausting: Making sure the child gets up, eats a proper breakfast, packs a healthy lunch, puts their plate in the sink themselves, leaves the house on time, greets people politely, does their homework, and doesn't spend too much time in front of the telly or on their mobile – all of that is back-breaking work, day in, day out.

Sometimes this leads to a dynamic in which the interaction consists almost entirely of attempts to influence one another: parents and children have different goals in mind, and each tries to get their own way. Instructions are constantly being given, comments are made on the other's behaviour, rules are reiterated, appeals are made to values, or threats of consequences are made.

A close relationship between parents and their child is not a problematic factor, but rather a protective factor.

The problem is that the more often these attempts are made throughout the day, the less effective they become. This, in turn, leads to them being resorted to even more frequently. Over time, some children or teenagers simply tune out or react almost reflexively with resistance to practically everything their parents say.

Moments of friendship can work wonders, especially at times like these. It is no coincidence that psychotherapists often advise parents in this situation to set aside a specific playtime during which the adults engage with the child's play and refrain from any attempts at discipline for one hour a week. This is something that some parents find incredibly difficult.

If this is successful, however, it is often observed that the children become more approachable again, are more likely to stick to agreements, show less resistance and are more willing to talk.

Parents and children feel closer to one another today than they used to

At the same time, many parents find it relaxing not to have to constantly remain in their role as «parents» and function solely in that capacity, but to discover that they can also let their hair down with their children, enjoy moments together, laugh and experience adventures and a sense of light-heartedness as a family. In doing so, we can certainly be a little selfish and ask ourselves: What do I enjoy doing? What helps me recharge my batteries? What do we both enjoy? Rather than asking: Is this a meaningful and useful activity for my child's development?

Young people in particular often report feeling closer to and more connected with their parents these days. This aspect is sometimes portrayed as problematic in the media. It is argued that young people experience too little conflict as a result, are unable to break away from their parents, and do not become independent.

It becomes problematic when parents shift responsibility onto their child, fail to set necessary boundaries for the sake of peace, and prioritise pleasing their child above all else.

However, if we take a more nuanced look and move away from simplistic notions and comparisons between the past and the present, we realise that relationships are complex and the role of a parent is multifaceted. Closeness is not a problematic aspect here, but rather a protective factor. Young people who feel loved, seen and valued by their parents have fewer problems than others!

This is particularly true when parents not only manage to build a close relationship, but also have faith in their children and teenagers, allow them space to explore, delegate responsibility to them, and do not shy away from setting their own boundaries and addressing problems.

The problem is not moments of tension between parents and children, but rather when parents seek comfort, validation and loyalty from their children as they would from peers, shift responsibility onto the child, fail to set necessary boundaries for the sake of peace, and seek, above all, to please the child.