Blood is thicker than water, as the saying goes. It is one of many truisms about family ties that Nina* finds hard to swallow. «For me, family has nothing to do with blood ties,» she says, «but solely with the question: who fits into my life, who do I feel comfortable with?» One thing is certain: her mother is not one of them. Nina has broken off contact with her.
«When my second child was born, I knew I needed to make a radical change. The constant conflicts with my mother were wearing me down, and I wanted to spare my children from that.» Nina received the last message from her mother two years ago: a parcel containing photos from her childhood, toys from the past and pictures that Nina had given her of her first grandchild.
«She symbolically removed us from her life,» Nina believes. How did that feel? «Relieving. It was the first time that a message from her didn't drag me into this vortex of grief, anger and guilt.»
Nina, who tells her story in this article, is not alone in this. Although there are no official statistics on severed parent-child relationships, hashtags such as #NoContactFamily and #ToxicParents on social mediaspeak for themselves, as do relevant books on bestseller lists, fully booked therapists and support groups for abandoned parents.
«A silent epidemic»
«There are more and more people affected,» says psychotherapist Claudia Haarmann from Essen (Germany), who specialises in family estrangement. «In England and the USA, there is even talk of a silent epidemic.»
Between 2008 and 2022, around 12,000 Germans took part in the most well-known long-term study in the German-speaking world, the so-called Pairfam study. Today, they are between 32 and 54 years old. In 2022, seven per cent stated that they had no contact with their father, and two per cent had no contact with their mother.
Radio silence does not necessarily affect many people – alienation, on the other hand, does, as a study by the University of Cologne shows. Researchers examined data from the Pairfam study in more detail. They considered the criterion of alienation to be met «if the child and parent have contact less than once a month and are also not emotionally close». The scientists' conclusion: «One in five father-child relationships is affected, and just under one in ten mother-child relationships.»
I want to be close to my parents, but I can no longer bear a relationship that is based solely on a sense of duty.
Lia has become estranged from her parents
Lia*, who contributed to this dossier, has also become estranged from her parents. She hears from them occasionally and sees them every few months, but keeps her distance, even when it comes to her grandchildren. «I long to be close to my parents,» says the 41-year-old, «but I can no longer bear a relationship based on a sense of duty. I want genuine encounters.»
How is it that adult children reduce contact with their parents to the bare minimum, become estranged from them or cut their mother and father out of their lives? Why, even under the best of circumstances, does the relationship with one's own parents often resemble a minefield?
This dossier examines family dynamics and their entanglements, searching for clues: What are the causes of hurt feelings, arguments and alienation? How can hardened fronts be reconciled? When is it better to go separate ways? And: What can we do to ensure that our children look back on their childhood home with a lighter heart?
It affects perfectly normal families
According to the Cologne study, it is primarily traumatic family events that drive children and parents apart. The death of one parent often strains the child's relationship with the other. Separation is also a risk factor, especially when a step-parent comes into the picture. Another conclusion: the causes of relationship breakdown and alienation are manifold, with factors such as violence or sexual abuse being rare. Therapist Claudia Haarmann also emphasises this: «Alienation and loss of contact occur in completely normal families.»
Not so long ago, Rita* would have described herself as such. She lived in a multi-generational house with her daughter and son-in-law. Four years ago, the family was delighted by the imminent birth of a baby boy. Rita reduced her working hours so she could look after the child and bought a pram, toys and baby clothes.
When children turn away from their parents, it is usually because there was too much or too little closeness.
Claudia Haarmann, psychotherapist
But with the arrival of the long-awaited child, the relationship with his parents cooled: «From day one, I was kept at a distance. Everything was scrutinised, commented on, criticised: the way I changed nappies, gave the bottle, carried the child. It went on and on.» This was followed by accusations, confrontations, clarifying discussions, and the final blow: a year ago, the young family moved out. There is now complete silence. «You wouldn't wish this pain on anyone,» says Rita.
Sascha Schmidt counsels couples and families and also works as a mediator. In his coaching sessions for working parents , he often heard about grandparents being kept at a distance. He increasingly dealt with mothers and fathers who struggled to juggle everything but refused help from grandma and grandpa. Or rather, they refused the closeness to their own parents that came with it.
The tension between attachment and autonomy
Schmidt pricked up his ears, asked questions and did some research. The result is the guidebook "Melde dich mal wieder» (Get in touch again), a handbook for parents who ask themselves: Have I done something wrong? For Schmidt, it is clear that when children avoid their parents, the cause often lies in the tension between attachment and autonomy. This means that «sons and daughters have either had little or unlimited contact with their parents in the past.»
Early childhood experiences influence how we later perceive ourselves and others, how we communicate, conduct relationships and resolve conflicts; how secure our basic trust is, that confidence in the world and in ourselves. Those who have experienced reliability and physical and emotional warmth from their parents have an advantage here. Where this affection is lacking, rejection and indifference threaten to shake that basic trust.
«Some people can cope well with this upheaval,» says Schmidt, «but for others, it has a lasting effect.» Whether those affected repress their difficulties or work through them, both often result in them withdrawing from their parents, Schmidt knows: «Every contact carries the risk of disappointment, of repressed pain resurfacing or of stabilised self-confidence crumbling.»
Claudia Haarmann has been supporting abandoned parents and children who have turned away from each other for many years. Her experience also shows that although the circumstances vary, there is a common denominator. «There is either too much or too little closeness,» says Haarmann. «On the one hand, I hear about cool, distant parents who hardly conveyed any sense of security. On the other hand, sons and daughters report that they felt overwhelmed by their parents' need for closeness, especially their mother's. This phenomenon is on the rise.»
«I was abusive.»
When Rita talks about the rift with her daughter, she often says, «I was a helicopter parent.» She did everything for her children, even when they were already grown up: cleaning their cars without being asked, changing their tyres, paying for their meals. «I was intrusive, I realise that now,» she says. «I just wanted them to be happy. There were no kind words in my parents' house back then.»
Showing feelings, being close to your children: «This has only been an option in parenting for the last 30 or 40 years,» says Haarmann. «The post-war generation of parents had to swallow their feelings. It was important to be capable and not make a fuss, and that's what they taught their children too. These children are now between 50 and 80 years old. Many of them vowed to do things differently as parents. Now they have a desire for closeness, which they need because of their own experiences. It is important for these parents to understand where this need comes from – but also that it is not up to the child to compensate for the deficiency behind it.»
The question of blame is being pushed back and forth
Haarmann is convinced that the ability to be present and loving towards a child is nourished by what mothers and fathers carry with them in their own backpacks. According to this, much depends on what you yourself have experienced about love, what resources or baggage you have acquired along the way.
«Unhealed wounds, hidden grief, unresolved trauma: all of this will be expressed in the relationship with the child,» she knows. «When mothers and fathers are preoccupied with inner scenes from their past, their own desires take centre stage, not the feelings of the child. This is where the causes of the conflicts that the child will later have with their parents are rooted.»
Freeing oneself from entanglements
The question of guilt is pushed back and forth. While adult children reported emotional coldness, their mothers said they wanted the best for them. «On the one hand, I have desperate women sitting in front of me who don't understand their situation, and on the other, their children who demand that their mothers admit their mistakes,» says Haarmann. «Everyone remains stuck in their old roles. This makes it impossible to bridge the gap.»
Remorse or resentment, disappointment over a lack of recognition or anger over too much interference: «These are signs that we have not sufficiently accomplished an existential life task: healthy separation from our parents,» says Sandra Konrad, a psychologist with a practice in Hamburg.
She is the author of the bestseller «Nicht ohne meine Eltern» (Not Without My Parents) and deals with family dynamics and their impact on subsequent generations. «Many people are hopelessly entangled with their parents,» she says. «Feelings of guilt and disappointment dominate the relationship because people overwhelm each other with unfulfillable expectations.»
Breaking away from one's parents means taking control of one's own life.
Sandra Konrad, psychologist
Only when these entanglements are recognised and resolved can relationships change for the better. But what does it mean to be «healthily detached»? «On the one hand, it means being less dependent on your parents and their approval,» says Konrad, «and on the other hand, it means giving up unrealistic expectations of them and taking responsibility for your own life.»
Live your own life
So it's about living your own life. What sounds logical leads to conflict in many families, Konrad knows. Because parents worry, disagree with their child's life plan, feel neglected – and show it. As a result, many adults feel restricted, bound by their parents' expectations.
Some find it difficult to make decisions that displease their mother and father, while others torment themselves, often beyond the death of their parents, with beliefs that they have set in stone. And many joylessly stick to obligatory visits so that the church remains in the village.
«Children who have not been detached often act in a submissive or conformist manner,» says Konrad. «Or they rebel against their parents and rigorously reject their wishes. Both attitudes are immature because they prevent self-determined decisions.»
The art of disappointing one's parents
As long as we conform to our parents or rebel against them, we have not yet found our own voice, says Michael Bordt. The Jesuit and philosopher has written a highly acclaimed book: "The Art of Disappointing Your Parents». It is about the search for a self-determined life – «an ideal that we can approach, but from which we can also repeatedly stray,» as Bordt says.
On the path to a fulfilling life, we cannot avoid disappointing other people. This happens when we do not want to or cannot meet their expectations. «However, we run the risk of losing their affection,» says Bordt. «This can be particularly difficult when it comes to our parents – because we do not want to lose their benevolent view of us, or, one might almost say, their blessing.»
The value of disappointment
Disappointments bring us back down to earth with a bump. Bordt knows that this is where their liberating power lies. Disappointing people means taking away their illusions, freeing them from what they see in us but what we are not.
«But it's also an offer of connection,» says Bordt. «I reveal myself as the person I really am.» Parents cannot help but disappoint their children: «Our dependence on them once led us to believe that they were infallible. We trusted them unreservedly, only to learn over time that mum and dad have limitations and make mistakes, that they too are needy and vulnerable and cannot offer us complete protection.»
Accepting your parents as they are is one of the most fundamental and difficult learning processes.
Michael Bordt, philosopher
This process of disappointment corresponds to the natural separation and is far from complete after puberty. The ideal image we had of our parents as children is too deeply ingrained in us.
It manifests itself in the need for love, support and recognition – and the longing to be able to demand all of this from those who may deny it to us: our parents. «Letting go of the desire for our parents to be different and accepting them as they are,» says Bordt, «is one of the most fundamental and difficult learning processes.»
Adult view of parents
Breaking away from one's parents therefore involves not only rejecting inappropriate demands, but also critically questioning one's own desires. «Just as we are allowed to break away from our parents' expectations, it is important to free them from ours at some point,» says psychologist Konrad.
«At least when parents clearly do not want to or cannot meet these expectations.» As long as we demand the impossible from them, we remain trapped in our childhood, in dependency. «We give parents the power to repeatedly hurt our feelings,» says Konrad. «And the disappointment we feel about this prevents us from having mature relationships: we demand from others what they do not give us.»
On the other hand, those who can give up false hopes and accept disappointment will begin to view their parents through a more mature lens: How did they become the way they are? «Questions like these are important because they free our parents from their roles as mother and father,» says Konrad.
«They turn them into people who were once children themselves, who suffered from their parents' expectations and disappointments. The chronology of their parents' lives and certain family patterns become understandable. And perhaps compassion arises for the children that their parents once were.»
Becoming aware of childhood shortcomings and mourning them
But the path to get there is difficult. «Everything we have tried to deny, gloss over or ignore will come back to haunt us,» says the psychologist. «It's about becoming aware of our childhood shortcomings and mourning them. Seeing our parents as they really are and, when in doubt, acknowledging that they couldn't and can't provide for us any better.»
Taking responsibility for one's own well-being requires emotional work, Konrad knows. The less practice people have in perceiving, classifying and weighing their feelings and needs, the harder it is. To get to the bottom of such fundamental questions: What do I need? How do I get it? What helps me when things get difficult? Some people only learned this in therapy, while others were able to work it out for themselves as they developed.
Finding peace with your parents does not always go hand in hand with having a good relationship with them.
Michael Bordt, philosopher
Making peace with your parents does not mean that they will not get on your nerves from time to time, that you will not argue or get annoyed about ingrained patterns, says philosopher Bordt. Rather, it requires a constructive approach to disappointment – which depends on a willingness to learn about reality, «about how other people and the world really are».
This realism helps to focus on one's own development rather than on changes one hopes to see in others. Finding peace with one's parents therefore means detaching oneself from the inner dynamics that make it difficult to live a self-determined life.
External separation does not resolve internal conflict
«This doesn't always go hand in hand with a good relationship with them,» says Bordt, «because that also depends on the parents.» If they are not willing to learn about reality, to quote Bordt, if they instead demand the impossible from us, cling to hurtful judgements and habits – then it may be right to draw a line under it.
However, external separation does not resolve internal conflict. To do that, we must learn to accept what went wrong as part of our own history. «Contrary to the desire to no longer feel hurt, it is important to practise accepting it as part of our reality,» says Bordt.
How resilience grows
«Resilience grows as we learn to allow negative feelings to come to us and consciously perceive them. Physical reactions such as heart palpitations can help with this. By focusing our attention on the body, we gain distance from our feelings. As a result, we no longer identify completely with them, but rather with the part of us that perceives them.»
Over time, this gives rise to a force that makes us strong: reconciliation with our own inner reality. Sometimes this leads to a willingness to reconcile with others: «For I need not fear people simply because they might trigger feelings in me that I am unable to cope with.»
It is easier to make peace with someone who is understanding. But psychologist Konrad knows that it is also possible under less ideal conditions: «We can find peace even without our parents changing or acknowledging their mistakes; it doesn't matter whether we are in contact with them or whether they have died. It's less about making peace with our real parents and more about coming to terms with our own past and accepting our lives as they are and as they were.»
*Names changed by the editors
