Breaking off contact: Our topic for March
These are words full of pain and bitterness: «I don't even know where my daughter lives,» says Rita. The 60-year-old has had no contact with her daughter for a year. «Our distance has made a few things clear to me. That I was a mother hen, for example. I took too much off my children's hands, I was overbearing. My childhood home was loveless, we had to struggle, otherwise there would be consequences. Having a loving family was all I wanted – perhaps too much.»
Rita's story is touching. And it is not an isolated case. Around 100,000 adult children in Germany have broken off contact with their parents. This figure is a rough estimate by sociologists; the actual number is likely to be higher. According to a study published in 2021 by the Umbrella Organisation for Joint Parenting, 13,000 children in Switzerland live without contact to one parent.
The loss of her grandson weighs almost heavier on her than the break with her daughter, says Rita. «It breaks my heart when I see people with their grandchildren. I write letters to mine, which I keep with my will. I want them to know that I have thought about them every day. I attend a support group for abandoned parents. It helps not to be alone with my pain. I share my story in the hope that others will talk about theirs. I hope that my daughter and I will also have this opportunity at some point.»
There are various reasons why adult children may have a strained relationship with their mother or father. Family therapist Claudia Haarmann sees a common denominator: «There is either too much or too little closeness. On the one hand, sons and daughters report having cold, distant parents who do not allow any closeness and have hardly ever been able to convey a feeling of warmth and love. On the other hand, I hear stories about parents who are overprotective, constantly calling, wanting to be close to their children and know everything about them.»
How can a rapprochement between entrenched positions be achieved, and when is it better to go separate ways? This is the subject of our dossier «Breaking off contact». It explores the question: what can we as parents do to ensure that the separation is successful and that the relationship with our children eventually becomes a partnership between adults?
Yours sincerely,
Nik Niethammer
