Mr Schneider, more and more couples are now making a conscious decision not to have children, or to have no more than one. What is it that makes family life so unattractive these days?
I don't think it's become any less appealing than it used to be. Having a family has always had its pros and cons. But up until the 1970s, that simply didn't matter, because women usually had no choice but to become wives and mothers.
It was only thanks to better contraceptives and professional emancipation that they were even able to decide whether or not they wanted to start a family. And there is certainly a trend today towards choosing not to have children, precisely because people have the freedom to make that choice. However, I believe that far more couples are childless against their will, or have only one child against their will, because they put off making the decision for too long.
These days, when it comes to dealing with children, a great deal is based on reason and very little on parental intuition.
What do you mean by that?
Because starting a family can be planned these days, many couples try to time it just right. But there is no such thing as the «right time», because there are always reasons not to. Education, finances, the size of your home, your partner, your career, your age – there's always something that doesn't quite fit. And society tends to focus on the negative aspects of parenthood, such as having to give up your career or the high cost of childcare. So people wait, and over the years an increasingly idealised picture of perfect family happiness emerges ...
... which reality simply cannot live up to?
How could it be otherwise? Life with children is, by its very nature, chaotic; in many situations, it means losing all control – and certainly not perfectionism. Many parents are already feeling dissatisfied in the delivery room when they realise that the birth isn't going the way they'd imagined. And then there are all the restrictions on personal freedom that children inevitably bring with them. Fewer and fewer people are willing to accept this today than they used to be.
What about all the wonderful things that family can also mean?
The joy that comes from watching a child grow up is very abstract compared to the very concrete and tangible things, such as the cost of childcare or health insurance. I can look at figures like that. But the happiness that children bring, I have to experience it for myself. In a society where more and more couples are choosing not to have children, it is not uncommon for one's own baby to be the first child parents ever hold in their arms.
So young people lack positive role models?
We humans simply learn best by example. After all, parental intuition is ultimately based on having observed how to soothe a crying baby or respond to a tantrum. These days, a great deal of our approach to parenting is based on logic; we read parenting guides or blogs. This, too, creates a great deal of pressure and stress, because it leads us to compare ourselves with others.
No two families are the same. My advice to all parents – or those hoping to become parents – is simply this: try to let go of the pressure to meet others’ expectations and focus more on yourselves, rather than constantly competing with others and striving to be better or more perfect. Because all of that definitely gets in the way of a healthy family life.
That sounds good, but in a very restless society that is constantly striving for more and better, it's not easy.
No, not at all. But when I realise that nobody has to be a perfect mother or father, that it's enough just to be good enough, that mindset makes a huge difference. Then I'll quickly realise that the children will grow up just fine even if I'm not looking after them 24/7. I can certainly expect them to go to school on their own. And they don't need a different activity every afternoon that I have to take them to. This, in turn, gives parents the breathing space they so desperately need for self-care. Because if they neglect this, first they become unhappy, and then the children do too.
What remains is the time pressure that so many parents face today, simply because they have to – or want to – work as well.
Admittedly, institutional childcare options are still far from ideal. On top of that, there are the high costs and, all too often, a lack of flexibility. As a parent, I could complain about this. Or I could simply accept that a nursery or after-school club can provide some support, but they can't take the full burden off my shoulders. So I need a social network.
We urgently need more neighbourhood networks, known as «caring communities».
It takes a village to raise a child.
Exactly. In the past, it was the extended family. These days, many people don't even live near their grandparents anymore . So I have to look elsewhere for social support. I live in a block of flats. Here, several families have got together to organise childcare – and the children have a right good time together. We urgently need more neighbourhood networks like this, so-called «caring communities». Otherwise, we won't be able to cope with either childcare or care for the elderly; otherwise, half of our society would soon have to work in these two sectors – which simply isn't feasible.
Would you still start a family today?
Yes. But of course, that is something everyone must decide for themselves. Starting a family and everyday family life become a problem when intuition is supplanted by reason, and a relaxed sense of calm is replaced by an overzealous drive for perfection.
