«It is essential for children to be seen»

Mrs Altstötter-Gleich, are you born a perfectionist or are you made one?

There is a moderate hereditary condition, i.e. a genetic disposition. Several twin studies have proven this. In my opinion, however, perfectionism is not directly inherited, but rather a predisposition to emotional instability and therefore also to anxiety. And this is a core element of the form of perfectionism that is problematic: high standards combined with the fear of failure. Affected people are particularly susceptible to reacting strongly to punishment and perceived threats.

But genetics only plays a subordinate role?

Exactly, because the focus is clearly on the parental home. This means that the parents' behaviour and attitude play a greater role. Four models can be distinguished. Firstly, so-called learning by example: parents are perfectionists themselves and have very high standards and a fear of failure. They exemplify this behaviour and the children copy it from them. This is well documented empirically.

In the social expectations model, many parents are very demanding and therefore consciously make sure that their children also have high expectations of themselves. As parents, you then control the children very closely and react particularly sensitively to their mistakes, to their failures, because you see failure itself as so problematic. Of course, we all live in a meritocracy, so it would be strange if parents were to say: «Oh, it's irrelevant if you don't get good grades at school.» The only question is how coldly parents react to mistakes and with what intensity.

How does this harmful way of dealing with mistakes manifest itself in everyday family life?

One example: I have two sons myself and when they were young I was often allowed to watch them scolding other children on the sidelines: «How could you? Why didn't you see that? If only you'd done it like that!» In other words, the reaction to mistakes is harsh, cold and disrespectful if the children don't live up to their parents' high standards. That's a toxic combination!

A lack of appreciation is often enough to develop problematic perfectionist tendencies.

It doesn't have to be a beating or anything else dramatic, but very often this lack of appreciation and recognition is enough for problematic perfectionist tendencies to develop. After all, it is essential for children to be seen.

How do the parents in the other two models contribute to the children's perfectionism?

The third model describes the anxious parenting style as the cause. Here we are dealing with very anxious parents who only want the best for their child, not because they have such high standards themselves, but because they are afraid that their child might have problems in the future. You hear a lot of worries from them: «If you don't do well enough at school, you won't get an apprenticeship and then people won't like you anymore and then you won't be able to earn any money and then ...» This catastrophic thinking about all the terrible things that can and will happen if you fail can become ingrained in the children.

So parents of perfectionist children are too involved, or at least very involved, in the area of performance?

Often, but not always: there is also the explanatory approach of the social reaction. According to this approach, perfectionist traits are often found in households where there is emotional or possibly also sexual or physical abuse. The core characteristic of these families is that the child tries to bring order to the chaos by creating clear structures and performing very, very well. As there is often little consistent parenting behaviour in these highly emotional, abusive families, the children do everything they can to be flawless so as not to be punished. This explanatory approach has so far been the least researched because it is very difficult to access such families for corresponding studies.

Perfectionist children lack the basic trust that they always have someone to hold them and see them.

Parents react very differently, what do the children have in common?

They all make their self-worth very dependent on the recognition of others and their own performance. An independent, very basic self-esteem is not inherent in them. Due to early socialisation experiences, they lack the basic trust that they always have someone who will hold them and see them.

At what age can perfectionist tendencies be recognised in children?

A first indication is the so-called frustration tolerance, where differences become apparent relatively early on: How do preschool children deal with things not working out the way they want them to? If everything is immediately thrown away, this is a first indication that they may be developing a tendency towards dysfunctional perfectionism.

Unfortunately, this often means that they stop trying out certain things, such as manual labour, as early as toddlerhood because they feel they are not good enough. This avoidance is a typical reaction to fear. Otherwise, as soon as you enter an assessment and performance context such as school, the tendencies laid down in the parental home become apparent, i.e. as soon as grades and assessments become more explicit and the system does not support the attitude of being allowed to make mistakes enough.