«I'm so excited for her, but my daughter is just sad»
Mum: Hello. Something is bothering me a lot. May I tell you right away?
Counsellor: Yes, very much so.
Mum: For some time now, I've been preoccupied by the moment when my six-year-old daughter comes to me from her father's house. She spends one week with him and one week with me. The handover is always at five o'clock on a Sunday evening. We've been separated for more than a year, but she still finds the changes really difficult. She gets really sad, sometimes even angry . This phase often lasts a day or even longer.
Counsellor: That sounds like a big challenge for both of you.
Mum: I understand my daughter, the situation is difficult for her. At the same time, I have to be careful not to be too disappointed or annoyed with her. I'm so excited for her, but I don't understand why she still gets so upset at every handover.
Strong feelings on both sides
Counsellor: So you want the transitions to normalise and run more smoothly, without these strong emotions. Do I understand that correctly?
Mum: Yes, exactly. I feel really guilty putting her through this. I also often feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I've tried so much! We've talked to each other, we've done great things, we've also spent quiet moments together, but somehow nothing seems to help.
Your daughter has had a very different week to you. It will take time for the two of you to reconnect.
Counsellor
Counsellor: I understand that it is important to you to be there for your daughter and to support her as much as possible. However, it is also the case that it often takes longer than expected for children to manage transitions without difficulties. These times are burdened by strong feelings on the part of both the children and the parents.
Mum: Exactly! I realise that I often get upset about her father too. When I want to talk to him about it, he just says that she doesn't have that problem with him. He thinks I'm exaggerating and making her too soft. I, on the other hand, think that he often does things that totally exhaust her or that he lets her sit in front of the screen for too long. I think she keeps coming to me completely exhausted. I also have no idea how he prepares the transitions.
A different orbit
Counsellor: I think it's important not to underestimate the fact that your daughter has had a completely different week to you. Perhaps you can compare this to the orbits of planets. In normal everyday life, these run fairly parallel and you can roughly see where your child is. You can look from one orbit to the other. This is not possible after a week with the other parent, the child has had completely different experiences. This is not a bad thing for children, but it takes time for different orbits to become more or less parallel again or - as in your case - for you and your child to come closer together again.
Mum: That's right, the picture fits well.
Things go better when I am open and generous with my daughter's emotions and at the same time with myself.
Mother
Counsellor : Listening to you, I can see various issues that we could look at more closely. On the one hand, the question of what could help your daughter to take the change a little easier. On the other hand, the question of how you can deal with your own emotions. And then there are the different perceptions of parenting between you and the father. Which topic would you like to discuss in more depth?
Mum: I don't really want to talk about the father, it's so energy-sapping and I know that I have little influence. I'd rather talk about how I can deal with the situation myself and how I could support my daughter better.
More time for transitions
Counsellor: Good, then let's focus on you and your daughter, you are able to act. When you think back, were there any transitions that went better? And what did you do differently in these situations?
Mum: I'm just realising that it often has to do with my expectations. That things go better if I allow my daughter the transition period and realise that not everything has to go perfectly straight away. Then my emotions boil over less and I'm more relaxed.
Counsellor: That is certainly an important point. Adjusting your expectations for the day could make a big difference. What else would help you to approach the situation more calmly?
Mum: Hm, I can't think of anything else at the moment.
Counsellor: Sometimes it helps if you take time before the handover to prepare yourself mentally and adjust to the situation.
Mum: That's right, it could take the pressure off the situation. Then I wouldn't feel so exposed.
Counsellor: Exactly. What could that look like in concrete terms?
Mum: I drink a cup of tea and remember that transitions take time and that my daughter's feelings are normal.
Stabilise emotions
Counsellor: That sounds promising. And what would be your favourite way to welcome your daughter?
Mum: I've found that things go better when I'm open and generous with their emotions, but also with myself at the same time.
Counsellor: Do I understand you correctly that the preparation will stabilise you emotionally and enable you to deal more openly and generously with your daughter's feelings?
Mother: Yes, I believe that if I take a step out of my emotions, I can accompany my daughter in her feelings more easily.
Counsellor: I think so too. Maybe you can try it out over the next few weeks and see if anything changes.
Mum: I'm happy to do that. Thank you for the conversation, it did me good. The image of the orbits sums it up quite well for me. It shows that I have to live with these phases. If I can prepare myself for the reunions and lower my expectations a little, I'm confident that the encounters will become more relaxed again.
Consultant: That's a great plan. I wish you all the best with its realisation!
This protocol is a highly abbreviated recording of a longer counselling session, reduced to the essentials. Our aim is to provide an insight into our work and to give readers food for thought on similar issues.
Yvonne Müller, Co-Head of the Parents' Emergency Call Centre
