If you do well, you get a reward

When there are sweets for sitting still and chocolate is the only consolation for sadness, food takes on a different meaning. If a child no longer listens to their gut feeling, this can have undesirable consequences.

In collaboration with Betty Bossi
A typical evening with the Rossi family: dinner is not yet on the table and the youngest family member wants to be carried all the time, while the older brother is busy colouring the wall with his new crayons.

Take a deep breath, calm the children down and finally get cooking. Leo gets a cold piece of apple for his first teeth and sucks on it contentedly, while Cyril makes do with chocolate crackers. A situation that is probably familiar to many parents. Only, in this situation, the food does not serve its actual purpose, namely to satisfy, but primarily distracts, occupies and amuses the two children.

Admittedly, in some situations only something to eat - usually something sweet - can provoke the desired reaction in children. And not just for children. For a very long time, eating and drinking have not only served to nourish the body. For example, we eat for religious, health or family reasons.

Advertising shows what products can supposedly do for us. Food is connoted with desirable characteristics. If we eat a certain food, we become slim, strong, funny, courageous, masculine, feminine and so on. Not «just» full. With small children, it is challenging to guess which need is currently present. It can happen that the need for closeness and affection is misunderstood or leads to insecurity. Giving the child something to eat in such a situation can calm them down in the short term, but the need for closeness still exists and tends to be intensified. If older children are comforted with chocolate, for example, this action sends the wrong signals. Comfort is associated with chocolate, which can continue into adulthood and may lead to unfavourable eating patterns.

Reward equals punishment

A reward is the opposite of a punishment. That's what I thought until now. If you look closely, rewards are very similar to punishments. (Editor's reading tip: Jesper Juul: Rewarding desired behaviour is an abuse of power). A desired or undesired action by the children is followed by an action by the parents.

Parental control is at the centre of both actions.
Desired actions by the child are reinforced with a treat in the hope that they will be repeated. Little attention is paid to the children's motives and intuition. Children are generally very intuitive. They make decisions based on gut instinct or even hunger and satiety. They sense very clearly when they are hungry and when they are full.

If they are now regularly given food when they do something well, when they have to be quiet or when they have to be patient, they no longer eat intuitively, but for a different purpose. Intuitive eating is lost as a result. The same thing happens when you promise your child a dessert if they finish their broccoli.

Part of the plan will probably work, the broccoli will be choked down reluctantly, preferably without chewing. Your child will still not like it. This is because children are clever and remember the reward. If it works once with the promised dessert, it will work again and again. And something that needs a reward to be eaten in the first place cannot taste good at all.

Be lenient with yourself

This article is not intended to cause confusion or question your parenting. Everyday family life can be very stressful, especially when unplanned things happen, which is often the case with children. But food should be the first priority to keep you and your family full. Enjoying meals together at the family table while satisfying social needs definitely makes sense and is very valuable for you and your family.

Try to make the broccoli or fennel palatable to your child in a positive way, perhaps they like the fennel finely sliced as a salad in combination with an apple. Or they like the broccoli crispy baked in the oven. But maybe the broccoli will stay on the plate until adulthood, while other vegetables are eaten in preference, which is also fine. You can enjoy a delicious dessert together as a family without your child having to do anything.

After a busy day, quick meals that you can prepare are worthwhile. Cooking takes less time and you can fully attend to your children's needs without having to keep them quiet. So it's a win-win situation.

Quick menus - conjured up on the table in 20 minutes

Even though I am a very spontaneous cook and have always wanted to stay that way, I realise that a flexible menu plan for the week can be very useful and save me a lot of time when shopping and cooking. Quick menus from my personal menu fund:

  • Käseschnitte mit Salat
  • Couscous-, Teigwaren- oder Linsensalat (kann am Vortag vorbereitet werden)
  • Polenta-Pizza 
  • Spaghetti mit Tomatensauce und Gemüsedip
  • Chili con/sin Carne
  • Gemüsecurry mit Reis (Gemüse am Vorabend rüsten)
  • Hörnligratin mit Broccoli (Hörnli am Vorabend kochen, Broccoli am Vorabend rüsten)
  • Flammkuchen
  • Lasagne (am Wochenende vorbereiten und tiefkühlen)

About the author:

Vera Kessens ist BSc Ernährungsberaterin SVDE bei Betty Bossi AG.
Vera Kessens is a BSc Nutrition Consultant SVDE at Betty Bossi AG.

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