«I wanted to do better later on»
Valentina Müller, 39, had a difficult childhood. Today, the secretary lives with her husband, son and three cats in the canton of St. Gallen. She had to learn to give up her demand for perfection in parenting.
I grew up with a foster family for eight years. When I returned to my mum and my siblings, I constantly had the feeling that I couldn't please anyone. My mum and I just didn't fit together! I was very sensitive and she was often overwhelmed. Even back then, I told myself that I would do better one day. This sentence brings with it an incredible amount of pressure. You want to make everything perfect for your own children and you fail in this endeavour every day.
You often read that mums don't have to be perfect. But society constantly gives you the feeling that you have to be an over-mother! When my son was born, I wasn't allowed to breastfeed because of the medication for my multiple sclerosis. They didn't believe me at the hospital and made me feel like I was doing something wrong.
I had the baby blues for a long time. That sounds harmless, but I was very mentally distressed at the time. The midwife just said it was normal and that I, as a mother, already knew what was best for my child. At that moment, I didn't know - and I felt like a total failure!
This experience stayed with me for a long time, but I didn't talk about it. I was all alone with the gnawing feeling of being a bad mum. I think that really fuelled the pressure to want to do everything perfectly in parenting.
Take the pressure off, accept your own mistakes
Our son was very sensitive from the start and was later diagnosed with a language acquisition disorder, ADHD and learning difficulties. Once again, I felt enormous pressure. It wasn't my child's difficulties that overwhelmed me, but the constant inner voice telling me that I had to behave correctly and flawlessly. When I was tired or irritable, I immediately felt extremely bad. I had to take a long hard look at myself and my own childhood, distance myself from people I couldn't please and accept my own mistakes.
Especially in stressful situations, the behaviour that you experienced with your own parents and hated so much in childhood comes back. What's more, I didn't have a father myself and was never able to learn how someone would behave in this role. When you later have a partner and children yourself, you don't have this experience. For example, you are much quicker to criticise the other person if they seem too strict with the children.
Psychological non-fiction books helped me. I've always felt a connection to books, so that was the right way for me to deal with myself. Even today, I still have to accept that you can't stand up to your own perfectionism for too long.
