I have everything, why am I not happy?

Many of us have a clear idea of where we want to go in life: the right partner, children at the «right» time, a house with a garden, holidays by the sea and, of course, a well-paid job in which we can fulfil our potential. Quite a few people find themselves in the midst of all these achievements at some point and realise: Now I have everything I've always wanted and I'm still not satisfied!

Psychological research provides a surprisingly banal explanation for this: we humans are pretty bad at finding out which goals are really good for us and satisfy us in the long term.

Good grades, career, fulfilment of duties - no guarantee of satisfaction

Hand on heart, we all know people who ...

• ... have climbed the career ladder and only realised after a burnout that they were getting little out of it and paying a high price for it.
• ... Only when the children are grown up do they realise that they have missed out on many beautiful and important things and are annoyed that they didn't set their priorities differently, even though it would have been possible.
• ... place so much importance on presenting an impeccable image to the outside world that their everyday life feels like nothing more than the fulfilment of duties and leaves no room for real encounters and enjoyment.
• ... as a child or teenager subordinated everything to good grades or sporting success and as an adult painfully realise that this fixation has stolen their childhood or youth.

Of course there are people who can celebrate every step on the career ladder or spend fourteen hours a day at work, experiencing flow and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

It is the question of all questions: What would I regret most at the end of my life if I continued to live as I do now?

The only question is: Is the life we are creating here really in line with our needs? Or are we postponing our goals, wishes and dreams that mean something to us until later because we are constantly unconsciously aligning ourselves with the ideas and expectations of others or unexamined assumptions? We gain more clarity when we detach ourselves from the daily grind and look at our lives in a larger context.

Recognising what we are missing

The following question can prove to be particularly helpful: What would you regret most at the end of your life if you continued to live as you do now? Perhaps you are like most people and would prefer not to deal with this question at all.

If you let them sink in for a while, a surprisingly clear picture often crystallises: We realise what we are missing at the moment. We realise where we have made a lazy compromise, deluded ourselves or sabotaged ourselves.

When fear stands in the way of personal happiness

However, all the supposed reasons why change is impossible also emerge immediately. A 27-year-old law student told me in a seminar on procrastination that he felt like he was stuck in a dead end. He had been working towards a bachelor's degree for six years, but put off every seminar paper for months, started preparing for exams too late and often stayed in bed in the morning instead of going to university.

The turning point came when he was able to honestly admit to himself that he would never become a lawyer.

He had to admit: «The lectures bore me and I can't imagine working as a lawyer or solicitor later on. But I can't stop now either: after all, I've already put so much into it! My parents would also be totally disappointed if I quit. It was so important to them that I study anyway and my father always emphasises that you're on the safe side with law ...»

The turning point came when he was able to honestly admit to himself that he would never become a lawyer. Not even if he struggles through the rest of his studies. Just because he has already spent six years of his life doing something he can't stand doesn't mean he can continue doing it for the rest of his life. Of course, the fear of losing his parents' approval and support blocked him. And he had no plan B.

In the end, he plucked up all his courage and discussed his situation with his parents. They initially tried to talk some sense into him, but also realised that their son had been unhappy in recent years and had made little progress in his studies. All three needed some time to reconcile themselves to the idea that this young man's career path would not be straight as an arrow, but would require detours via internships, career counselling and a taster of different professions in order to find a suitable career.

Perfectionism makes you dissatisfied

Sometimes dissatisfaction creeps into life little by little. This was the case for a mother of three who had devoted herself entirely to her family. While many of her friends returned to work after a while, she and her partner decided to stay at home with the children and look after them, the household and the garden. She enjoyed being able to devote herself fully to her children, but also felt the pressure of constantly having to justify her decision to her friends.

At some point, the following thought took root in her mind: «If I'm «only» a housewife and mum, then at least I have to do it really well!» The house had to look spick and span, the children always had to be neatly dressed and brought to nursery and school with healthy and lovingly prepared snacks in their bags. Homework had to be carefully supervised and checked, and the children had to be driven to various hobbies. More and more, she had to have everything «under control».

What is really important to me?

What would she regret most at the end of her life if everything went on as before? Her answer: The worst thing for her would be not to have lived properly at all. If she had to admit to herself that she was so busy fulfilling her perfectionist standards that she never let herself go, hardly enjoyed beautiful moments and couldn't listen to her body's warning signals. And that this urge to do everything well and correctly now dominates everything and overshadows the joy of having children.

What actually contributes to the well-being of me and my family?

Her task now was to reconnect with her original wishes and goals and to scrutinise her standards: What is really important to me? What actually contributes to the well-being of me and my family? And where would it be healthy to question expectations or relinquish individual tasks?

What insights do you gain when you ask yourself this question? Is there a large area of your life waiting for you to boldly reshape it? Or are there smaller aspects that you would like to pay more attention to in your everyday life in future?