How your child learns to regulate their emotions
In the colourful and lively environment of kindergarten, children not only begin to discover the world around them, but also to better understand themselves and their feelings. While Emma strings beads at the craft table and is annoyed that the pattern isn't right, Emir and Sascha have to agree on who gets to push the Brio train engine along the track next. Luana is comforted by the kindergarten teacher: Her best friend wants to play with another child today and Luana would prefer to go home.
Malik doesn't notice much of this. He is so proud! Today, for the first time, he dared to talk about his weekend in the morning circle. He was at the zoo with his dad and was so excited about the animals that he wanted to tell the group about it despite his shyness. What a big, challenging task! Fortunately, your child has already laid important foundations in the first year of kindergarten and is not left to his own devices in his development: You as parents as well as the kindergarten teachers and the group are there to support him.
Big differences in how children experience emotions
Overcoming fears, dealing with small moments of frustration, curbing anger and aggression, coping with disappointment and joining in even if you don't feel like it: Curriculum 21 stipulates that children in kindergarten should have repeated opportunities to practise regulating their emotions and strengthen their frustration tolerance.
Carmen Furrer, a long-standing lecturer in kindergarten didactics and developmental psychology at the Valais University of Teacher Education, emphasises: "Dealing with emotions is incorporated into everyday kindergarten life on a cross-curricular basis every day. There are big differences between children. Based on this heterogeneity, the aim is to stimulate and promote the development and learning of all children.
From the age of three to four, children gradually develop the ability to take the perspective of others.
For example, shy children are also encouraged to express themselves in the large group and thus develop courage and self-confidence. Or the kindergarten teacher gives children games and tasks in which they need perseverance and learn to postpone short-term wishes in order to pursue longer-term goals." All of this lays important foundations for children to develop emotional and social intelligence and empathy.
While young children naturally assume that everyone thinks and ticks like they do, from the age of three to four they gradually develop the ability to take the perspective of others and attribute very personal wishes, intentions, ideas and feelings to them.
The change of perspective
A classic experiment that aims to demonstrate this development process is the so-called SallyAnne test by British psychology professor Simon Baron Cohen. The children watch a picture story in which a girl called Sally first puts a marble in a basket and leaves the room. Later, a second child called Anne enters the room, grabs the marble and hides it in a box.
Now ask the test children who are following the story: «If Sally comes back now, where will she look for the marble?» While the younger ones are still convinced that Sally will look in the box, the older ones already realise that only they are aware of the secret change of location, but that Sally cannot know this. Their brains perform an amazing feat: they can recognise that another child has a different level of knowledge to them and will base their decisions on this.
Through play, children learn to pay attention to the feelings of others and to express their own feelings appropriately.
Between the ages of three and six, more and more children master this developmental step. This is usually followed by a phase in which children take immense pleasure in deceiving others and experimenting with little lies. It's as if they are surprised each time anew that they have an information advantage over an adult and can therefore fool them.
However, the ability to adopt perspectives also makes a significant contribution to children being able to engage with each other, treat each other lovingly and come together again after conflicts. As parents, you can discover this new world that opens up to your child together with them. If they tell you about an argument with a friend, you can ask them openly and curiously: «What exactly happened? How did you feel? And how do you think your friend felt? What do you think? Why did he react like that? What do you think he wanted?»
Recognising, naming and enduring feelings
In emotional moments, kindergarten teachers offer small aids to help children articulate their feelings. They encourage children to use words such as «sad», «angry» or «happy» to describe what is going on inside them. This simple practice of naming helps children to develop an awareness of their own emotional states.
Emotional vocabulary and an understanding of inner events are deepened through stories and role play. The children learn to put themselves in the shoes of others and familiarise themselves with different possible courses of action. Interaction with peers also plays a crucial role.
Through play, children learn to recognise and respond to the feelings of others and to express their own feelings in a socially acceptable way. They learn that their actions can trigger emotional reactions in others, which creates a basic understanding of cause and effect in social relationships.
The monster in the child
Manuela Flütsch, a remedial teacher at kindergarten level from Says GR, describes how all of these aspects interact using a touching example: "I remember a child whose emotional outbursts - which we thought came out of nowhere - affected the interaction in the kindergarten group. He swore, shouted, stamped and ran away to hide. Here and there, doors slammed and things broke.
After the first seizures, which occurred several times a day, we teachers sought to talk to the child calmly. It was important for us to let the child feel that all feelings are allowed and that we value the child for who they are. We wanted to understand his anger and talk to him about what he could and could not do.
The child localised the anger in his stomach as something dark and strong and showed his teeth as he described it. His words matched his posture, because he would have liked to smash everything. When the feelings were very strong, it even wanted to kill everything.
Together with the child, we looked for an inner image for this powerful, snarling thing in the stomach. The child spoke of a monster. And we wanted to learn to tame it together. We drew it and asked ourselves when it would make itself most noticeable and what it would need so that it didn't get too strong.
A place of retreat helps the child to calm down
We quickly realised that the monster always appeared when the child didn't want to do something in the group or felt unsafe. Because he always tried to avoid this situation by shouting and screaming, we offered him the opportunity to go to a place of his own choosing as soon as he heard the monster grumbling in his stomach. Slamming doors, breaking things and screaming were not allowed. The child really liked the solution and wanted to sit quietly in the retreat until the monster was no longer annoying. It often looked for an elevated position to calm down.
Success is no small thing, but it starts with many small things.
In the beginning, it often used the retreat, logically not always without slamming doors and screaming. Gradually, the child developed the ability to hold on to his strong feelings for longer and longer and not run away. We teachers developed a sense of when the monster was creeping up and were able to support the child. Gradually, the child managed to calm his monster in the presence of the whole group.
Appreciate even the smallest progress of the child
With increasing confidence and growing trust in his own abilities, the monster became calmer. We were all incredibly proud. The important thing during this accompaniment is to recognise the smallest progress made by the children and to communicate it to them. Because success is not a small thing, but it starts with many small things. When children struggle with intense emotional outbursts, it is also important to involve the other children and parents, as kindergarten teacher Andrea Elsener from Baar ZG describes.
At home, we can also encourage children to deal with their feelings by teaching them that all feelings are normal.
This includes instructing the group to refrain from unnecessary provocation and signalling to the impulsive child, even if they take steps backwards: «The main thing is that you have tried it. Over time, you will get better and better at dealing with your feelings. Fortunately, you are in our class. We can help you and solve the problem together.»
Explosive anger: «A valuable learning process»
When worried parents approach her and complain about individual explosive children, she tries to reassure the mums and dads and at the same time show understanding: «I then say, for example: Yes, we know that this situation is difficult for the whole group. We work intensively with the child on emotional regulation and hope that things will get better fairly quickly. For you as parents, it is very important that this child is in the group. Your own child will learn how to deal with such situations. It's a valuable learning process for the whole group.»
At home, we can also encourage children to deal with emotions by teaching them that all feelings are normal and have their justification. To do this, we can reflect our children's emotions back to them: «You'd really like to stay, wouldn't you? It's always a bit sad to say goodbye», «Actually, you'd like to play along, wouldn't you? But maybe you're a bit scared to go and ask?», «You're really beaming! Are you proud that you did this on your own?».
In addition, we can look back on challenging situations in quiet moments and think together with the child about how they could react next time. In this way, they gradually discover what helps them in their fear, anger or disappointment. Support? A hug? Stomping and shouting stop? Breathe deeply into their tummy? Cuddle their favourite cuddly toy? Tell someone about the situation or draw it?
Patience is needed to deal well with emotions
The path to constructively dealing with one's own feelings takes many years. Remedial teacher Manuela Flütsch points out: "It's always important to me to find solutions that appeal to the child in question, suit them and protect them in kindergarten just as much as the rest of the group and the teacher.
Some children are calmed by an object from home, others are helped by an object that reminds them of themselves, such as a bracelet to calm them down. Personally, I often use magic symbols such as Viking runes, which I draw on the children's wrists, or olfactory pens, which the younger children connect and weave into a story about being angry and calming down."
It helps shy children if they are allowed to observe a group from a distance at first.
However, kindergarten is not only a particular challenge for impulsive children who are overwhelmed by their feelings, but also for shy children. Reserved children often find it difficult to feel comfortable in larger groups and to find new playmates. If you put pressure on them and try to force them to approach others or ask if they can join in, for example, their insecurity will only increase. It helps shy children if they are allowed to observe what is happening in the group from a distance at first.
Tips for parents with a shy child
This opportunity should also be offered in kindergarten, as kindergarten teacher Andrea Elsener emphasises: «Having trust in the child is very important. I remember a girl who just stood and watched in the group for weeks on end. I occasionally said to her: «I think it's great how long you can watch. Fortunately, we also let you watch. You alone decide when you want to choose something.» At some point, as if out of nowhere, the girl actually did one task after the other, and she carried them out with an intensity that I rarely see.»
As the mother or father of a shy child, you can try to be patient and make it easier to make contact here and there: for example, you can point out things your child has in common with other children in the playground, give them exciting toys for several children such as balls or water pistols or small snacks to share so that they can socialise more easily.
Perhaps you start a game with your child, gradually invite other children to join in and then withdraw again. Perhaps sit down between the two quarrelling children, take a deep breath together and discuss the incident in a calm tone: «What's going on? How are you feeling right now? ... And how are you? ... I see, you're angry because you wanted to ... - and you're angry because you wanted to .... What can you do to solve the problem / so that you feel better and can play together again?»
