How to support your child in dealing with feelings

Leon comes home, slams his schoolbag in the corner and shouts: «Yuri is so mean! He said I could go to the zoo this afternoon and now he's taking Samuel with him!» Feet stomping, doors slamming. Leon's mum sighs. Spaghetti water is bubbling on the hob and his little brother is shouting in the nursery - torn from his nap by Leon's screaming.

Every day, we are busy keeping our inner world of emotions in check so that we can convey them appropriately to the outside world. Adults usually manage this quite well: we have learnt to regulate our emotions and behave in a way that is appropriate to the social context. This happens quite automatically.

The competent handling of emotions is linked to brain development.

We often only realise how much energy this self-regulation actually costs us when we are tired, stressed or hungry. Then it can happen that we no longer react with the patience of a saint when the child whines for the third time that they absolutely have to have that chocolate bar at the supermarket checkout or doesn't want to go to bed at night.

Dealing with emotions linked to the brain

It takes effort for our brain to suppress inappropriate reactions and to use successful strategies to deal with feelings in such a way that we feel emotionally balanced - not eating too much into ourselves - and at the same time behave in a socially adapted way - not shouting at anyone.

The ability to deal competently with emotions is linked to brain development. Initially, a child in infancy is dependent on external regulation, for example on its parents to calm it down when it cries.

It is only over time that children learn to regulate their emotions, calm down, distract themselves and solve a problem themselves. This is because this ability is primarily based on the so-called executive functions, which develop in phases during pre-school age and then again in adolescence. These are the mental functions with which people can control their own behaviour.

A child who is ready for school is able to concentrate for a longer period of time, block out irrelevant environmental stimuli and focus their attention on the task at hand. Memory performance also improves enormously at this age, so that schoolchildren are already able to memorise more complex tasks much better than was the case in kindergarten.

The ability to control behaviour develops in phases during pre-school and adolescence.

However, tasks that are emotionally challenging can only be successfully solved in adolescence. For example, seven-year-old Leon still finds it difficult to control his behaviour in an argument. The reason for this is that two systems are not connected at this age: One is responsible for controlling actions - the other for emotional reactions.

The brain structures that are important for emotional reactions develop earlier than the parts of the brain that underlie the control of actions, the suppression of impulses, attention and memory. The two systems only connect in the course of childhood and gradually allow stimuli to be processed together and thus also to be able to control an impulse to act in emotional situations.

Learning to regulate your own feelings

Children and adolescents act impulsively, even if they are already aware outside of an emotional situation that such behaviour is not appropriate. The reason for this lies in the immature behavioural control of the forebrain.

It takes time and practice to develop the ability to suppress impulses to act and develop goal-oriented behaviour. In addition, the demands placed on children and young people by their environment are becoming increasingly complex.

It would be counterproductive to repeatedly avoid challenging situations.

However, more complex tasks also require more complex strategies to manage emotions and control impulses to act. Such strategies are sometimes more and sometimes less helpful. For example, it would be counterproductive to always avoid certain situations: It is only by experiencing different, sometimes challenging situations that we can practise dealing with feelings and impulses to act.

A step-by-step approach can therefore help to learn to regulate feelings and impulses to act. In a situation that is difficult for the child or young person, it can be helpful to turn their attention away from the source of frustration, for example the argument, and focus on something positive or to withdraw from the situation - to turn away, leave the room and calm down in another place.

In particularly emotional situations, adults may need to instruct children and young people so that they can distract themselves and calm down. Promising strategies also include accepting or actively changing a condition. Both strategies need to be tried out and learnt and can only be expected of a child at an advanced age.

Adults serve as role models

The child's environment can support the learning of the ability to regulate emotions . Parents, teachers, siblings and caregivers serve as models that the child imitates. On the one hand, children copy the corresponding behaviour of their models in dealing with emotions, and on the other hand, they learn from the reactions of their peers to their own emotions.

Children who lack strategies for dealing with emotions are often tense, easily irritable and quickly frustrated.

Children who lack successful strategies for dealing with emotions are unable to calm down in difficult situations, are often tense, easily irritable and frustrated. The inability to regulate their own emotions makes it difficult for children to socialise at school and at home. Children can be aggressive and quick-tempered or anxious and depressed.

A conscious discussion of this topic within the family, but also in kindergartens and schools, is therefore important in order to prevent such problems (see tips at the end of this article).

In everyday life, there are plenty of opportunities to playfully train the ability to recognise and regulate emotions correctly, for example with card and board games, with games such as «I'm packing my suitcase ...» or the stop dance.

For many children, it is a great challenge to express the emotions experienced in the game appropriately. This can be both the exuberant joy of the winner and the extreme frustration and anger of the loser, who would prefer to sweep the board off the table.

Such moments can be used to discuss counterproductive reactions and practise new strategies, thereby encouraging children to continue playing together and control their actions. Only by actively experiencing such feelings and practising in a safe environment can the child acquire helpful strategies for regulating their emotions and become the master of their own feelings through targeted action control.