How to set sensible boundaries for children

The third bowl of ice cream, the fourth bag of sherbet, another hour at the computer, and inviting a friend round for her birthday, even though the party is already full. «Children are like liquids, they spread until they meet resistance,» the Zurich author Andrea Fischer Schulthess once said. Yes, adolescents want to try out how far their radius extends.

They learn what works and what doesn't. This is important if they are to develop further, become independent and gradually find their way in our complex world. It is the job of mums and dads to take responsibility alongside their children - which means, among other things, setting rules and setting boundaries.

Children want to try out how far their radius extends. They learn what works and what doesn't.

These are not new findings, but a lot has changed in this respect and «stop signs» have shifted in recent decades: The passing on of social values such as obedience, duty and behaviour are no longer at the centre of education.

They were the cornerstones of a pedagogy that equated setting limits with restriction, parental power, control and punishment.

Around 100 years ago, this authoritarian parenting style was widespread and most children were brought up strictly, without any say. This had many negative effects on the adolescents, as the generalised, strict rules and guidelines meant that the children's individuality and self-esteem suffered.

Anti-authoritarian education, also known as laissez-faire education, followed as a counter-movement at the end of the 1960s. Children should make their own decisions free from rigid constraints and follow their own wishes and needs.

Parents who took this approach largely dispensed with rules and boundaries, instead focussing on self-determination and freedom of choice. "But if adolescents have to make too many decisions too early, it overwhelms them.

This makes it harder for children to find their way in the world," says psychologist and author Eskil Burck. So how do parents set sensible boundaries without restricting their children too much in their individual development?

Many experts now agree that the democratic, authoritative management style has proven to be a good middle way between anti-authoritarian and authoritarian methods. "This can create a balance between freedom and boundaries, between rights and responsibilities.

We would have to set boundaries, rename them to create free space.

Daniela Melone, Parental Education Switzerland

And with a balanced approach of guidance, recognition and encouragement as well as rules, coupled with care, love, appreciation and support," says Burck.

The children's needs and feelings are respected, but at the same time they learn clear boundaries. Instead of strict parenting, the focus is on benevolent support and co-operation.

Take the lead and show what is important in life

«Setting boundaries creates a framework in which the child can try things out and have their own experiences,» says Daniela Melone, Managing Director of Elternbildung Schweiz. «It's a guide that offers orientation. We should actually set boundaries, rename them, create space.»

Parents take the lead and show what is important in life, especially in social interaction. For example: We let each other talk. We don't hurt each other. We don't lie and we take responsibility for our mistakes. Everyone has an area of responsibility for which they take ownership. And much more.

There are numerous studies that show that a democratic parenting style is associated with fewer behavioural problems, fewer psychological problems and better school performance compared to authoritarian and anti-authoritarian parenting styles.

According to Burck, the results of a meta-analysis published in 2018 by psychologist Martin Pinquart, Dean at the Philipps University of Marburg, and his colleague Rubina Kauser, a psychologist, pointed to this.

The two researchers analysed 428 studies in which almost 350,000 test subjects took part. The aim was to scrutinise parenting styles around the world.

The results showed, among other things, that the love factor is more important for good child development than the guidance factor.

The conclusion: A compliant parenting style, characterised by little guidance but a lot of love, is less problematic than an authoritarian parenting style with a lot of guidance and little love.

A compliant parenting style characterised by love is less problematic than an authoritarian parenting style.

By far the greatest problems occurred with the neglectful parenting style, which is characterised neither by love nor by guidance, according to the researchers' findings.

But what if you have had an authoritarian upbringing yourself, but want to do things differently for your own children? «It has been shown that parents can retrain well,» explains Burck. "There are successful training courses for mums and dads to practise a democratic parenting style.

The result was that the children's behavioural and psychological problems decreased. This made it clear that there is a causal relationship between parenting methods and children's behaviour."

Democratic education: it's the inner attitude that counts

In the democratic parenting style, boundaries are set that follow the inner attitude: To do this, mum and dad need to know what is okay for them and what is not in order to exude confidence and appear confident.

That sounds easier than it often is in the turbulent everyday family life. But it is worthwhile, for example, not reacting immediately to every request or demand from your children, says educational psychologist and youth coach Sarah Zanoni, who has her own practice in Aarau and Rheinfelden.

Explain to your child why you are sticking to this limit. And do so calmly, clearly and firmly, without constantly repeating yourself.

Sarah Zanoni

It's often worth asking for time to think things over until you know where you really stand on an issue. Along the lines of: I don't know yet whether you can stay over at your girlfriend's tonight. I'll have to think about it first and let you know later.

You should also focus on appreciative communication, formulate goals as positively as possible and briefly explain your own attitude. Instead of «Don't pull the cable!», it's better to say: «Please let go of the cable, I don't want the lamp to break!» The inner attitude also becomes clearer through «I» messages.

Research shows that children's learning processes are also more successful if only a few goals are pursued. If one thing works well, they move on to the next step.

«I always advise parents on this topic: explain to your child why you are sticking to this boundary. And do so calmly, clearly and firmly, without constantly repeating yourself,» says Sarah Zanoni. «If you repeat yourself too much, warn too much, you lose credibility.»

Showing consequences instead of making threats

However, if rules are not adhered to and boundaries are not respected, parents should behave consistently and show children the consequences in a credible manner. If the child dawdles around in the morning, the threat «Then I'll leave without you» is pointless, as this is highly unlikely to happen.

When children know that parents set boundaries out of affection, they feel held.

Children should learn that they benefit from co-operating with their mother and father. So: «If you put your shoes on now, we can still watch the moving model railway in the shop window, but if it takes a long time, it won't work.»

And: Parents should consider the consequences of certain behaviour beforehand, because under stress many react in a way that they later regret.

For parental announcements to be effective, they should be made as soon as possible after and in connection with the child's behaviour. It is important not to demonstrate your own position of power, but to make your inner stance clear and stick to it.

«From a research perspective, consistency is one of the most important cornerstones,» says Burck. "It is then clear and unambiguous which behaviour is allowed and which is not. This can prevent many nerve-wracking fights.

In this respect, it would be ideal - even if you are already at the end of your tether - to still insist that basic rules of behaviour are observed. Otherwise you'll have the same problems tomorrow in double and triple form. Along the lines of: «But you allowed it yesterday too.»

If mum or dad is tired and stressed, they won't always be able to say no or stick to saying no. If you feel tired, you should talk about it. Like: "I'm just far too exhausted to discuss this with you right now.

I've had an extremely exhausting day. We'll talk about it tomorrow," advises Burck. And this has the following advantages: "Firstly, consistent parenting behaviour has not been abandoned, but merely postponed.

Secondly, the parents communicate that they only tolerate this behaviour because they are not feeling well at the moment. However, there is no actual shift in boundaries. Thirdly, in some cases, even if it is the exception rather than the rule, a child does show understanding and desists from their behaviour.

Sometimes there is not enough strength to be consistent

For Zanoni, it is legitimate not to fulfil parenting expectations at all times: «Parents are not parenting robots and the child will not develop worse or better if there is not enough strength to be consistent. It's more important to make sure that mum or dad can relax.»

Rules need to be set according to age and constantly adapted. «Boundaries are constantly being reset because children are developing and need new guidelines within which to move,» says Zanoni.

"If parents are attentive, they can observe whether a newly set boundary fits or whether it has been set a little too narrow or even opened too wide. Or whether there are too many restrictions, because too many boundaries hinder self-confidence. If everything is regulated and limited from the outside, a feeling of entrenched dependency arises.

Adolescents have to make their own, albeit sometimes painful, experiences and learn from them. It is important that they are supported and lovingly accompanied." When children and young people know and feel that adults set boundaries out of affection and not arbitrarily, the girls and boys feel held.

This certainty continues even when they resist parental boundaries. Despite everything, it is good for them to feel that the adult has good reasons for this decision and means well with me, even if I don't like the decision at the moment.

Learning to deal with anger and aggression

Children can become angry and aggressive if they are not allowed and given what they want. Mum is called the stupidest mother in the world or even punched. «Feelings like frustration and anger are normal,» says psychotherapist Annette Cina from Freiburg. «They express: "But I don't want to!» That's allowed.

Even if such angry and aggressive reactions shock the parents, they can always trust that they are important to the children. The statement «I hate you!» is an expression of frustration, not of the relationship."

As such a sentence is uttered in a tense, highly emotional situation, it should be avoided if possible. The situation is different with punches or kicks: "Here, the mother and father should react and stop the behaviour.

Calmly and firmly instruct the child to stop and, if necessary, create a physical distance between you and the child. The purpose of physical distance is to give the girl or boy the opportunity to calm down.

Because in situations characterised by strong negative feelings, adolescents are not receptive and arguing and scolding unnecessarily prolongs the tense situation," says Cina.

«The basis for successful parenting behaviour,» continues Cina, "is a strong basic trust. It is one of the cornerstones of a good parent-child relationship. It is also important to show genuine interest in the child's world, to talk to them using positive facial expressions and gestures and to offer physical contact.

Parents should also make time when the child needs it and be present. This signals: I'm there for you!"

Rules create clarity and relief and take more pressure off children and parents alike.

Things can get complicated when different educational approaches come together. This is often the case in patchwork families: «These complex families need particularly skilful and clear rules,» says psychologist and author Peter Angst.

"There are two systems, which on the one hand have to take into account what has been brought along and on the other hand should give the new individual rules.

Patchwork families need to realise this. Unfortunately, people like to cheat at first. Out of sheer love, differences are disregarded and new dads and mums are put on the children too quickly, which inevitably causes resistance."

A particular challenge for single parents

Single parents are also very challenged, as they are often overburdened in everyday life as solo parents, after all, the responsibility usually rests on their shoulders alone.

Even if it is difficult with all the tasks to be mastered, it is important to set limits and stick to them so as not to exhaust yourself even more.

The following will have happened to some mums and dads: In the hallway or on the street, your daughter or son is about to disobey an agreement and suddenly someone makes an unsolicited comment: «Well, if that were my child!» Sometimes adults interfere in family matters with comments or advice, which is absolutely annoying.

«Outsiders should stay out of it,» says Cina, «because they see a conflict in the current situation, cannot assess how often this behaviour is shown and whether it is a habit. What's more, unwanted advice doesn't help, it just tells the person being counselled that they should do things differently - and since they're not doing that, they're actually incapable.»

It is necessary to protect oneself against such attacks by sticking to what is important at the time. In other words, maintain your own attitude, regardless of what others say or think about it. «Because the educational attitude is a conscious decision,» says Cina, «based on what the child needs to learn at the moment.»

There can also be plenty of fuel for the fire within your own family if grandparents, your divorced partner or other close carers not only believe they know everything better, but also allow exactly what you yourself forbid.

Firstly, it is worth trying to talk to them and explain what is worrying them. «If this doesn't work, and this is often the case because different parenting goals are being pursued,» says Annette Cina, "the parent concerned should let go.

The person who is with the children bears the responsibility. And the corresponding, usually different rules apply there. At home, the rules of behaviour remain the same, and children can easily distinguish who is allowed to do what and how they should behave accordingly."

So if you set boundaries, you have a goal in mind and set off on your journey. The steps are well thought out and planned, there may be detours, diversions and dead ends. Ultimately, rules create clarity and relief and relieve children and parents more than they burden them.

Another thing: adolescents also learn from their mum and dad how they can and should set boundaries and say stop to others as they get older. Remembering this may help some mums and dads a little when the going gets tough again.