How to practise bearing frustration with children
A child has recurring tantrums, at home and sometimes at school. How can we get this under control? A familiar question for many parents and teachers. And a major challenge. It is clear that it is not you as parents who should get to grips with this, but your son or daughter themselves. But of course you, dear parents, and we teachers have to help the child with this.
All feelings, including negative ones such as anger and rage, are justified.
This requires, firstly, a basic attitude that conflicts should be resolved without violence and, secondly, a non-judgemental understanding of how anger arises. All feelings, including negative ones such as anger and rage, are justified. But the form in which they are expressed should be civilised and fair. You can and must learn this.
When should children be able to tolerate frustration?
Many children find it very difficult to cope with criticism and failure. They react with anger and aggression if their own needs and wishes are not suddenly fulfilled. They can't stand having to wait or being disappointed every now and then because they can't get what they want. This is part of the normal development process in infancy.
By the time they start primary school, however, every child should have built up a certain level of frustration tolerance. For some children, this happens all by itself, while others need more support on their way to a more «mature» way of dealing with frustration.
If this development does not take place, for example because parents do not want to disappoint their child out of misguided concern, this has a devastating effect on the child.
What is frustration tolerance? It is the ability to deal with disappointment. Alongside other skills such as relationship and conflict skills or empathy, it is part of emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence means being able to recognise your feelings without being overwhelmed by them. And that you can also recognise and respect the feelings of others.
How does low frustration tolerance manifest itself?
Clearing the table, tidying the room, practising the flute? «Not in the mood.» If parents repeatedly give in to this kind of behaviour for the sake of harmony or constantly get caught up in endless discussions, it can become problematic.
This teaches the child that their stubborn behaviour is successful. How is he supposed to know that similar behaviour later at school promises less success and that he cannot expect the same parental leniency from his classmates and teachers?
Parenting is not about sparing a child disappointment.
A lack of frustration tolerance often also manifests itself in contact with other children. Those affected enjoy playing with neighbours' children and friends, but only as long as everything goes according to their wishes.
If this is not the case, they quickly react aggressively and angrily. They perceive the non-fulfilment of their wishes as such an imposition that they are unable to behave in any other way.
At school, these children are constantly interrupting because they didn't learn at a young age that they can't simply interrupt someone, but have to wait their turn. And because this antisocial behaviour only brings them discredit from teachers and classmates, many of the children concerned play the class clown. As a result, the situation continues to deteriorate.
- Give your child tasks such as clearing the table or folding laundry. This work must be done before your child is allowed to play. Do not respond to repeated complaints.
- Don't fulfil your child's every wish immediately, just once or twice a week an ice cream or a little something from the supermarket. Larger toy requests should not be fulfilled immediately. Refer to Christmas or the next birthday.
- Play board games with your child and let them lose. Changing the rules out of pity or expecting the older brother to let the quickly frustrated child win won't help.
4 Praise and reward your child's positive behaviour. Many children find a visual system helpful, for example a star or smiley calendar. It is important to explain exactly which behaviour leads to an asterisk and when the first target for a reward has been reached.
5. take your child's feeling behind the «freaking out» seriously. Recognise the feeling and explain that negative feelings are part of life. At the same time, you must make it clear that the misbehaviour shown is not acceptable. Point out alternatives.
Supporting children in their emotional learning is a challenge for parents and teachers. Let us realise that education is not about sparing a child disappointments. These are part of life.
Parents can teach children how to deal positively with mistakes and defeats primarily by being a good role model. Because children want to grow up, and they want to be big like their parents. They observe closely how their parents behave. So education is above all self-education.
Finally, I wish you at home and us teachers in everyday school life a lot of perseverance in accompanying children who need more support with their emotional learning. Even though I know the above points only too well and try to implement them consistently, I still find myself in situations that demand a lot from me. Being a routine role model often works, but not in every case.
