«How should I react if my girlfriend cuts herself?»

«Why don't you ask Sarah?»

My friend has several scratch marks on her arm that look as if she had cut herself with a knife. When I discovered this, she quickly pulled her sleeve over it. How can I help her? I feel really sorry for her. I know it's not easy for her at home.
Chiara, 14 years old

Dear Chiara
I think it's great that you are so attentive to your girlfriend. You could tell from her reaction that there really is something there. It's called «scratching» and is one of the self-harming behaviours.

Some teenagers - usually girls - who are under a lot of pressure and are plagued by major worries start to scratch themselves. It may sound paradoxical, but this self-harm provides them with a brief moment of relief. It's not about simply hurting themselves more. But the pain that occurs as soon as the skin is scratched is more pleasant than having to endure all the internal pressure.

Imagine you are cooking potatoes in a pressure cooker. As the temperature rises, the pressure becomes so high that the valve starts to whistle. This is the signal that indicates that the pressure has reached its maximum. In addition, some steam now escapes - if the valve were unable to release any air, the pot would explode at some point. Of course, you quickly turn down the hob to release the pressure.

That's exactly how it feels for your girlfriend. Unfortunately, she doesn't have any other outlet to vent at the moment. The psychological pressure is very unpleasant and she probably feels completely desperate at times.

The best thing you can give your girlfriend is a sympathetic ear.

So what can you do to help your girlfriend? Talk to her about it - as if it were the most normal thing in the world. For example: «Hey, I've seen you scratching yourself. Is there anything I can do to help? Would you like to talk about your worries?»

By approaching her in this way, you are showing her that you have recognised her problem without making a drama out of it. I think that's important, because otherwise she might withdraw again.

And as soon as she opens up to you, you can listen to her. That's the best thing you can give her: a sympathetic ear. Then you can consider together whether she would like to seek professional support. She should definitely be able to talk to someone about her stress, fears and needs so that her pressure is reduced and she no longer has to scratch herself. She obviously can't do this at home, so she should seek external help. Therapy would make sense, then she would feel better again after a while.

A first point of contact could be the school social worker at your school. This person is bound by confidentiality. This means that nobody would find out about it if your girlfriend doesn't want to. Why don't you offer to accompany her there? It's often helpful if you don't have to take the first step alone.

Despite all the friendship between you, I ask that you also look after yourself. Talk to your parents or someone you trust so that the whole thing doesn't suddenly become a huge burden for you.

Remember: only let other people's problems and worries get to you a little and protect yourself from being overwhelmed by them. But you can always be empathetic, helpful and attentive to someone and that's what true friendship is all about!