«My mother keeps threatening to commit suicide.»

«Ask Sarah»

My parents argue all the time and it's already clear that they're getting divorced. I'm afraid that I won't see one of my parents anymore and that we'll lose contact. My father wants to move out, and the only reason he hasn't yet is because of me and my two sisters. Since my parents have been arguing so much, I sometimes cut my ankles. My mother has also said several times in various ways that she wants to commit suicide.
Maya, 13

Dear Maya,
You're in a pretty tough situation at home – I'm really sorry to hear that!
All the things you describe here are a big issue in themselves: your parents' arguments, the likely separation or divorce, your self-harm with your ankles, and then the fear that your mother no longer wants to live.

You and your sisters must be going through a lot. I'm really glad that you want to get help. It would be best to talk to other adults you trust. For example, your teacher or someone in your family, such as a godmother or godfather? Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone outside the family who is neutral about such issues.

For example, there is the school social worker at your school. You could go there and tell them everything. They are bound by confidentiality and can advise you or work with you to find solutions. Confidentiality means that they can only share what you tell them with your consent. They could then talk to your parents and explain how serious your concerns are.

Some parents think that divorce is the worst thing that can happen. But children suffer much more when they have to grow up in the midst of their parents' disputes.

The suffering of children

Many parents who are facing separation or simply have a lot of conflicts are often completely unaware that their children are suffering greatly as a result. Every argument creates a terrible atmosphere at home, and as a child, you notice this immediately, even if it doesn't get really loud.

Sometimes parents simply cannot bring themselves to end the relationship. They endure the situation for much longer than is healthy and bearable for their children. Some believe that divorce would be the worst thing that could happen to their children and that they should not take this step. However, the truth is that children suffer much more when they have to grow up in the midst of their parents' conflict.

Because you and your sisters also need a home where you can simply be at peace. Where you can have fun, take care of things like school, friends and hobbies, or just chill out.

Cutting your ankles is a huge red flag

You write that you sometimes cut your ankles. That is a huge warning sign that things are not going well for you at home. You couldn't show any more clearly that you can't take it anymore. The pressure becomes so great that you can't take it anymore and just want it to end. Cutting your skin until it bleeds brings instant relief because the unbearable pressure suddenly disappears. I wrote about this in an earlier column.

I can really understand that it often all becomes too much for you. But I beg you: get help immediately if the situation escalates again. You can call Pro Juventute on 147 at any time (day or night). A specialist will take care of you immediately and talk to you on the phone until you feel a little better.

Please have the courage to tell your mother how much you fear losing her.

This emergency service is also available for adults: you can call 143 and get help. This number is called the «Dargebotene Hand» (Helping Hand) and is also available around the clock. Perhaps you could tell your mum about it and ask her to get help if she is feeling down.

Fear for one's mother

Please dare to tell her how much you are afraid of losing her. I think it would help her to realise that you and your sisters still need her as a mother for a very long time. Maybe she only said she didn't want to live anymore or wanted to hurt herself out of anger, disappointment or sadness. Of course, you should always take such statements seriously. But they are often an expression of the person feeling overwhelmed at that moment.

I think it's extremely important that your mother knows how much fear she has caused you. Then she can reassure you that she would never really do something like that. Or she could seek help from a therapist or doctor.

Contact after a break-up

Now I would like to say something about contact between you and your parents if they do end up living apart. I work with many children and young people whose parents live apart and are divorced.

In any case, it is possible to find a good solution for you: you will always be able to see your mum and dad and stay in touch if you want to. No matter who you end up living with.

I know lots of children who are really excited when they go to visit their mum or dad. That's because their parent is also looking forward to seeing them and they get to spend some quality time together. Trust that both your parents love you and your sisters. They both want the best for you. And that's why I'm sure there will be a good solution!