How parents can get closer again as a couple

In our time as parents, we often saved money at the wrong end, namely on ourselves. We forgot about gratitude for each other like we forgot the costume for the carnival event in kindergarten. And with all the bedtime stories we've read over the last few years, it's not uncommon for passion to nod off for a moment.

She was more tired than before: «Today I'm wearing nothing for you except dark circles under my eyes,» writes family therapist Romy Winter on Instagram, speaking to many parents from the soul.

What about your love? Do you still have real encounters or are you just pushing children and tasks back and forth? How close do you feel to your partner? When was the last time you had a deep and personal dialogue instead of dealing with everyday stuff?

Studies show that although having children together strengthens partnerships, it massively reduces relationship satisfaction. «The newer the study, the stronger the effects,» says Professor Guy Bodenmann from the University of Zurich.

Why is it so challenging for couples to maintain emotional warmth when children are around? You have less time for yourself and for each other, you may become strangers, the needs of the child take centre stage and you may have less strength to support each other.

Instead of getting involved with your partner, you're busy taking stock: Am I getting enough? Where are my needs?

We know we should organise a date night again, take up a new hobby together, arrange to have sex several times a week. The relationship must be worth it to us! But especially in turbulent phases, such demands can become another item on the mental to-do list, causing stress and dissatisfaction.

Parents become more selfish under stress

«Do I actually have to take care of everything here?», «She's always nagging, she doesn't leave a good hair on my head anymore», «You don't have to give me that now! I really have enough to do already.»

When we are under pressure, we focus on ourselves - our empathy suffers. Instead of engaging with our partner, we are suddenly busy taking stock internally: Am I getting enough? What about me? What place do my needs have?

The partnership suddenly feels like a competitive battle, with people fighting over scarce resources. Both are preoccupied with the feeling that they are missing out - and want to get the other to give in.

At such times, it is helpful to consciously focus on the «we». Studies show that happier couples often see their relationship as a third entity that they have to take care of together. Instead of asking themselves what they can get out of the relationship for themselves, these couples ask themselves what they can contribute to the relationship together to keep it healthy and alive.

Relationships thrive on small gestures of love

But how do you look after each other in stressful times? When everyday life is very busy, loving touches quickly diminish: you're already at work and give each other a quick kiss on the cheek. You're standing at the cooker and wave briefly when your partner comes in, but you don't really look at each other any more.

Even small, mindful touches reduce stress and anger and lead to more affection, trust and gratitude.

It's amazing how much closer couples feel when they take time for conscious physical contact here and there: A long hug before leaving the house, holding hands again, stroking each other's faces. If you're already thinking that you don't have time for this: We're talking about 5 to 20 seconds. Even small, mindful touches reduce stress and anger and lead to more affection, trust and gratitude.

We can also consciously cultivate gratitude by asking ourselves: Why is it nice and good that the other person is in our lives? What does he or she contribute to the family? Which phases did we get through better because this person was by our side? What have we learnt from them?

If we become more aware of what we have in the other person, recognise their contribution more strongly and report it back, the satisfaction of the whole family increases almost automatically. And if we have to criticise or make a demand, our counterpart is more likely to respond to it in a climate of gratitude than if they believe they «can never please us anyway».

Under stress, we imperceptibly start to assume that our fellow human beings have bad intentions. We can actively counteract this. Do you sometimes catch yourself thinking that your partner deliberately disregards your feelings, doesn't take enough care of the children or the household, doesn't take the relationship seriously?

It's worthwhile for couples to talk about the moments when they feel particularly loved and seen by the other person.

Let's do a little thought experiment at this point. Think about it: «Let's assume that my partner cares about our relationship, wants to fulfil her role as a parent and wants to contribute to family life - what do I see?» You may come to the conclusion that your partner actually does a lot for the family. But maybe it's not what you want most and you use this realisation as an opportunity to talk about it and renegotiate areas of responsibility.

Sometimes both partners put a lot of effort into the relationship, but are still dissatisfied. Perhaps because what you want does not match what the other person gives. The American couples counsellor Gary Chapman speaks of different love languages.

For example, some people feel loved when they receive praise and recognition, others react strongly to physical affection, others to time together as a couple, helpfulness in everyday life or gifts and attention. It is a valuable investment in the couple's relationship if you talk about the moments when you feel particularly loved and recognised by the other person.

Back to the beginnings

Couples often become closer again when they remember their early days together. Couples therapists like to hear about the phase of falling in love: How did the couple meet? What attracted and fascinated them about each other? When did they realise that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together? What made them feel secure? Which moments in the relationship do you remember most fondly? Perhaps you would like to tell your love story to your children instead of the couple's therapist.