How does patchwork work? 10 questions and answers
How can conflicts be avoided when two households become one?
Not at all. Conflicts highlight different attitudes, values and standards. These differences are particularly visible in the children. The conflicts themselves have nothing to do with these, but rather with different family traditions. It helps to talk openly about role models, parenting styles or lifestyle habits so that it becomes clear which principles are important to whom. To make boundaries clear and protect privacy, door signs or agreements about how to deal with other people's rooms are also helpful, at least at the beginning.
What makes it easier for children to get started as a patchwork family?
Every family has its own rituals, be it reading aloud in the evening or watching TV together. Children should be able to take as many of these rituals as possible from the old family into the new one. The idea that a «real» family does everything together is problematic. It jeopardises the bond with the mother or father and makes it difficult to build a relationship with the stepparent. Children need regular, exclusive time with their biological parent. It is also important for their well-being that the parent living away from them is involved: If they are left out, this can create or intensify conflicts of loyalty.
How can the relationship with the stepchild be successful?
Above all, it needs time. So don't force things - not even as a biological parent who hopes that the child will also love their partner. They need to know: The stepparent is a partner of mum or dad, but not a surrogate mother or father. It helps if stepparents approach the child with interest, make their skills available to the child, in short, offer themselves as a carer, but without imposing themselves.
Stepparents can and should make their boundaries clear, both to their partner and to their stepchildren.
Thomas Hess
Teenagers in particular may not be interested in a closer relationship, and this is something that needs to be accepted. Likewise, stepparents should refrain from wanting to do everything right. They can and should make their boundaries clear, both to their partner and to the stepchildren. In the event of disagreements, you should not remain silent for the sake of peace, but risk conflict.
Why does a child reject its stepparent?
Children are like seismographs when it comes to parental ambivalence. A child may sense the father's insecurity about fully committing to the new relationship. By rejecting the new partner, the child puts the brakes on the intensification of the romantic relationship. Or the child may want to point out this shortcoming out of loyalty to the separated parent, who is not involved enough. In adolescents, general rejection of everything to do with their parents can be the sole cause of this or can be added to other factors.
How can you make it easier for your partner to be a stepparent?
By trusting him to do his job well and not interfering straight away - even in the event of conflicts. Experience has shown that fathers find this easier, whereas mothers often feel that their partner has to fulfil his role as a stepfather according to their expectations. If they then watch him with suspicious eyes to see whether he is living up to these expectations, this results in a power lever that children use in their favour.
Compliance is poison: children have a right to guidance that gives them a sense of security.
Ria Eugster
What I also often see is that parents have a guilty conscience because of the new situation and become overly lenient towards the children. A guilty conscience is poison: children have a right to guidance that gives them a sense of security.
How do you ensure that nobody misses out?
The same amount of everything for everyone: that doesn't work in a patchwork family. Often not everyone has the same living situation. Some of the children live in the household permanently, others on a daily basis. This requires more careful planning when it comes to joint activities. Nevertheless, every now and then a child will feel left out because they couldn't be there.
You can't always do justice to everyone involved, but you can try to strike a balance.
Rita Eugster
Or children who are permanently in the household will grumble because they have to help out more than those who only come on a daily basis. Similarly, a father who only sees his children at the weekend will want to spend more time with them and his partner will have to take a back seat. You can't always please everyone involved, but you can try to strike a balance.
What if patchwork partners have different parenting ideas?
When it comes to basic values and questions concerning the child's future, parenting is a matter for the biological parents. If the partner treats their children differently, this must be accepted. However, it is important to stay in dialogue, whether in the event of conflicts or in an effort to find common guidelines. This is because the patchwork partners share responsibility for a household and cannot avoid occasionally handing over the supervision of their own children to the other - in which case the other's everyday rules apply. When parenting views diverge greatly, children often realise before the adults that they cannot bridge their differences. Some then oppose each other so strongly that a couple has to cancel their move together.
Can a stepparent criticise their partner's parenting behaviour?
Criticism is not difficult per se, on the contrary, it has development potential for the patchwork situation. If the couple communicate in an appreciative way, the critical and distanced view of the stepparent can be helpful and initiate changes that the biological parent would not have expected of the child out of «blind» love. However, criticism often also implies a devaluation of the child or the partner. For example, if a stepfather feels put down because his partner is an overprotective mother, he may unconsciously fall into the competition trap and the real discussion is no longer about the child, but about the stepparent's need to be seen - or about the mother's feelings of guilt, which may be behind the overprotection.
What helps patchwork couples to maintain their love?
Patchwork couples have to accept what lovers find hard to accept: that you will never be the other person's first priority in every respect. The children and the ex were there before. What helps? Self-care! The need for exclusive time with my loved one, appreciation for the care work I have done and recognition of my feelings is right - I am primarily responsible for this myself. So my advice is to find out what you need and keep talking about it. Take care of yourself and don't shy away from negotiations. That way, love won't be jeopardised.
What should patchwork couples bear in mind when they have a child together?
The experience of seeing your own child come into the world is overwhelming. One of the two partners may be experiencing this for the first time - their love for the stepchildren is therefore forced to take a back seat. This is normal. But it is important that the stepparent is aware of this fact and also makes time to nurture the relationship with the stepchildren. Children also need their biological parent, who has become a mum or dad again, to be on their own from time to time - without the little one attached. This doesn't have to be a day trip, a walk together is also valuable exclusive time.
