How does a good father-daughter relationship work?

Lisa's father was charming, eloquent and self-confident. Sometimes a little demanding. He tackled things and involved his daughter in many things. «Dad and I did a lot of work together. He showed me early on how to repair things or build something new,» she remembers.

You can tell how much Lisa adores her father when she talks about him. Lisa still enjoys building and tinkering today and has become an independent woman who has set up her own business. However, she had to search long and hard for a partner who could hold a candle to her father.

Alexandra, on the other hand, had an authoritarian father. He always expected obedience. «At mealtimes, he always forced me to stay seated until I had finished eating. That was terrible,» she says. The man she started a family with is the exact opposite - empathetic and loving.

For many girls, their father is something like their first love. The first emotional bond with the opposite sex.

Margrit Stamm, educational scientist

Christina, on the other hand, looked up to her father even as a little girl, even though he left the family at an early age. «He's a real manager type, he built up a big company. That always impressed me,» says the young woman, who has had a successful career herself. She describes her partner as a «doer», something she really appreciates about him. He gets things done and solves problems quickly. Just like her father.

Fathers mould daughters in many different ways, as these three cases show. Sometimes they are revered, sometimes rejected. Sometimes they become heroes or allies, sometimes antagonists. Whatever the father means to his daughter, he remains one thing for life: the man of reference. He shapes his daughter's image of a man - for better or for worse.

«The father is the first man in a woman's life,» says emeritus professor and educationalist Margrit Stamm. «For many girls, their father is like their first love. The first emotional bond with the opposite sex.»

The father's behaviour and the quality of his relationship with his daughter therefore have a major influence on their future relationship. On which partner she chooses, what expectations she has of him and how happy their relationship ultimately is.

However, the significance for future partnerships is not the only special thing about the father-daughter relationship. The father also has a significant influence on his daughter's career, more so than that of his son.

«Fathers play a very important role in the professional advancement of young women,» says psychotherapist Allan Guggenbühl from Zurich. «Daughters listen a lot to their fathers in this regard, whereas sons tend not to.»

Fathers interact differently with daughters than with sons

So there is a lot of potential in the father-daughter constellation. As well as having an influence on career and partnership, fathers can also boost daughters' self-esteem and even act as a stress buffer. In the best case scenario, father and daughter later become sparring partners and support each other.

But how does a good father-daughter relationship work? How does it develop in the individual phases of life? And what puts it to the test?

Educational psychologist Sarah Zanoni from Aarau has been counselling children and young people for 16 years. «In the early years, children put their parents on a pedestal. They admire them and look up to them,» she says. Dads become heroes for daughters, but also challengers.

Inge Seiffge-Krenke, Professor of Developmental Psychology from Mainz, cites recent studies that show that fathers generally play more wildly with their children: Fathers generally play more wildly with their children, especially with sons, but also with daughters.

They generally expect more from the girls than their mothers, challenge them in play and even interact with them differently. Fathers emphasise their daughters' gender, i.e. their femininity. They do this less with their sons. This was also discovered by researchers at the University of Georgia in the USA.

In a 2017 study, they investigated the different play and interaction behaviour of fathers with their daughters and sons. It was found that fathers tended to use words related to the body, such as «belly» or «foot», when playing with daughters. With boys, on the other hand, they used more performance-related words such as «win» or «pride». Fathers also sang more with their daughters and played with them more attentively.

Fathers are a real antidepressant. They have a calming effect when girls are under stress.

Inge Seiffge-Krenke, Professor of Developmental Psychology

«Even if fathers like to challenge their daughters in games, they are still gentler towards them than towards their sons,» says Seiffge-Krenke. In general, it can be said that the relationship with the daughter is based more on tenderness and closeness, whereas competition and rivalry play a greater role in the father-son relationship.

An important moment in the father-daughter relationship is the onset of puberty. Whether the relationship remains good depends, among other things, on whether the father manages to accept that the little girl is becoming an adult and independent woman.

If he succeeds, this paves the way for a relationship that can not only be a lifelong bond, but can also have a positive influence on the daughter's self-esteem, stress regulation, career or relationship satisfaction.

Fathers as a stress buffer

A longitudinal study published in 2015 by Inge Seiffge-Krenke and Israeli colleagues shows how well fathers can cushion stress - even before the teenage years. It clearly shows that fathers have a major effect on their daughters' stress regulation.

«Fathers are a real antidepressant,» says the developmental psychologist. «When girls get stressed, mums get annoyed with them more quickly, which leads to even more conflict. Fathers, on the other hand, tend to keep calm and have a calming effect.»

According to Seiffge-Krenke, girls also find it easier to accept support from their father. Studies by American psychologist Jennifer Byrd-Craven on hormonal stress activity have also shown that a warm-hearted father-daughter relationship in adolescence leads to low cortisol levels in girls. Fathers can therefore be a real stress buffer for their daughters.

Fathers also play an important role in their daughters' self-esteem. A survey conducted by family sociologist Renske Keizer and colleagues among more than 500 young people in the Netherlands showed that girls felt more self-confident when their relationship with their fathers improved. This correlation was not found for sons.

Thurgau psychologist and journalist Julia Onken has an explanation for why fathers are essential for their daughters' self-esteem. In her book «Father Men», she writes: «The mother is the same sex, and the same is not the other. Her loving affection can never have the same effect on girls. The opposite-sex response can only be imparted by the father. It is the basic capital for being self-assured and having self-confidence.»

If the father responds to his daughter's needs, if he shows interest in her and her development, if he recognises her, she will develop a healthy self-esteem. If he doesn't, she will «memorise this lack of response as a negative basic pattern for her femininity», says Onken.

Not every girl grows up with a father, for example if the mother is a single parent or lives in a same-sex relationship. Instead of the father, there may of course be other male carers from the circle of friends and family.

The influence of the father on later partnerships

The physical change during puberty is a topic that fathers of girls often have difficulties with, says educationalist Stamm. And it is a moment that shows whether a father is ready to accept that his daughter is now growing up.

«Fathers are often insecure and don't know how to deal with a daughter who is growing into a young woman,» says Stamm. «The daughters are suddenly lovesick, are increasingly preoccupied with their bodies and the associated changes, and are withdrawing more and more,» says Stamm.

The daughter's withdrawal often comes as a surprise to fathers and is difficult to understand, as daughters begin to distance themselves from their father a year before physical maturity becomes apparent. «It's important that fathers treat their daughter sensitively in this regard and accept her withdrawal,» says psychologist Zanoni. This is the only way to maintain a good relationship.

If fathers support their daughters' physical development by accepting them and not being too critical of their appearance, this can even have a positive effect on later partner relationships.

Girls who strongly idealise their father could later have difficulties finding a suitable partner or shaping their relationship with him in such a way that it works in the long term.

In her longitudinal study, scientist Seiffge-Krenke also found that girls who were given a positive body image by their father during adolescence were more satisfied and happier in adulthood.

In addition, the father is the first man in a woman's life and therefore shapes the image of men immensely. «The father serves as a male model,» says Julia Onken. In her book, the author writes: «We don't learn the basic dialogue with the male sex with our mother, but in our relationship with our father. We will never forget this primal text again. The encounter with the father opens up the male world to us for the first time. He lays the foundation for how we will later settle into this world.»

If the daughter has received the necessary attention from her father, she will tend to look for a partner who reacts equally positively to her, says Onken. If, on the other hand, the lack of interest experienced from her father weighs on her, a young woman may transfer this to her partner: «Then the partner has to spoon up what the father has made for the daughter.»

Girls who strongly idealised their father could later have difficulties finding a suitable partner at all or shaping their relationship with him in such a way that it works in the long term.

Why fathers often drive teenage daughters up the wall

Puberty is generally a difficult phase for the relationship between children and parents. Daughters and sons often withdraw, which is completely normal. Especially when it comes to their daughters, fathers sometimes try to re-establish contact in an awkward and rather unfavourable way, says psychologist Zanoni: «What fathers often do wrong during this time is that they don't take their daughters seriously and often make cynical comments.»

It becomes difficult when fathers give their daughters the feeling that they know better and are not prepared to meet them at eye level.

However, it's not just cynical words that often upset daughters, but also old-fashioned views: «When their father harps on about traditional values or claims that everything used to be better, it upsets daughters in particular because, unlike sons, girls often think about many issues in life earlier and form their own opinions,» says Zanoni.

The father's views on topics such as emancipation, discrimination, climate or nutrition can also differ greatly from those of the daughter. This leads to many discussions. It becomes particularly difficult when fathers give their daughters the feeling that they know better and are not prepared to meet them at eye level.

Fathers as a success factor at work

Another thing that fathers can have a major positive influence on is their daughters' careers. Much more so than on their sons' careers. Researcher Eirini Flouri analysed data from 13,000 American children who were followed from birth to the age of 33.

It turned out that a secure father-daughter bond in particular promotes professional success. Fathers encourage their daughters' independence and ambition more than mothers do. And if the relationship is good and father and daughter spend a lot of time together, then these skills are particularly strengthened in girls, which can have an impact on their careers.

Youth expert Guggenbühl also knows that fathers are particularly supportive of their daughters' careers: «Many women who succeed in their careers were strongly encouraged by their fathers.» Psychologist Zanoni confirms this, but admits that too high expectations can be counterproductive and put girls under pressure.

But how do you encourage your daughter properly? «By encouraging her as a father, showing her her abilities, telling her, for example: "You've done really well in your A-levels, now go to university, you can do it!» says Guggenbühl.

For daughters in particular, such support has a major impact on their careers. Daughters take advice and encouragement from fathers well - in contrast to sons. «Boys usually want something different from what fathers advise them to do, and they also rebel more often, especially against their father. That's simply part of their development,» says Guggenbühl.

Daughters want their father to tell them what makes the opposite sex tick

When girls slowly leave puberty behind and become young women, their relationship with their father changes again. They seek his advice more often, especially when it comes to factual issues such as career or finances. But not only there.

Daughters also ask their fathers about relationships if they have questions about male sex, for example. A 2011 survey by Katherine Hutchinson and Julie Cederbaum of 19 to 22-year-old women revealed that daughters primarily want to know from their fathers what makes men «tick», how they think and feel when it comes to relationships.

Young women want to understand the opposite sex better with the help of their fathers. Fathers and daughters can stay in contact about these and other topics. It is important that fathers take their daughters seriously and show genuine interest. Then they can become important sparring partners for life. After all, daughters need their fathers - and not just when they are young.