Until I was five, I lived alone with my mum. She said I was an accident and that she only kept me because of my dad. I never got to know him. Mum worked in service, and we lived with my grandparents, who were like parents to me. I was sad when we moved out to live with my mum's new partner.
There, they left me alone as long as I made myself useful. Otherwise, I had to hold back: when talking, eating, making noise. I spent most of my time reading in my room. My stepfather had grown up in a children's home and had his own burdens to bear. That was surely the reason for his arbitrariness: I was often not allowed to go out and play, without knowing why, not to the church meeting, not to see the donkeys and goats he had bought.
He knew how much I loved animals, but he wouldn't let me near them – because they were his. Mother never stood up for me. I didn't blame her; I was convinced that my stepfather was the problem. Mother had had a better life since she started working in his small business.
My mother continued to summon me to her whenever it suited her. If I had plans, she was offended.
I moved out early. I often spoke to my mother on the phone and visited her when my stepfather wasn't there. She constantly complained about her domineering, now sick husband, who refused to let her visit and resented her when she left. I urged her to leave him, wanted to be there for her, to save her.
High arbitrariness and pressure with a guilty conscience
When our son was born, my husband and I moved closer to her. When her stepfather was out of the house, she would call me and ask me to come over and seize the opportunity. For me, it was out of the question to be on call. It was also normal for her to show up unannounced while pretending to her husband that she was running errands. I often had to reschedule my plans, but I appreciated that my mother wanted to see me.
When my stepfather died, I thought: Now I have my mummy all to myself. She continued to summon me to her whenever it suited her. If I had plans, she took offence. I asked her to be more accommodating now that she was more flexible. She was tied down, my mother said, she had animals. That didn't stop her from showing up at our house whenever she felt like it.
When I let her know that the moment was inconvenient, she made me feel guilty: she had no one else! It dawned on me that her interest was not in me, but in my son, in an almost obsessive way.
There followed a long period during which I tried to make her understand my need for some distance. She reminded me that a grandmother has a right to her grandson. I asked my mother to try to see things from my point of view. She said she couldn't change.
Every time I tried to make contact, I was hit by a whirlwind of grief, anger and guilt from which I could hardly escape.
When I became pregnant again, I pulled the plug. My husband continued to visit my mother with our son, whom we didn't want to keep away from her. After the birth of our daughter, I met her after a long period of silence. She ignored me and my newborn and devoted herself to my son. I realised that no villain had ever prevented my mother from being there for me – she couldn't or wouldn't.
We haven't had any contact for five years. Mum tried calling, then sending messages. Every time she tried to get in touch, I was hit by a whirlwind of grief, anger and guilt that I could hardly escape. Today we live in different counties, and the physical distance has helped us to gain emotional distance.
Found peace
My children know that my relationship with their grandmother was not healthy and that is why we do not see her. I have worked hard on myself and found peace. I can accept what has shaped me and recognise that something good has come out of it. My sensitivity to children's needs, for example.
I set high standards for myself as a mother. I know that it is only human not to always live up to them. Nevertheless, failure is difficult for me. I want to do well. I am sure my mother wanted that too. Then problems got in the way – she did not handle them very well, but she probably could not have done otherwise.
*Name changed by the editors
