How does a family succeed after a separation?

A separation of the parents is usually followed by the dissolution of the joint household. The previously natural cohabitation between the parents and the children is now regulated, planned and organised. Equal shares of childcare may still be possible because the parents understand each other well when it comes to bringing up their children, both want to look after their children and are able to do so, the children support such a solution and the distance between the places of residence has not increased significantly.

The parents suppress the fact that the children did not want to separate from the other parent, but that the couple decided to do so.

Alternating custody or high care shares for both parents are becoming increasingly common. This is certainly also due to the fact that, since 2017, the courts have been required to consider alternating custody if a parent or child requests it. However, not all families can fulfil the above-mentioned requirements.

Some parents find it difficult to separate the couple and parenting levels. As a result, conflicts can hardly be hidden from the children and it is almost impossible to find joint solutions to parenting issues. The parents suppress the fact that the children did not want to separate from the other parent, but that the couple decided to do so.

The other parent is important

As a rule, children still love both parents and are sad about the break-up of the family. In such situations, it can be helpful for the parents to reflect on the importance the other parent had for the child «in the good times». Both fulfilled their parental role in different ways:

Dad may be the one with whom the child talks shop about football, but mum gives good tips for studying for an exam - or vice versa. Dad is a reliable companion at sports tournaments, mum tells exciting bedtime stories. Each parent has taken on different tasks and functions that are important for the child.

If part of this division of responsibilities can be continued after a separation, this will help the child to cope better with the separation. It is therefore conceivable that dad will continue to be responsible for the sports tournaments and that the football matches of the local football club will be a fixed date for both of them. Nevertheless, it should be borne in mind that overdoing each other's activities can also overtax the child.

Avoid rolling your eyes or sighing when the child talks about their experiences with the other parent.

Enable regular exchange

A good parental relationship with the child is not so much dependent on how sensational the shared experience was, but rather arises when the child senses a certain level of commitment and empathy from the parents. This also means that the parents are available and approachable for the child - not every minute, but reliably at certain times. This is why regular dialogue, whether in person or via communication channels, is important for the child.

Both parents should fulfil the child's need to interact with the other parent, even outside of the planned visiting rights arrangement. A minimum level of respect and politeness between the parents should also be maintained, at least in front of the child. Non-verbal signs such as rolling their eyes or sighing when the child talks about their experiences with the other parent should also be avoided.

Such behaviour is not easy, especially at the beginning of the separation situation - but it is a matter of practice that can become increasingly successful over time. It is also helpful to contact a counselling centre or mediation service to find answers to recurring conflicts on your own responsibility.

Every child has the need to be connected with both parents.

3 Potential for conflict

Now, not all parent-child relationships are of a sustainable quality at the time of parental separation. In some families, the reason for separation lies precisely in the fact that one parent has not cared (enough) for their children.

Sometimes a father only spends time alone with the child for the first time after separation. Even in these family situations, it is important to enable the child to have appropriate contact with the parent. Regardless of the quality of the relationship, every child feels a long-term need to be connected with both parents in a certain way.

Both parents broaden the child's range of experience. Who it is and where it comes from are important questions that the parents and other relatives can answer first. In such family situations, there is a certain potential for conflict on three points:

• Firstly, there is a risk that the parent with whom the child does not live does not want to take on any educational responsibility, either because they do not want to burden the occasional meetings with conflicts or because they are afraid that the child will not come to the next visit.
• A second problem area is that the parent may not even be aware of the child's needs, interests and hobbies. There is therefore a risk that the parent will organise their time together inappropriately or show too little consideration for the child's interests. Both can lead to a negative attitude from the child.
• And thirdly, the parent may feel obliged to offer an entertainment programme that may be too much for the child. Ideally, the content of the respective contacts should therefore be planned and agreed with the child in advance.

Active participation in children's everyday life

Good counselling service for parents at odds

In a small percentage of cases, a high level of conflict between the parents remains after the separation. The competent authority or court then has the option of ordering a measure appropriate to the conflict. Counselling or mediation can be ordered, particularly in cases where the parents are arguing about shares of care or appropriate personal contact.

In mediation, the parties involved should work out a solution themselves with the help of a neutral person.

In some cantons, such as St. Gallen or Basel-Stadt, ordered counselling is already institutionalised. Court proceedings or proceedings before the authorities are suspended for the duration of the ordered measures. The parents are then invited to a counselling session. The responsible specialist first clarifies the mandate, procedure and roles with the parents.

Problem situations and suitable solutions are discussed in a constructive manner. Depending on their age, the children are also involved in the counselling process. If the parents find a solution within the timeframe set by the court, the result is recorded in writing, signed by the parents and submitted to the court for approval. A further court hearing is then no longer necessary.

Court-ordered mediation

Arranged mediation works in a very similar way. In mediation, the parties involved should work out a solution themselves with the help of a neutral mediator. An experienced mediator can work with the parties involved to create a customised basis for contact between the child and parents. Children can also be involved in mediation in an age-appropriate manner. If the children are about to reach adulthood, it makes sense to organise mediation only between the adolescent and the parent concerned.

This achieves what parents can also focus on again and again outside of mediation: recognising the needs of their children by being present, listening and responding appropriately. At the same time, they should not ignore their own position and well-being, but rather contribute constructively in order to find solutions together.