How do you actually talk to me?

When was the last time you were annoyed by disrespectful behaviour? Was it the supposedly malicious intention, carelessness or the communicative manner of your counterpart that caused this feeling? Disrespect has many faces, especially in a world that is becoming increasingly hectic, impersonal and digital. Respect is one of the most important social values and the basis for functioning together, at home, at school, at work or online. Respectful behaviour increases productivity, creates a supportive climate and, best of all, it can be learned.

The way in which we create respectful relationships is primarily determined by our communication - verbal and non-verbal. Words are powerful, but our body language, gestures and facial expressions also play a decisive role in how we are perceived. Respect can be understood differently for every culture, every generation and every person and require different communication styles.

Understanding what respect means for others determines the success or failure of relationships.

In her worldwide hit «Respect» (R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me), Aretha Franklin emphasised in 1967 that respect is something very individual. Understanding what respect means to others and responding accordingly ultimately determines the success or failure of relationships.

Two of the most common causes of disrespectful behaviour are a lack of mindfulness and a lack of experience of respect in one's own biography. Tragically, disrespectful behaviour often occurs unconsciously. Those involved believe they are acting respectfully, but the opposite is the case. Careless behaviour over a long period of time can destroy relationships and even alienate family members from each other.

The family factor

Children are particularly sensitive when it comes to their parents' attention. If they feel constantly disregarded, treated unkindly and belittled, they increasingly withdraw. They share less of their lives and may look outside the family environment for recognition and understanding, often in social networks.

For children who are neither shown nor actively taught respectful behaviour in the family, respect remains invisible. On the other hand, for those who know how to apply it, it forms a basis for well-being and successful relationships.

Children need conversations at eye level and parents who really want to listen. The right time is crucial here.

Teaching children respectful behaviour can be a challenge for caregivers. This is because children's brains are still growing and skills are still developing. Appreciative communication is an important tool for respectful interaction, which develops regardless of age and can be encouraged at any time.

It starts in infancy

In the first few months of life, the main focus is on safety, orientation and respectful interaction with the offspring. Babies react more to gestures, facial expressions and tonality than to the content of speech. In infancy, we parents are dealing with self-centred masters of exploring boundaries. Their behaviour does not always meet the expectations of respectful interaction, but it is normal at this age and an important part of their emotional and instinct-led development.

Mutual respect and an appreciative dialogue are particularly important at this stage for a later understanding of respect. By meeting children at eye level - kneeling or sitting at the table - and explaining in an understanding voice what we expect from them, respect becomes tangible for them. Stories are powerful tools in this respect, addressing respectful behaviour, promoting empathy and making moral lessons understandable. A little tip: Most children are often photographed from «above». Why not capture their smile at eye level? This respectful gesture shows that we see them as equals.

Schoolchildren need empathetic conversations and parents who really want to listen. Instead of using a «Yes, but ...», which often comes across as dismissive, a «Yes, and ...» is much more appreciative and opens up new opportunities for dialogue. An exchange can also fail simply because it takes place at the wrong time. Exhaustion after a long day at school or work and a head full of unfinished tasks can severely impair the course of a conversation.

Creating spaces of respect

Agreed times for dialogue help to facilitate productive discussions. In such «respect spaces», people can listen without judgement and express praise and recognition or criticism much more effectively. Incidentally, formulating praise in the present tense and discussing criticism in the future tense has proven to be effective. By depersonalising criticism and focusing on the desired change, children find it easier to accept and implement it.

Just the decision to take time to talk and to change the room for this creates a different mindset.

Instead of «What's your mess again? Please tidy up your mess now and try to keep it tidy», the following statement is more effective: «It would be nice if the toys were always put back in the box after playing. That way the room stays tidy and you can find everything more quickly next time.»

A respect space is therefore a space that serves the sole purpose of allowing people to fully and exclusively engage with each other. Such respect spaces can also work wonders in everyday school and office life, as they support a culture of openness and empathy.

Distance from hectic and emotionality

Stepping out of everyday life and into this space creates distance from the hectic pace and emotionality with which conversations are so often conducted. The mere decision to take time to talk and to change the room for this purpose creates a different mindset. If you consciously cross the threshold, the value of «respect» is there from the outset, even before a single word has been spoken. The respect room really comes into its own when it comes to controversial topics or when conflicting interests clash.

Respectful communication is based on valuing the other person and recognising them as an equal. Studies in social psychology show that people who are treated with respect are more likely to open up and participate constructively in resolving conflicts. Respectful communication not only promotes the well-being of the other person, but also our own. Neuroscience has long shown that respectful interaction activates the reward system in the brain and promotes the release of oxytocin - a hormone that creates trust and bonding.

Basics for the virtual space

Today, the internet is a central space for socialisation and communication, but offers little protection against disrespect. Respectful communication is particularly challenging when important elements such as facial expressions, gestures and tone of voice are missing. Virtual misunderstandings often lead to conflicts or injuries. It can therefore help to be aware of how the choice of words and comments are received by the recipient. It is also advisable to expand your educational repertoire to include netiquette, i.e. respectful behaviour online.

Without understanding this, an apology becomes just a chore instead of an expression of genuine regret.

It is important to talk to children not only about respectful behaviour online, but also about the possible consequences of their actions in the digital space, such as insults or cyberbullying. Regular dialogue about the child's social media experiences and joint reflection on what went well and what could be improved are essential today.

It is high time that we as parents accompany and protect our children's virtual lives just as attentively as we instinctively do in the real world. Sharing experiences and showing an interest in digital activities are becoming increasingly relevant to healthy and happy children.

Apologise sincerely

Sometimes conversations go wrong and an apology is necessary. It doesn't just take courage. The content of the apology is just as important as the offence itself. A simple «Äxgüsi», «Sorry, but ...» or «I was only joking» are not enough and are rarely sincere.

One reason why we find apologising so difficult is that we often lack the incentive to do so. Especially at a young age, children are often asked to apologise, which usually leads to shamefully mumbled words with a look to the floor. A gesture that neither comes from the heart nor really improves the situation. Without an explanation and understanding of why an apology is appropriate, it becomes a chore rather than an expression of genuine regret.

A genuine apology consists of understanding, remorse, empathy and the will to make amends. Teaching children to apologise respectfully means explaining to them in an age-appropriate way what the wrongdoing was, developing compassion for the other person and showing them how to offer a gesture of reconciliation.

It would be desirable if the value of «respect» could regain importance in our stressed society. After all, it determines whether our coexistence succeeds or fails. Relationships have an enormous influence on our quality of life and are in third place, right after the basic needs of food intake and sleep. If we teach children at home and at school to treat each other with respect, we help them to create a respectful and peaceful society.

And finally: respect is something that grows with our experiences. Children love challenges - how about a family #RespectChallenge for a change? Challenge yourself and your child!