How do parents recognise whether their child is homosexual?
Mr Rauchfleisch, has it become easier for young people to come out as homosexual?
You might think that coming out is no longer a problem for young people these days. A lot has happened in recent years, such as same-sex marriage or so-called stepchild adoption.
Nevertheless, coming out is still a very painful process for adolescents going through puberty. According to numerous studies, lesbian and gay adolescents suffer more frequently from depression, anxiety disorders and suicidal thoughts than heterosexuals of the same age.
How difficult is it for parents when their own child comes out as homosexual?
For many, it is still a shock. Mothers react differently to this than fathers.
In what way?
Mothers say things like «I kind of figured that out», while fathers are usually left in the dust. One of the reasons for this is that mothers in traditional family constellations are usually closer to their children and have a better sense of what is going on inside them. It has been proven that women are generally less homophobic than men.
Why is that?
There are social reasons for this: Men are generally more attached to traditional male and female roles in our society. Living as a same-sex couple calls their basic attitude into question, as these roles have to be redefined and negotiated within a same-sex partnership.
In addition, women deal with closeness, emotions and tenderness much more naturally. Even without being lesbians, women hug each other or hold hands. For men in our culture, on the other hand, this is unthinkable and frowned upon; for some, such intimacy is suspicious and unpleasant.
In many cases, the coming out of lesbian girls is not taken seriously, but is seen as a quasi-experimental phase.
How do parents realise when their child has a crush on the same sex?
There are no clear signs that a child is homosexual or not. We often observe that homosexual adolescents are insecure and withdraw from schoolmates, friends or parents or look for a new circle of acquaintances. Recognising this is not easy, as heterosexual adolescents also withdraw from their parents as part of the natural process of cutting the cord during puberty.
How can parents make it easier for their children to come out?
That is individual. However, there are some important points that parents can bear in mind. For example, they can offer to talk and name the topic. For example, they can ask their daughter: «Is it a problem for you that you fancy girls?» If the child doesn't want to talk about it, this must be respected. But the question itself already signals: «We think it could be like this.»
Do parents feel guilty because their child's sexuality doesn't conform to the mainstream?
Yes, feelings of guilt are common and are always ominous. However, if your own child comes out, nothing goes wrong, it just happens differently than usual. Parents should realise this. This realisation can be liberating.
School is sometimes the most homophobic place in society.
At what age does a child realise that they are homosexual?
Unconsciously from a very early age and even before puberty. At least that's what homosexual adults report in retrospect. Perhaps a girl had a particular crush on a teacher during her primary school years. Many do - but for a lesbian girl, such a crush has a much more intense quality.
Are openly homosexual children in Swiss schools an exception?
School is sometimes the most homophobic place in society. Of course, this should not be generalised, as there are certainly schools where pupils and teachers are very open about the topic. But these are exceptions. Many teachers tell me that they were not or only incompletely prepared for such topics during their training.
In school itself, the topic of homosexuality is only addressed in passing in biology lessons. It would therefore be important to provide teaching staff with suitable resources so that they can familiarise their pupils with the topic at kindergarten level. In the form of picture books, for example, in which the prince marries another prince and not the princess.
Is it easier for girls to come out?
Yes, being lesbian is much less of an affront from a social point of view. And what's more: in many cases, lesbian girls' coming out is not even taken particularly seriously, but is seen as a quasi-experimental phase.
Why is «gay» still considered a dirty word today?
Anyone who uses gay as a swearword usually associates it with femininity and therefore weakness. This in turn has to do with how women are often perceived in society: as the proverbial weaker sex.
