How do parents do justice to every child?

1. if the children are happy, so are the parents. Is it that simple?

When everyone in the family is happy, it's actually very relaxed. But that's not the rule. There are ups and downs, for both parents and children. The parents are the children's companions when they are in a low. How the parents react to the children's feelings is crucial. Are they allowed to have these feelings?

Most parents want to see their children happy again as quickly as possible so that everyone is well again. But this is dangerous because it gives the child the impression that being unhappy, stressed and helpless is not okay. They then don't feel accepted and valued for who they are. Yet it is vital for a child to be loved by its parents just as it is. Even in a situation that is a little more difficult for everyone.

Listening empathically and being there - i.e. not immediately looking for solutions - looks like nothing, but is worth its weight in gold. When a person feels seen in their «being», they feel understood. If we are seen, heard and recognised, we will slowly open up in a process in which we feel our own value. Only then are change and development possible.

Caroline Märki, parent coach and family counsellor at FamilyLab

2. are young parents more stressed?

There is no general answer to this question. Anxious and overprotective parents are not relaxed, no matter how old or young they are. What I have observed, however, is that parents who have experienced a respect-based upbringing themselves are often calmer and more relaxed.

By this I mean that they are more authentic, know their limits and can name them. These parents have less unsaid, unprocessed things, but also fewer expectations that can cause additional stress. I find these parents more relaxed because they have more energy left over for parenting, empathy and trust and they have a healthier sense of self-worth than others.

Caroline Märki, parent coach

3. what does it mean if the child has a closer relationship with one parent than the other?

This happens more often than you might think. The relationship between mother and son, for example, is very different to that between father and daughter. However, both relationships play an enormously important role in shaping the child's life and experiences.

It would therefore be disastrous to reject the child in offended narcissism because it might prefer the other parent, because that would mean that it was only about the adults, but not about the child's true needs. Children have a right to be different and to be different in relationships. It is very comforting for a child to know who they can turn to with their worries.

Philipp Ramming, psychologist specialising in child and adolescent psychology and psychotherapy FSP and President of the Swiss Association for Child and Adolescent Psychology

Treating fairly and treating equally are not the same thing.

Jürg Frick

4 How do parents do justice to every child?

By not treating them equally, but fairly. It is a myth that every child can be treated exactly the same. Ultimately, this is the most unfair attitude of all! Children don't want or need the same things. A three-year-old child wants to be treated differently to a twelve-year-old. Treating children fairly is not the same as treating them equally. Every child has their own needs that must be met. Parents should ask themselves: «What does my child need?» and not: "What do I want to give him?

Jürg Frick, sibling researcher, psychologist FSP, author, lecturer and counsellor at the Zurich University of Teacher Education

5 Sometimes you like one child in particular and could shoot the other one to the moon. Do you have to have a guilty conscience about that?

This happens frequently. Instead of developing feelings of guilt about it, it's better to talk to your partner or other people. You can also ask yourself what such feelings towards the child have to do with yourself. Why do I like one child more than the other? Why does one behaviour trigger sympathy and another antipathy? Why do I get so upset about it? This often has to do with my own history.

In such situations, it would therefore be advisable to look at your own biography and unprocessed experiences. To illustrate this with an example: Perhaps my opportunistic daughter upsets me because I wished I was a red Zora - because I wasn't allowed to be a red Zora myself. But: it's a positive thing when you realise that! It's much more problematic if you don't realise it or deny it.

Jürg Frick, sibling researcher

6. is a mother or father always a role model?

People always say you have to be a role model. But you are actually a role model whether you want to be or not. I agree with the German educationalist Friedrich Fröbel, who said: «Education is example and love, nothing else.»

Caroline Märki, parent coach

7 What makes a good mother, a good father?

That they are prepared to grow together with their children. Parents who learn from their children and develop themselves in the process. Parents who don't know in advance how to do things, but instead respond to the children's feedback and constantly reflect on themselves and their parenting style. Parents who don't want to be perfect. The goal or end result of parenting should be the optimal mental and social health of the child.

Caroline Märki, parent coach

8. are you allowed to lie to your child?

That's a difficult question, and I would answer «rather no». Parents actually always lie to their children, especially when it comes to taboos such as their parents' sex life or other topics that are embarrassing for them. This also includes deaths and other serious events. They do this with the intention of protecting their child. If you use age-appropriate language and the topics are not completely intimate, you can talk to children about anything.

Allan Guggenbühl, psychologist, psychotherapist and expert on violence issues

9. how do parents tell their child that they are really annoying?

By criticising their behaviour and not their personality. So if a child asks the same thing 50 times, you answer: «It annoys me that you ask me that 50 times.» If the child is already in puberty, it's a good idea to rephrase this a little, as adolescents are sometimes very sensitive.

With them, it is particularly important to formulate from the first-person perspective, for example: «I can't have ...» or «I don't want you to ...» or «I expect an answer when I ask you something».

Allan Guggenbühl, violence expert

10 As a mother or father, do you know what is good for your child in every situation?

We often intuitively feel what would be right, but we usually doubt it. But behind knowing what is good for your child, there is also a controlling form: the one that prevents the child from developing. For quite a few parents, children are the jewel in the crown of their ego, which is then polished to perfection.

Philipp Ramming, child and adolescent psychologist

11. are parents allowed to argue in front of their children?

Of course. The children go into the room on their own when it gets too much for them. Or they tell their parents to stop. It's normal for people to disagree.

An argument works out for everyone if the parents are emotionally tangible again afterwards and stick together.

Philipp Ramming

More importantly, how do you get along again? However, major arguments are better dealt with when the children are not there. An argument works out for everyone if the parents can be felt emotionally afterwards and stick together.

Philipp Ramming, psychologist

12 When does parental conflict harm the children?

The research is clear. Children suffer from chronic dysfunctional arguments between parents, regardless of whether the conflicts are loud and violent or smouldering and passive-aggressive. Destructive conflicts between parents trigger strong insecurity, anxiety, sadness and feelings of guilt in children. They are often accompanied by psychosomatic complaints such as stomach ache, nausea and headaches.

As parents often argue in the evenings, children are more likely to have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. Behavioural problems such as aggressive or oppositional behaviour are also common. Studies also point to concentration problems at school and the resulting drop in performance.

Children whose parents often argue destructively also isolate themselves more, as they are ashamed to take friends home with them. As a result, children suffer both psychologically and socially when their parents argue destructively. The more frequent the conflicts are and the more intense they are, the more they suffer.

Whether they take place within earshot of the child also plays a role. 70 per cent of children try to intervene and mediate, which often puts them even more between the front lines.

Guy Bodenmann, Professor of Clinical Psychology and Director of the Practice Centre for Couples Therapy and Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy at the University of Zurich

13 What is it like for children whose parents never argue?

Not having conflicts in the partnership generally reflects a problematic conflict aversion. Conveying this to children is unfavourable, as it means they are not prepared for conflicts in their future relationship and have not learned the skills to resolve conflicts appropriately and in a goal-oriented manner.

Children should learn that conflict is part of life and is not a bad thing.

Guy Bodenmann

However, arguing in front of the children is fine if it is done constructively. This teaches children that conflict is part of life, that it is not a bad thing, but that it should be about mutual respect, decency and mutual appreciation.

Guy Bodenmann, child and adolescent psychologist

14 Which form of housing is best suited for children of divorced parents?

My experience shows that most children feel that an arrangement in which the place of residence only changes weekly, i.e. seven days with their father and seven with their mother, is the best arrangement for them. This is true until they reach puberty and are better able to adapt their schedule to their personal needs.

The problem for parents is that children are too considerate of their parents' needs, adapt and therefore tend to «lie» when we ask them if the situation is right for them. It can help to work out one or two alternative schedules and ask the child to choose between them.

But don't ask the child for alternative suggestions, that's your job as a parent. Make sure you give them enough time. Because children look at things much more slowly than we adults do. It is therefore often better to give them a few days to make a decision.

Jesper Juul, Danish family therapist and bestselling author

15 Is it normal to be ashamed of your child from time to time?

I don't think anyone should feel ashamed. Both shame and guilt stem from authoritarian parenting culture. «It's your fault, you should be ashamed!» - such maxims mean nothing other than: Certain parts of your personality are bad and wrong.

These feelings of shame and guilt stick with you for the rest of your life. Parents are ashamed of their mistakes, children are ashamed of their behaviour or their existence. There is still a lot of shaming and blaming in parenting. For me, this is psychological violence, which is unfortunately still tolerated and used in many places today, including in schools.

I am happy to quote the wonderful American writer Maya Angelou, who says: «People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how they felt in your presence.»

Caroline Märki, parent coach

16 Is it a problem for children if their parents have separate bedrooms?

This is of little interest to the children if the parents are on good terms with each other, their interaction in everyday life is benevolent and constructive and the separate bedrooms are merely an expression of pragmatism or the need for undisturbed peace and quiet and their own space.

However, if separate bedrooms are an expression of emotional alienation or conflict, children realise this. They perceive tensions between the parents seismographically and, in this case, judge separate bedrooms as worrying if, for example, the parents always sleep apart when an argument has escalated or if they have separate bedrooms because they no longer get along and have grown apart. In this case, children may interpret the situation as an early warning sign, a precursor to a possible separation or divorce, and react emotionally.

Guy Bodenmann, child and adolescent psychologist

17 What does it do to children if their parents only stay together because of them?

If parents want to stay together for the sake of their children and are motivated by this desire to make efforts to improve their partnership, this is a valid reason.

However, if they are unable to offer their children an appropriate family climate characterised by positivity and appreciation, and if chronic tensions and destructive conflicts poison their life together, this is more harmful to the children than a successful separation. Several studies show that a persistently negative family dynamic is more harmful to children than divorce per se.

Guy Bodenmann, child and adolescent psychologist

18 How do parents manage to stay together in stressful family and work life?

Couples need enough time. However, this is often very limited for couples with several children. Despite this, the couple should try to carve out small islands for their partnership every now and then, whether this means having a chat in the evening before going to bed, setting up a fixed couple's evening or making time for activities together.

Time as a couple is important for the «we-feeling» and for being able to remain a couple despite parenthood, which has its own requirements for dialogue, closeness, intimacy and sexuality. Taking time for the partnership is easier if you have a social network to fall back on and the children are well looked after by grandparents, friends or neighbours during this time.

If this support is lacking, it is often difficult for couples to find regular islands of time for their partnership. Nevertheless, they should also carve out small moments in their everyday lives. Having enough time for each other is also an important prerequisite for sexuality. And this in turn is another important resource that couples need to nurture despite parenthood.

Guy Bodenmann, child and adolescent psychologist

19 How do parents manage to let go of their child?

It hurts, a lot, when the child is no longer a child. As parents, you manage to deal with these feelings by becoming aware of your pain and not fighting it, but «embracing» it and being with it. It is important to have a partner or friend with whom you can talk about this pain.

Basically, the better a child can cut the cord, the healthier it is. It has the freedom to live its life and does not have to worry about its parents' sadness or problems. It is not the child's responsibility to ensure that the mother or father is doing well, but the parents themselves.

Caroline Märki, parent coach