How do parents deal with their feelings?

I almost cried. With emotion, with pride, but also with worry. My ten-year-old daughter was standing on the station forecourt, carrying my old backpacker rucksack on her back along with an insulated mat and sleeping bag. She hugged her friend, greeted the leaders of her holiday camp and spoke to other children in the group. Meanwhile, I waited on the sidelines with other parents, observing the scene.

Gone were the days when my daughter wouldn't leave my side in similar situations. When she had gripped my hand a little anxiously and I had whispered «You can do it». How big, confident and independent this girl was! And I, I was the opposite of a laid-back mum, that much was certain. «Not cool at all, Mum», my daughter would probably have said if she had paid attention to me.

There is this insane urge to protect the children. The worry that something could happen to them. And the fear of not being enough as parents.

My big girl would be away for 14 days. Not a long time, but a novelty for us. There would be no phone calls in between, just a message after the group had arrived safely. My stomach rumbled and my eyes grew moist.

«It's tough,» the mum next to me suddenly said. «I'm actually happy for my son, but we've never been separated for so long.» She sniffled. Her husband hugged his son, perhaps a little too long. «Leave it, Dad,» he grumbled. We parents smiled at each other. For a brief moment, we were a kind of emotional community of solidarity. And it simply felt good not to be alone in this emotional confusion.

A rollercoaster of emotions

That's just the way it is with children and these huge emotions that come crashing down on us on the day of birth. The range is huge, often greater and also different to what we expected. The expression «rollercoaster of emotions» really takes on a new dimension of meaning with children.

There is this insane urge to protect them. The worry that something could happen to them. And the fear of not being enough as parents. There is the pure joy of watching them grow up. Sometimes the loneliness and frustration because you no longer have time for a social life. There's also the disconcertment at some of their behaviour. And of course there's also the anger when nothing works again. Or you've asked a question, made a request or given an admonition for what feels like the thousandth time.

Fear turns into an inferno of rage

«Nothing drives me up the wall as quickly as my children. Not even my husband,» said my neighbour the other day. She was standing next to me in the street, visibly exhausted from the tantrum she had just thrown at her son. School had finished at 1pm and the walk to school is less than ten minutes. When I met my neighbour on the pavement, it was already 2 p.m. and the third grader hadn't turned up yet.

At first, my neighbour had waited in the flat where her younger son was sleeping. At some point, she had gone out into the street to keep an eye out. Yes, the boy liked to dawdle a bit. But for so long? «The traffic lights all work on the road. No, there are no roadworks that are difficult to see. He'll be here soon, you'll see,» I tried to reassure her.

When the nine-year-old turned the corner a quarter of an hour later, whistling happily, the mother's fear turned from one second to the next into a mother's rage inferno and exploded violently over the stunned boy.

No, my neighbour didn't slap her son , of course not, that wouldn't occur to her. But you could see that she would have liked to hit or kick something to get rid of the inner pressure.

Sometimes only shouting helps

In her book «Muttergefühle», author Rike Drust wonderfully describes the dimensions that this aggression can take on: «A wall in the children's room has a crack that we call «The Memorial». I had let my child make me so angry that I couldn't help but kick it with all my might. Before that, I had tried all the other tips against parental anger. I beat up pillows and shouted all the mites out of their stuffing. I went into the next room and counted to ten. I sang loudly.»

Most parents know that their expectations of themselves are unrealistic. Nevertheless, many feel overwhelmed in their role.

If all that doesn't help, Drust writes, she shouts at her offspring. Just like my neighbour does to her son. Neither of them are happy about it. «I'm not always like this,» said my neighbour, exhausted, once her anger had died down a little. But her son was always late and all the admonishments didn't help. «We're all like that sometimes,» I replied. The neighbour sighed, «Thank you, that relaxes me.» Then she went home to explain why she was so freaked out.

Parents feel they are too impatient

At the beginning of the year, the Berlin-based opinion research institute forsa analysed which feelings predominate among parents as soon as their child is born. Almost 70 per cent stated that they sometimes feel overwhelmed in their role. 75 per cent of mothers doubted themselves and did not know whether they were living up to the expectations placed on them. 63 per cent of fathers shared this feeling.

They all felt too impatient, not attentive enough, too anxious, too disorganised. A comparable study by the international babysitting platform Sitly found that 44 per cent of fathers and mothers in Switzerland feel permanently stressed.

Children's behaviour is direct and intense. They are concentrated emotional packages that pop into our lives.

The paradox of these doubts is that most parents actually know that their expectations of themselves are unrealistic. Is this perhaps not communicated openly enough? Rike Drust has also given her book the subtitle «Complete Edition» because she talks about the collective feelings that make up parenthood.

Of course, everyday parenting is filled with moments of love euphoria. A milk-toothless smile, a wet kiss or even the sight of sleeping children can trigger previously unknown feelings of happiness. All mums and dads love to talk about it.

Many people don't admit to themselves that parental feelings are often contradictory and that great happiness can quickly be followed by frustration. Countless conversations in my circle of friends reflect this: they start with a parent talking about a conflict. Of being overtired, for example, because a child starting school suddenly no longer wants to sleep alone. Of irritation because certain everyday routines never work smoothly. Or even boredom because you spend every afternoon in the playground.

These conversations are always followed shortly afterwards by an apology for the supposedly inappropriate feelings. «I know I shouldn't complain,» they say, «the child is healthy. It's just a phase, that's part of it.»

Children tickle feelings awake

Vivian Dittmar, author and founder of the Be the Change foundation, has an explanation for this. «We have learned to keep our feelings in check, to censor them and even to suppress them in a long-term process that is commonly referred to as upbringing or socialisation,» she writes in her book «Kleine Gefühlskunde für Eltern». Children cause this control system to break down because their behaviour is so direct and intense.

They are concentrated packages of emotions that slam into our lives. «Everything that we have suppressed and covered up for years, sometimes since very early childhood, is now tickled awake and forces its way to the surface with great force.» In many families, this starts a battle, depending on how loudly and emotionally a child expresses their feelings and how violently their father and mother react to them.

Negative emotions are often suppressed, ignored or denied by parents as quickly as possible. Yet they reveal a lot about you.

«Parents often simply find it uncomfortable to experience difficult emotions, whether in their children or in themselves,» is Irina Kammerer's assessment. The psychologist is head of counselling and therapy for children, adolescents and families at the Psychotherapy Centre of the University of Zurich's Institute of Psychology. «Mothers and fathers can then tend to want to stop, ignore or deny these negative emotions as quickly as possible.»

Focus too much on the child

However, it is worth taking a closer look. Because the unloved feelings reveal a lot about the parents themselves - even if they often blame the children for the outbursts in everyday life. Families come to Caroline Märki when, as she says, they are «at breaking point and don't know what to do». The parent and adult educator has been running the Swiss headquarters of the Familylab family counselling centre for ten years.

The conversations she has there often begin with the assumption that something is wrong with the child, that it may have emotional regulation problems or is being brought up incorrectly. They are often said to be so aggressive. «I then turn the conversation to the parents first and ask them what triggers certain situations for them. How do they feel about it? And why?»

Many parents focus too much on the child and too little on their own emotions. They don't even pay attention to the processes going on inside them. The family counsellor then works with them to break down why they feel so overwhelmed by their own feelings at some point. This is the first step towards easing the emotional situation.

Dealing with fear

«I'm very scared,» I recently said to our childminder when we had a development discussion about my five-year-old son. It wasn't an easy sentence for me to say because it didn't correspond to my own self-image. An anxious mother is one who slows her children down. She teaches her children that you have to be afraid of life. Who wants that?

Experts advise: Parents should be authentic. For their own sake, but also for the sake of their children.

I had cancelled my son's swimming pool trip for the third time: once because he had a cold, once because he was tired, then I had forgotten his swimming costume. The teacher asked: «Wouldn't you like your son to come with you?» I told her about the swimming accident my granddaughter had had when she was seven. I had allowed her to go to a lake with a family friend.

At the end of the day, she only came back to me safe and sound because a lifeguard pulled her out of the water in time. The fear ran deep. But the moment I spoke to her, she had already lost her power.

Authentic does not mean unfiltered

The nursery school teacher promised me she wouldn't let my son out of her sight. «You can trust me,» she said. And that's what I did.

«It is important that parents give space to their feelings and also explain to their children what scares them or why they are angry,» says psychologist Irina Kammerer. Parents should be authentic. For their own sake, but also so that their child understands what moves mum and dad.

Parents should verbalise their feelings. People who deal with their feelings constructively have an easier time in everyday life.

«But being authentic doesn't mean letting all emotions out 100 per cent unfiltered.» Instead of saying «That makes me incredibly angry» or «That's why I'm sad», the child is often devalued as a person, sometimes even insulted. «Don't be so stupid», «You're inconsiderate», «You'll never manage to behave normally» are examples of verbal attacks.

Irina Kammerer is herself a mother of four children. She knows that it can take strength and a lot of reflection to take a step back in some situations and explain more than complain. "You can also postpone a conversation like this and say, for example: 'We keep clashing, we need to talk about this in peace.

In «Muttergefühle», Rike Drust describes how she doesn't always manage to do this and occasionally shouts. «Afterwards, I apologise and explain why I was so angry. My last question is: Are we friends again? Then we hug and start all over again.»

Expressing your own feelings helps the child

It also makes sense for parents to verbalise their feelings because this gives children access to their own emotional states. Caroline Märki from Familylab herself comes from a family in which emotions were hardly ever discussed. Her three children are now almost grown up.

But the 48-year-old still remembers a playground scene in which she noticed this shortcoming as a young mother. She observed another child who had hurt himself and was then able to explain exactly why he was sad and angry.

«I was so surprised at how well this girl could name her feelings. I ran into a bookshop and bought a guidebook that was supposed to teach my daughter how to do the same. But of course that didn't work. Because I wasn't in touch with my feelings myself. I first had to learn to set an example.»

Today, Caroline Märki teaches others: Adults who can deal constructively with their feelings have an easier time in everyday life. They don't have to constantly bow to the internal pressure to conform to a certain image. Children who grow up in an emotionally open family environment find it easier to like themselves in all their facets and to approach others with greater openness.

Tears in public still make me personally uncomfortable. When I said goodbye to my daughter on the platform and wished her a good holiday, I smiled. Because that pushed back the tears. I didn't want my daughter to realise that my heart was a little heavy. I wanted her to feel that I had faith in her! My big girl looked at me scrutinisingly, hugged me and said «You'll manage, Mum». And she was gone. I did sniffle briefly. But not out of fear. Just out of emotion.