How do children experience divorce?
Irina Kammerer's office at the Psychotherapy Centre of the University of Zurich's Institute of Psychology is also her practice room, where she advises families and children. There is specialist literature on the table and toys and cuddly toys on the shelf. Before the interview, the psychologist ties her hair up - a gesture that seems to help her focus even better on the content of the conversation. She speaks with concentration and a pleasant reserve.
You have been running group courses for children of separated parents at the Psychotherapeutic Centre of the Psychological Institute of the University of Zurich since 2009. Why is this programme needed?
Divorce is very stressful and is considered a critical event in a person's life - comparable to the loss of a loved one, for example. A separation or divorce is a major emotional uncertainty. That's why we thought it made a lot of sense to offer group therapy for affected children.
These children could also receive individual psychotherapy; what are the advantages of the group programme?
The children immediately realise that they are not alone with their problems and that other children feel the same way as they do. This is very relieving and unifying. For example, they learn that others also suffer when the handover between mum and dad on a Sunday evening is difficult because mum and dad argue every time. The children can not only comfort each other in the courses, they also encourage each other. In the group, they learn to express their needs and to understand and categorise their situation.
How does a course like this work?
A total of ten sessions of one and a half hours each take place. There is also a pre- and post-session discussion, ideally with the mother and father together, but with at least one parent. In the sessions themselves, a central role is played by the children's feelings, in which they can express how they are feeling and what is bothering and stressing them. Above all, however, we work with the children on topics such as dealing with feelings, difficult situations, the turmoil between mother and father and the associated conflicts of loyalty.
It is also important to talk to the girls and boys about the fact that there are different types of families: Patchwork families, single parents or same-sex couples with children. Overall, the children's strengths and resources are encouraged so that they can leave the group with a positive self-perception. And there is always the opportunity to address the children's individual concerns and problems.
What are they?
Many children feel responsible for the separation of their parents and are plagued by feelings of guilt. Parents who argue a lot often also have differences of opinion when it comes to parenting. They take their conflicts out on the children. For the girls and boys concerned, this means that mum and dad no longer understand each other because of them and they feel guilty.
How do you deal with these difficulties, how are the children helped in the course?
It is very important to categorise the feelings of guilt. We tell the children that the argument is primarily about the problems between mum and dad and not about the children. It is helpful if they are told this. We differentiate between the couple level and the parent level - that is central. Even if the couple relationship between the parents no longer works, they remain mum and dad. Other feelings such as fear and anger are also discussed in the group. Many children suffer from feelings of powerlessness because decisions are often made over them.
In what way?
For example, if the mother or father, or both, enter into a new partnership at the same time. The children do not choose their mother's or father's new boyfriend or girlfriend themselves, but they still have to find their way around the situation and adapt. They first have to find their place in this changed constellation. We often hear children complaining that they rarely see their dad - and when they do, they never see him alone, but always together with their new partner.
Together with the children, we look at what they can do when they are sad, how they can protect themselves and, if necessary, set boundaries.
Another example: One child talked about the handover on Monday morning, how he was accompanied by his father to the zebra crossing in front of the school to be met by his mother on the other side of the road. The parents no longer spoke to each other. It was the girl's first day at school.
Many parents are insecure themselves and are afraid of the future. How do you help them?
This is also about explaining to the child that the parental communication problems have nothing to do with them. That is the parents' problem. At the same time, we try to work with the affected child to find out how they can deal with the feelings they experience in such situations. Who could they talk to about how they are feeling? Is there perhaps a godmother or grandmother who feels understood? We look with the children at what they can do when they are sad, how they can protect themselves and, if necessary, distance themselves.
How do they learn this in the course?
For example in role-playing games. If children suffer from their parents arguing almost non-stop in their presence, we practise in the course how the child can say «Stop!» or whether they should run away from the situation. The other children often also provide valuable input and suggestions for solutions. In the following sessions, we then see whether the children were able to apply the new reaction patterns and how they fared.
Are there also cases in which a divorce does not have to be so problematic for a child?
Unfortunately, hardly. You have to imagine: Mum and dad are the cornerstones of a child's life. If they are no longer there because the parents separate, this means a massive break for the child. We know from studies on the consequences of divorce that adults who experienced a divorce as a child repeatedly describe how their basic trust was destroyed at the time. Children almost always want mum and dad to get along and stay together.
And if this is not possible, what can parents who are separating do to help their children?
Transparent communication is very important. If the father or mother is moving out, the children should be told; honestly, without embellishment. Children can sense what's going on and what's wrong anyway. If the separation is definite, the children should not be made to believe that it is only a «trial separation». It is certainly difficult for parents to put up with the questions their children then ask - many parents are insecure themselves and are afraid of the future.
It is very important to talk to the children about the fact that the love between a couple is not the same as the love for the children.
What if children want to know why their parents no longer love each other?
Alienation is often a major factor that has led to the separation. You can also tell the child this: We no longer get on well.
For children, this can at best mean that they question their parents' love: If mum and dad suddenly don't like each other anymore, could they also stop loving me at some point?
Yes - such thoughts occupy the children, these questions arise. It is very important to talk to the children about the fact that love between a couple is not the same as love for children. And that parents also have a different responsibility towards their children because they brought them into the world and are responsible for their upbringing and well-being. In the courses, we also work with picture books in which parental love is depicted and explained.
What can you do as a mother and father to ensure that you don't lose sight of your child during a separation or divorce due to your own stresses and strains?
Always try to reflect on your own behaviour: What problems have to do with me and my relationship with my ex-partner? I should not involve my daughter or son in these problems. And perhaps it doesn't always have to come to a separation: I would urge parents to think carefully about whether this step is really necessary. In any case, parents should check whether it is not worth investing in the relationship and being prepared to work together on the existing difficulties - possibly with the help of couples counselling.
After all, you have decided to have a family, and perhaps there is a way that makes it possible to stay together instead of breaking up or starting a new love affair. Divorce always leaves its mark. And we know from research that people who have split up are more likely to leave the relationship again later.
