Higher, faster, further - what drives perfectionist children

High, rigid standards: «Perfect is just good enough.» Perfectionists place very high demands on themselves and their work. Good enough is not enough for them: everything has to be watertight, error-free and flawless. They have a clear image of the end result in their heads and despair if they don't achieve this perfection. For some children, this goes so far that they can't even be happy about a very good grade because they made «such a stupid mistake».

The following statement from a mother we spoke to for this dossier illustrates how stressful this is for parents: «I find it most difficult to experience that my daughter always questions herself completely when she doesn't succeed at something. She doesn't just get annoyed about this one thing, but thinks she's completely untalented and stupid overall.»

Some children can't even be happy about a very good grade because of a «stupid mistake».

High standards are often set in stone: Even if they are repeatedly not achieved, perfectionist children and young people are unable to adjust the bar and are happy about minor progress.

Discrepancy experience: «I could have done better»

«Be proud of yourself!» is what you want to shout at the child who condemns themselves just because they didn't achieve the maximum score in a test. All assurances along the lines of «No one realised that you didn't quite hit that note during the audition» are dismissed with the argument: «But I know! And that shouldn't have happened to me!»

In the peer group, this tendency can quickly lead to social marginalisation: A very high-achieving child who harps on about a single mistake quickly meets with rejection from others. Who wouldn't be annoyed by a classmate who complains at the highest level when you yourself have just received another unsatisfactory grade?

Sensitivity to mistakes: «I'm a failure if I can't do this!»

Perfectionists do not succeed in accepting mistakes as part of the learning process. Some children punish themselves, hit themselves when they can't get their head round something, angrily erase the whole worksheet because of a single wrong result or tear up the almost finished drawing because a small detail doesn't meet their standards.

A wrong answer in class? There is only one reason for this: personal incompetence!

They set different rules and standards for themselves than for other children: they are allowed to practise and make mistakes. But for them, reading aloud should sound like an adult, even if they are only just learning the letters.

Mistakes are mercilessly attributed to personality. Whether it's a misplaced ball, a wrong answer in class or a mistake in a dictation, there is only one reason for all of them: personal incompetence! As a result, feelings of shame and guilt or outbursts of anger become constant companions.

Many perfectionists also tend to think in terms of catastrophes. They see a mistake as the first link in a long chain of failures: «If I don't make it now, I'll never make it and then I might as well bury my dreams.» The average grade on the report card already seems to be ruined, and a place on the bench is guaranteed.

Self-esteem contingency: «You have to earn affection!»

Perfectionists base their value as a person on their achievements. They believe that you can only be accepted and loved if you achieve a lot and do nothing wrong. They are afraid that other people will turn away from them in disappointment or laugh at them if they make a mistake. And they feel worthless if they don't fulfil their expectations.

They often carry around a deep-seated feeling of not being enough. They constantly have to work on themselves and be able to demonstrate successes in order to convince themselves and others otherwise. They quickly become restless and fear for their position if others experience success or they have not been able to shine with good performance for too long.

Many perfectionists worry massively about their performance.

One affected person remembers: «I didn't like myself at all as a child and teenager, I didn't have many friends, I tended to keep to myself. I had the feeling of being an outsider. As soon as I performed well, the feeling improved.»

If perfectionist children and adolescents struggle with themselves, they can hardly accept comfort and encouragement because they believe they don't deserve it.

Low self-efficacy expected: «I can't do it!»

High expectations seem less threatening if we believe we can fulfil them. However, many perfectionists worry massively about their performance: «I don't even know where to start. It's too much. I can't do it!»

For parents and teachers, it is often incomprehensible how children who perform so well can panic every time a test, oral examination or presentation is due. The reassurance «I know you can do it!» is just as ineffective as recounting past successes. Couldn't today be the day when everything goes wrong? Or even worse: the day when everyone will realise that you've only ever been lucky and always overestimated? The day when you are exposed as an impostor?

Two opposing strategies

With perfectionist children and young people, you often see two opposing ways of dealing with this lack of self-confidence. Some throw themselves into their work, prepare meticulously and don't want to leave anything to chance so as not to fail. They memorise the lecture, cram every last detail on tests and revise written assignments countless times. Others try to reduce their anxiety by avoiding tasks completely or procrastinating.

Many children and young people show a combination of both strategies: as long as they can avoid a challenge, they choose this path. They refrain from learning anything new and avoid any performance or competitive situations in their free time. If they can't avoid a test at school, for example, they work to the point of exhaustion to prepare themselves perfectly.

We can be glad that we have people who want to do things very well!

Christine Altstötter-Gleich, psychologist

High standards don't have to be a hindrance per se. Psychologist and perfectionism expert Christine Altstötter-Gleich even emphasises: «We can be glad that we have people who want to do things very well, because we benefit so much from them!»

Can't perfectionism also be a strength?

High standards are the basis for exceptional performance in many areas. Whether you are a top chef, professional sportswoman, exceptional musician or Nobel Prize winner: if you want to reach the top, you cannot be satisfied with «good enough».

However, if you want to enjoy what you do despite high expectations, you need to be able to recognise mistakes as part of the learning process, not take occasional failures personally and trust in your own ability to develop.

In this case, many researchers speak of a healthy striving for excellence and differentiate this from perfectionism. Others refer to this form as positive, self-orientated or functional perfectionism.

No-go sentences for perfectionist children

If children and young people have a perfectionist tendency, this often frustrates parents and teachers. It hurts your heart when you realise that a child should actually be able to relax and enjoy their strengths and successes, but is instead trapped in a spiral of pressure, panic and self-deprecation.

As a result, adults often try to reduce the pressure by sending the message: «Don't take it so seriously. It's just a grade.» Or: «That's good! Others would be happy about such an achievement! Don't always be so hard on yourself.»

If a child describes themselves as a failure, we can show them that we take their feelings seriously.

These appeals often have a threatening and moralising effect on the children concerned. After all, they have a strong motivation to achieve and build their self-esteem on this. And now they are being told that this path is wrong, but are not being offered an alternative route to make them feel valuable.

A mother of two perfectionist schoolchildren says: «I find this black-and-white thinking so difficult. It's either good or bad, there's nothing in between. No matter how you argue or try to draw the children's attention to small interim successes or improvements: It's mercilessly put down and they often then question themselves as a whole.»

My child is a perfectionist: what can I do?

If we want to help young perfectionists, we have to accept that this is how the child sees the world at the moment and that we cannot simply take away or talk them out of this source of affirmation. Otherwise, the child or young person will ask themselves the question: But if I am no longer allowed or expected to be so good, what is left of me?

As difficult as it may be for us, we have to be open to the child's way of thinking, want to understand it and not dismiss it from the outset as wrong, harmful and irrational - otherwise the child will only withdraw or harden.

Patiently and in small steps, we as parents and teachers must expand the universe of these children, teach them that achievement is only one aspect of life and that there are other sources of feeling valuable and needed. We need to teach them that learning means something other than making no mistakes and mastering everything at the first attempt. Not by drumming these aspects into them like a prayer wheel, but by giving them other experiences. Sometimes this also requires guidance from a specialist.

Alisha, who told us about her relentless demands on herself and her body for this dossier, describes a formative moment: the then 13-year-old collapsed in front of the mirror in front of her mother while trying on a new pair of jeans.

«My aunt just listened to me»

«My mum asked me why I was crying and I said: "Look at me, I look really fat!» She was completely shocked because that obviously wasn't true. She quickly dismissed it: «Hey, you're not fat! Don't worry so much, it's not true, now calm down.» But I needed someone to sit down with me, give me a hug and say: "It's terrible that you look like this. Can you tell me what it's like for you? Can I share how you feel?

From the point of view of perfectionist children and young people, only those who master everything at the first attempt can be successful.

My godmother was the first to react like this. She later visited me in the clinic where I was being treated for my anorexia and asked if I was prepared to tell her how it felt and why I was doing it. She listened to me for two hours. Just listened and didn't constantly rub my nose in any advice, tips or phrases. That felt really good. During this conversation, I realised for the very first time in my many years of anorexia how absurd it must be for other people that you could theoretically eat but just can't manage it."

Take feelings seriously

If a child calls themselves a failure or stupid, we can take their feelings seriously and show them that we are listening: «That mistake really annoys you!» Or: «You feel really stupid right now because you didn't see that before?»

After the child has calmed down, we can come back to the situation and ask very gentle questions such as: «You said earlier that you were a failure. That bothered me a bit. What is a failure for you? And if your friend gets a bad grade, is she a failure too? Why not her, but you?»

As parents, we can imagine that we are entering the child's world of thought like a new universe. We want to find out what and how they think and feel and what logic they follow. We can also ask critical questions - but more as a suggestion that the child can think about quietly for a few days.

The road to success is paved with mistakes

Perfectionist children and young people are often fascinated by outstanding personalities and emulate them. Unfortunately, they assume that any mistake or failure could bring them down and ruin their plans: From their point of view, only those who can do everything at the drop of a hat and effortlessly can succeed. Affected children and young people need models to show them that nothing could be further from the truth than this misconception. There are thousands of examples of this.

You learn nothing from successes, you learn everything from failures.

Ed Sheeran, musician

The famous basketball player Michael Jordan emphasises : «I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I was the one who could have won the game and I missed. I failed over and over again. That's exactly why I'm successful.»

And the world-famous musician Ed Sheeran said in a talk show: «People always say I'm so talented, but that's not true at all. You don't learn anything from success, you learn everything from failure! And that's what annoys me about the world today: that nobody talks about failure anymore. As if failure is a disgrace. Nobody says: Oh, what have we learnt from this? If you succeed, everyone talks about it, but success only comes from failing a hundred times over.»

Of course, it is not enough to read such a quote to a child. The point is for the child to connect with their idol and absorb their experiences. To do this, you can read or watch a biography together, talk about it and record important insights.

Mother and daughter find a good solution

A mum who attended one of our parent seminars told us about her 10-year-old daughter who wanted to be able to play every new piece of music without making mistakes straight away when playing the violin. Otherwise, the girl would freak out. As a result, her mother helped her not only to admire the perfectly choreographed videos of her idol, YouTube violinist Lindsey Stirling, but also to take a look behind the scenes. The hard training, perseverance and persistence required to achieve this.

When asked: «What do you think Lindsey does when she finds a piece difficult?», the daughter replied: «She doesn't give up so easily. Maybe she says to herself: 'This is a difficult piece - I'll stay calm and take my time. If it doesn't work, I'll put the violin down, listen to some music and try again.» The mother and daughter wrote down the helpful thoughts on posters of Lindsey Stirling and placed them behind the music stand so that the child could see her role model with the helpful thoughts every time she played the violin.

You are more than your performance

Perfectionist people attach their value to performance. At the same time, they are firmly convinced that others do the same.If you don't perform, your reputation drops, you are loved less or rejected and laughed at. For example, nine-year-old Johanna answers the question of what her biggest worry is with: «That my teacher thinks I'm stupid.»

Unfortunately, children and young people repeatedly have experiences that confirm this view. For example, when a teacher favours those children who perform particularly well or makes a derogatory comment after a mistake, when a parent reacts disappointedly to a bad grade even though the child has made an effort, when those who present themselves as flawlessly as possible receive the most likes on social media.

I am a valuable person, simply by being there.

«I always had the feeling that my mum was worried about me and my school performance. I was always very disappointed in myself that I caused her so much worry. It was very stressful for me at the time because I loved my mum very much and wanted her to feel that I was developing well,» a woman who has suffered from perfectionism since childhood told us.

At the same time, every experience to the contrary helps children and young people to accept themselves better. This includes experiencing it: I am a valuable person, simply by being there. My parents enjoy spending time with me. They enjoy listening to me and are interested in me. I don't have to do anything special to gain their attention and earn their love.

How parents can free themselves from the performance level

As parents, we can take a critical look at how many of our family conversations centre on school, grades, homework and sporting achievements and how much these topics dominate the family climate.

If a perfectionist child is disappointed about a seemingly «bad» grade, then we can simply leave the performance issue alone. We can sit on the couch with them while they are busy with themselves and don't say a word, endure these feelings with them, perhaps hug or cuddle them and trust that they will get over it.

Even if it is well-intentioned, as long as we talk about the exam, point out the aspects that the child has «done well», list his or her strengths and talents, we also remain trapped at the performance level and indirectly signal that the only way to counteract disappointment is to be aware of one's progress, hide mistakes and reassure oneself of one's strengths.