Good secrets, bad secrets

Secrets are part of being a child and are usually exciting and fun. They help children to set themselves apart from their parents, bond with friends and develop a sense of their own identity. That's why they should be respected. At the same time, children and young people need to know that an oppressive or frightening secret can always be told.

Educational scientist Renate Valtin has looked in detail at what children think about secrets, snitches and punishments and summarised her research findings. We know, for example, that children consciously discover the boundary between themselves and others at around the age of five. From this age, they realise that they have their own inner world that is hidden from others. Only then can children understand that they can consciously keep something secret.

About good secrets

Children first have to learn what a secret actually is. A classic would be the birthday surprise for mum or dad. This is so exciting, beautiful and tingly that something is quickly revealed by mistake. For young children, secrets are predominantly positive, says Valtin.

Primary school children learn that it can be important for a friendship to keep a secret. Seven to eight-year-olds expect a good friend to be able to reveal personal things in the knowledge that they will not be told. Be it a secret crush in class or when someone has peed themselves laughing.

Other positive secrets manifest themselves among children in secret languages, scripts and places that should not be deciphered or discovered by adults and outsiders. Being able to keep secrets from others is an important skill and is related to social lying.

Teenagers also have good secrets among themselves. Whether it's talking about their first sexual experiences or skipping a school lesson to go out for ice cream instead. Such secrets add salt to life and strengthen youthful relationships.

About bad secrets

But what if a friend's secret is not funny, but stressful? What if the child has experienced an assault or an exercise of power by a physically or emotionally superior person? What if a child is an accomplice to a criminal offence that cannot be dismissed as a minor offence?

Keeping secrets can lead to depressive moods, anxiety or poor self-esteem.

When it comes to a bad secret, many people immediately think of sexual abuse. There are also other secrets that can burden children or young people in their everyday lives. It could be an older child who demands money or something else and threatens to do something bad if they tell their parents or don't tell them. It could also be a friend who regularly shoplifts or a friend who uses drugs or illegal pornography. Perhaps it is a parent who suffers from addiction problems or a mental illness.

In short, bad secrets are unhealthy. A study by Utrecht University found that secrets can have a negative impact on the well-being of young people. Keeping secrets can lead to depressive moods, anxiety, poor self-esteem, loneliness and relationship problems.

Snitches and punishments

«Tattletale» is a negatively coloured word that is related to «betrayal». What children understand by it changes with age.

For her study, Renate Valtin interviewed children about a fictitious case: a boy tells his friend that he stole money from his mother's wallet to buy ice cream. The survey revealed that five to six-year-old children tend to favour openness towards their parents. They see them as a moral authority. For ten to twelve-year-olds, secrecy prevails. They justify this with the fear of being punished by their friend.

Most older children also make it clear in their answers that they disapprove of the misstep. However, loyalty takes priority in friendship. It is therefore not always easy to judge whether telling a secret is tattling or not.

Children and young people often turn to their peers when it comes to taboos, illegal behaviour or unpleasant experiences. Shame, fear of negative consequences and conflicts of loyalty prevent them from talking to adults. The aim is to avoid supposedly unpleasant consequences or to protect someone from them.

Surveys of Renate Valtin's children support the assumption that there is a connection between the way they are punished and their openness to admitting mistakes. Children who explicitly spoke of harsh verbal and physical punishments such as «being told off», «being spanked» or «getting their bums handed to them» were more likely to want to hide their slip-ups from their parents. Children who spoke of «getting into trouble» or indiscriminate punishments, as well as the younger children, were more likely to plead in favour of openness towards parents.

Sharing secrets

Recently, a young friend of mine told my daughters several times that he was thinking about taking his own life. However, he didn't want to talk about it with his parents or other adults under any circumstances.

Although they knew that the boy often attracts attention with stories, they were still worried and unsettled and told us about it. Together, we thought about how they could free themselves from this burden.

They told their friend that they were worried when he talked about suicide. If he continued to do this and did not seek help, the girls would turn to an adult. Since then, the issue has been off the table.

If a child or adolescent turns to an adult carer with a secret, this does not always mean that they have to do something. Talking about it can be enough to find a solution or to stop feeling overwhelmed. It makes a big difference to well-being whether it is a «private» secret that you keep to yourself or one that is shared between several people.

Studies among young people in the Netherlands have shown that sharing a secret leads to a higher quality of relationship with a confidant. These can be parents, but also good friends. Young people who shared secrets with their parents were less likely to commit offences. Sharing secrets with a best friend was associated with less loneliness and greater interpersonal competence.

5 tips on how to deal with bad secrets

There are a few things parents can do to help children and themselves deal with bad secrets:

1. praise instead of scolding

If a child confesses something they have done wrong - take a few deep breaths and don't scold them straight away. Praise them for being honest. Children who learn that it is better to admit a mistake or mishap than to hide it will find it easier to free themselves from bad secrets.

2. do not act rashly

If your child reveals an unpleasant secret about another child or young person, do not act hastily. Think about whether the child can find a solution themselves or whether you want to inform someone. For example, the parents, the school, the police or the KESB. In any case, discuss with your child how to proceed so that they don't end up in an unnecessary conflict of loyalty or suffer an unexpected backlash.

3. talk to the child

Talk to your child about good and bad secrets. You can work out together which secrets can remain secret and which should be told. The Austrian child protection organisation «Die Möwe» provides helpful examples.

4. get help

Parents and professionals can also seek help to consider how to deal with a bad secret. Especially if relatives or friends are involved, an outside perspective can help.

5. report a case

There are secrets that concern child protection. Parents may also submit a risk report to the KESB if they are concerned about a child or a family. «Any person may report to the child protection authority if the physical, psychological or sexual integrity of a child appears to be at risk» (Art. 314c para. 1 ZGB).