Gaining respect without being authoritarian
We often hear that children do not show adults the respect they deserve. Gone are the days when a person was automatically respected by those around them because of their social status or professional position. Respect can no longer simply be demanded, it has to be earned. And that is the right thing to do. Or as Mahatma Gandhi said: «Be the change you wish to see in the world.»
The seven cornerstones of the new authority or unifying authority - new is no longer new - are «presence and relationship», «support and network», «non-violent resistance», «transparency and publicity», «de-escalation and self-control», «reparation and reconciliation» and «values and attitude». On closer inspection, not only experts will realise that these terms make a lot of sense and are often already familiar. And yet the concept is new in this form and it is essential to approach these topics systematically.
1. presence and relationship: continuous care
You can only influence people with whom you are in contact and have a relationship. That is why it is so difficult to tell an unknown person who is not behaving appropriately in a public space to stop their disruptive behaviour. As a result, we in schools have to constantly work on our relationship with our pupils, be accessible or easily recognisable to them. And remain present, especially when things get difficult and challenging.
2. support and network: constructive and fearless
Sometimes relationship work can become a burden for individuals - and not just at school. That is why it is important to create a support network. The team should have a climate in which problems can be discussed without fear. Sometimes it may even be necessary for the whole team (including parents) to come together to signal their support.
A necessary requested change is demanded until the change occurs.
3. non-violent resistance: persevere until change happens
Mahatma Gandhi may not be the inventor of non-violent resistance, but he is probably the best-known representative of this approach. His non-violent actions led to the independence of the present-day states of India, Pakistan and Bangladesh from the British Empire. In the school context, it is less about a sit-in strike, as Gandhi practised.
Rather, it is about persistence. A necessary change is demanded, and this continues until the change occurs. The cornerstones mentioned so far form an anchor function: «We are here and we won't go away, even when things get difficult. You can rely on us,» is the message to the other person.
4. transparency and publicity: no misunderstood discretion
Why someone is acting, what they are doing and how they are acting must be transparent. This creates reliability, which has a positive effect on mutual trust. It is important that misconduct is communicated openly - while respecting personal rights, of course. The opposite of this is secrecy and cover-ups under the pretext of misunderstood discretion; this protects harmful and misguided behaviour.
5. de-escalation and self-control: impulsive behaviour under control
It is difficult to remain calm when someone makes statements in anger that trigger us. But this is precisely where the magic lies, when we manage to see a verbal attack from the other person for what it is. Many expressions of anger are an expression of an injury suffered and not primarily an attack against another person.
Especially in a school context, it is important for adults to be able to maintain self-control. If we overreact in the heat of the moment to possible misbehaviour by children, this often leads to feelings of shame. It is precisely this shame that lingers for a long time and torpedoes the relationship between the child and, for example, the school management.
Punishment is perceived by children and young people as a form of relationship breakdown.
6. reparation and reconciliation: weaknesses also create closeness
Just recently, in my role as head teacher, I got too loud with a pupil. I would have liked to have reversed my reaction to his behaviour. But said is said. I apologised to him sincerely shortly afterwards, which had the desired effect. In doing so, I explained my misbehaviour and made the boy feel that he was important and that my relationship with him was very important to me.
The new authority is a constructive counter-concept to the disastrous system of reward and punishment. Punishment in particular is perceived by children and young people (and adults?) as a form of relationship breakdown. It is also a form of shaming. You have to accept a punishment and you are found guilty. With reconciliation or reparation, on the other hand, you can admit your wrongdoing and do something to make the other person feel better again. This has a positive emotional effect on both parties.
7. values and attitude: formulate and exemplify
Shared values and attitudes are needed to guide and educate the children. In our school team, we have developed a common attitude and we are already very successful in implementing the pillars of the new or unifying authority described above. Nevertheless, we stumble again and again and intuitively think of punishment. To prevent this from happening, a strong team is very helpful. The common attitude and the unifying values are a strong signal that works externally, but also strengthens us internally.
As described, the principle of unifying authority is not only a promising idea in schools. It also provides parents with a solid foundation for the education of their own child. To this end, network with the parents or guardians of your child's classmates. Also ask your child's class teacher whether it would be possible to network at a parents' event.
Or choose a current topic and try to discuss how to deal with it together. Unifying authority is not about defeating your counterpart. It is about signalling that the individual is not indifferent to the community. True to the motto: Together we are stronger!
