Forgiving is more than overcoming resentment

Thekey to bliss is shanti. The Sanskrit word refers to a state of deep calm, fulfilment and inner peace. According to Hinduism, in order to achieve shanti, we have to let go of everything that burdens us. Even our grudges against others.

The first people to hurt us in life are often our own parents. Of all people. Their offences affect us deeply. They often have a particularly long-lasting effect. The father who didn't trust us to study or the mother who never showed her love: they can be reasons why we later undergo psychotherapy. Our parents' ill-considered actions also have the power to hurt us in the long term. If they constantly favoured a sibling or blabbed a secret about us, this will haunt us well into adulthood.

Offences trigger strong negative emotional states such as anger, fear or insecurity.

Matthias Allemand, psychologist

Sometimes injuries run so deep that we are literally trapped in our resentment. This can even affect our health in the long term. «Offences trigger strong negative emotional states such as anger, fear, insecurity and disorientation,» says Mathias Allemand. He is a psychologist and researches and teaches at the University of Zurich on the role of personality in healthy ageing. If these feelings are still present years after the triggering event, they can affect our sleep, our well-being and our entire lifestyle, according to Allemand.

However, some people manage to distance themselves from their parents over time, not only physically but also inwardly. To become less sensitive, even to forgive them. If we succeed in putting aside the negative feelings, we can also restore our inner peace.

A sign of nobility

In the world's religions, forgiveness is a much-vaunted instrument for achieving redemption and salvation. «Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us,» says the Lord's Prayer. Jesus preached the commandment to love our neighbour, with which we should treat even our enemies. In Judaism and Islam, in Buddhism and Hinduism, people strive for happiness through forgiveness.

«Only he is wise and worthy who conquers his anger and shows forgiveness, even when he is hurt, insulted and offended by the strong,» says the Indian epic Mahabharata. Those who succeed in conquering their anger can look forward to «eternal regions of joy».

It shows generosity and nobility, even chivalry, when we can say: I forgive you. And what liberation this thought offers: other people may have done us wrong, but we no longer let it get to us. We free ourselves from it by forgiving them - and thus rob them of their power over us. Forgiveness - a superpower? Even a panacea? It's not that simple.

Trust abused

«Injuries often have to do with the fact that our trust has been abused,» says Susanne Boshammer. The professor at the Institute of Philosophy at the University of Osnabrück researches ethical issues. As children, we were dependent on our parents and powerless against them. The pain is all the greater when they of all people let us down, abuse our trust or even inflict violence on us. At the same time, we can't really escape our parents. Even if we break off contact, the relationship with them remains forever. This makes forgiveness particularly difficult.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Nor does it mean reconciling or cancelling the guilt.

Susanne Boshammer, philosopher

However, if we decide to consciously let go of our feelings such as sadness, anger or disappointment, says Susanne Boshammer, we can regain our self-empowerment - and free ourselves from the role of victim. We no longer just react to events from the past, but become active ourselves. This is an important step towards forgiveness, even if it is only the first step, which can be a great relief for us.

According to Boshammer, a change of perspective and an attempt to look at our parents' behaviour in the light of their life circumstances at the time can help to achieve this. We often have high expectations of mothers in particular, which are based on traditional role models. «At the latest when you have children yourself, you quickly learn that parents are only human.»

Do not demand an apology

But that's not enough. «Overcoming your own resentment doesn't mean forgiving,» says Susanne Boshammer. It also always means releasing the other person: «From their duty to repent or feel guilty about us.» And this is where it gets tricky, because perhaps we are not - yet - ready for this.

Perhaps we want to exonerate ourselves first and foremost by forgiving, but are still inwardly waiting for an apology. Or we secretly wish that the other person would now feel even more guilty - in which case our forgiveness is more like an act of revenge.

According to Susanne Boshammer, if the desire to forgive is motivated in this way, it misses the actual point of the exercise. «Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Nor does it mean reconciling or cancelling the guilt,» the philosopher qualifies. «But by doing so, we allow the other person to stop blaming themselves for their behaviour.» And we should mean that wholeheartedly. Even if it is only in our thoughts.

Sometimes we have no control over whether we succeed in forgiving completely. Of course, it helps a lot in this process if the other person regrets their actions or even apologises to us. If we are at least sure that it was not done with malicious intent.

Banish stressful feelings to the past

Many parents find it difficult to apologise, says Susanne Boshammer. «They at least want to pretend that their behaviour was well thought out.» Some are not even aware of any guilt. And there are some offences that we should not forgive: «When actions are particularly brutal», as in the case of abuse or physical violence. Even if parents repeatedly belittle us, don't take our feelings seriously or abuse our trust, it is not necessarily advisable to be forgiving according to Boshammer, «it also has something to do with self-respect».

Whether we should really forgive our parents or other people remains a highly individual question. What we can always try to do, however, is to let go of our stressful feelings. To banish them to where they belong: in the past. It can help to talk about things other than the offence and not to keep repeating it in our minds. If we succeed in doing this, we can look to the future a little more light-heartedly. And perhaps even achieve shanti, the longed-for peace of mind, at some point.