Does my child have serious problems or is it just a phase?

Just like adults, children and adolescents can also have a bad day or a bad phase. Certain changes in behaviour are also typically part of different developmental phases. For example, withdrawn behaviour and increasing distance from parents are completely normal during puberty.

«Protest and contradiction, which initially irritate many parents, are also part of the healthy process of cutting the cord during this developmental phase,» says Judith Graf, psychologist at Lucerne Cantonal Hospital. «However, if the changes in behaviour indicate that the child is not doing well and is suffering, parents should take notice.»

Some children and young people withdraw when problems arise, others become aggressive.

Corsin Bischoff, child and adolescent psychiatrist

When children and young people have worries or problems that they can no longer cope with on their own, this can manifest itself in different ways.

«We see two main trends in practice. On the one hand, children who are clearly withdrawn, display depressive behaviour, sleep poorly, develop anxiety, compulsions or altered eating behaviour,» explains Corsin Bischoff, child and adolescent psychiatrist at Winterthur Cantonal Hospital. «On the other hand, we see children who express aggression outwardly, are disruptive, annoying, refuse to behave and disregard rules.» The transitions from normal to worrying are often fluid.

Signs of serious problems

«Parents should be alert if the change in behaviour is not just sporadic, but continues for weeks and months or gets progressively worse,» emphasises Bischoff. «Another warning sign is when children and young people not only withdraw from their parents, but also stop seeing their friends and colleagues.»

It is also alarming if hobbies and previously favourite activities are increasingly neglected, self-harm occurs or weight increases or decreases significantly within a short period of time. «There is also a need for action if school performance suddenly drops or the child even refuses to go to school,» adds Judith Graf.

If the child senses understanding, a space of appreciation is created in which it can open up.

Judith Graf, psychologist

«In the case of aggressive, delinquent and rule-breaking behaviour, the level of suffering within the family is usually quite high.» In addition to the problems in everyday family life, there is often pressure and negative feedback from the social environment - such as school. The question is then often not so much whether action can be taken, but above all how.

It is always worth seeking dialogue

In all cases where the behaviour of children and adolescents causes concern, it is worth first seeking contact with the child themselves and addressing the issue directly. «It is important to convey to the child that you are worried, that the child is important to you and that it is easier to look for a solution together than alone,» appeals the child and adolescent psychologist and continues: «If the child feels understanding and receives the message «There is a problem - and I am not wrong», a space of appreciation is created in which the child can open up.»

In such a situation, however, worried and annoyed parents often impulsively rush forward with accusations and, in their helplessness, verbalise above all what bothers them about the child's behaviour: «You're always in such a bad mood!», «You don't eat enough!», «You're always ruining everything!». However, if the children are mainly confronted with accusations during the conversation, they generally withdraw further and the parents lose contact even more.

«Even if it's certainly not always easy, I therefore advise parents to put their own feelings aside for a clarifying conversation and, if possible, find a suitable time with sufficient peace and space to talk,» adds child and adolescent psychiatrist Bischoff. «In most cases, parents then find out what is bothering their child.»

Get help in the immediate vicinity

However, if the situation is already very complicated and contact with the child is correspondingly difficult, parents should not be afraid to seek outside help. To do this, other people who are close to and trusted by the child - such as grandparents, godparents, teachers or the paediatrician - can be approached and brought on board.

In addition, all cantons in Switzerland have so-called parenting and family counselling centres, which are run by the cities and municipalities and supplemented by services provided by churches, charitable foundations and associations such as Pro Familia or the Elternnotruf.

Here, parents can receive comprehensive, non-binding and usually free counselling from trained specialists on all parenting issues, especially in acute crisis situations. Counselling is available by telephone, e-mail and usually also in person.

You can find out where the nearest parent counselling centre is located from the city or municipal administration or on the websites of the respective providers. There are also counselling services available that are aimed directly at affected children and young people.

When the child turns away

If there are problems, worries or hardships that children and young people do not want to or cannot share with their parents, they can seek advice and help from specialists at the youth counselling centres.

At 147.ch, for example, children and young people can get quick and free help around the clock by phone, email and WhatsApp, which they can also receive anonymously if they wish. There is also a peer chat function where they can talk to people of the same age. This means that children and young people in need can get help very quickly and unbureaucratically; if necessary, even without their parents knowing about it.

Parents should always take statements such as «Maybe it's better if I'm no longer there» very seriously.

«This is particularly important in crisis situations in which children and young people no longer see a way out and then consider short-circuit reactions,» emphasises Judith Graf. «However, if suicidal behaviour or suicidal thoughts persist, parents or close caregivers should definitely be involved.» According to the World Health Organisation (WHO), suicide is still the third most common cause of death among children and adolescents.

Emergencies - when things have to happen quickly

Parents should therefore always take statements such as «I don't want to live anymore» or «Maybe it's better if I'm not around anymore» very seriously. «At this point at the latest, it is important to take the time to address the topic of suicide in a targeted manner and to listen carefully, even if this means postponing or cancelling your own appointments,» explains Judith Graf. «It's important that the child or teenager doesn't remain alone now, but is supported and receives help.»

For support, parents can also turn to a counselling centre, a crisis hotline, a paediatrician or a child and adolescent psychiatric outpatient clinic. «In the case of strong suicidal thoughts, a specialist assessment should also be carried out if possible to find out to what extent the child or young person is still stable and able to talk,» adds Judith Graf. «Sometimes a short inpatient stay can also be useful in order to stabilise the child again.»

Parents should take action quickly if children start to refuse to go to school.

Parents should not act quite so acutely, but also as quickly as possible, if their child is losing weight noticeably. «Permanently being severely underweight has a negative impact on a child's health and development,» says psychiatrist Corsin Bischoff. «If there is an eating disorder behind it, the condition can quickly become chronic. That's why it's important to take countermeasures as early as possible.»

Parents should also take action quickly if children or young people start to refuse to go to school. «This can be due to social anxiety, bullying or depression, which often manifests itself in psychosomatic complaints such as headaches and stomach aches,» explains Judith Graf.

«Parents are not doing the child any good if they give in to their child's avoidance behaviour permanently.» On the contrary, this only exacerbates and chronicles the anxiety. «The children also lose their social connections, which can lead to even more serious problems,» warns the child and adolescent psychologist. «As a rule, professional counselling and support is also very useful here.»

Getting external help is a sign of strength

Raising children is one of the most challenging tasks of all and for most of them, things don't always run smoothly. «Children, but also teenagers - although it sometimes doesn't seem that way to adults - need long-term support and the feeling that their parents are there for them and are interested in them,» says Judith Graf.

«If parents can communicate this, they can stay in good contact with their child and look for solutions together.» However, if contact is broken off or the problems are so serious that they can no longer be dealt with alone, parents should not be afraid or even ashamed to seek help from third parties. «Seeking support from counselling centres or psychotherapists in difficult situations is not a sign of weakness or inability, but of strength and a sense of responsibility,» emphasises Corsin Bischoff.

Sometimes just a few sessions with a parent counsellor can be enough to provide suitable strategies to help you reconnect with your child and find solutions together. In other cases, however, the problem exceeds the competence of counsellors and parents - then psychotherapeutic help is required (read the article "How to find the right therapy for your child" here ).