Dear fathers, I'm angry!

In 2021, 17,000 children were born in the canton of Zurich. Only 2,900 men took advantage of the paternity leave to which young fathers have been entitled since 1 January last year. The situation was only slightly better in the other cantons. These figures shocked me. Naive as I am, I had assumed that today's young, modern fathers would seize this opportunity as a matter of course.

Do fathers today still not realise how important they are for their children, how important it is to build a bond, especially at the beginning, and what role it plays for their partners to feel supported by their husbands in the stressful weeks after the birth?

Who nappies the child and feeds it, who stays at home when it is ill?

You can imagine this even if you don't know all the studies that show, for example: If fathers stay at home in the first period after the birth, women suffer less from postnatal depression and fathers still have a closer relationship with their children and partner years later.

Of course, you could argue that it's only for a fortnight. But it is the first important decision for the family, for the children, for your own role as a father. And this decision will make it easier to take on more responsibility as a father in the future when it comes to very different issues: Who will nappy change and feed the child, who will stay at home when the child is ill? Who will pick him up from childcare? Who will take him to the dentist or the parent-teacher conference?

Men, it depends on you

Today, there is a lot of talk about the compatibility of family and career, about mental load and care work. What is striking is that a lot is written and discussed about men. However, fathers themselves hardly take part in the discourse. Out of 100 comments on social media on these topics, perhaps two or three are from men.

Lectures on parenting topics are still happy to welcome any father who is interested. And this magazine is also running a campaign to attract male readers. It's up to us men to get involved and show our support: We take our role as fathers seriously.

When men see other men who are committed to their children, the fear of falling behind professionally or being looked at unfavourably decreases.

This is perhaps where the familiar theme of maternal gatekeeping comes in: Mothers can't let go! They don't trust us men to deal with children! If your partner falls into this category, then show that it's important to you and take your place.

However, as a study from Switzerland, Germany and Austria shows, it is primarily the men who decide how the family system is organised. As old-fashioned as it may sound, it is the father's attitude that determines whether he takes parental leave and how long the woman takes a career break after the birth.

Whether the woman is in favour of an equal distribution of roles had no influence on the behaviour of the men in the aforementioned study. To put it bluntly: if the father doesn't want to, the mother jumps into the breach for the sake of the child.

Stand up for your children - and for other fathers

If the partner has less influence than assumed, who decides whether men are more involved as fathers? It's the other men! A study from Norway by social scientist Gordon Dahl and his team found a snowball effect: if a colleague at work takes parental leave, it is already 11 per cent more likely that the next father-to-be will do the same. With brothers, the influence is even stronger at 15 per cent and is only surpassed by the superior.

The research group surmises that when men see other men who are committed to their children, the fear of falling behind professionally or being looked at unfavourably decreases. Markus Theunert, Head of the Swiss Fathers' Network, assumes that many men would like to take paternity leave, but are worried about their career. This fear is relatively unfounded, as studies show.

As a committed father, you can expect to be ridiculed a little - and should shrug it off.

However, some men actually find themselves in a company that requires them to pretend they don't have a family. They are expected to go on business trips all the time, be available around the clock and organise their lives around the needs of the company.

Even if you can earn a lot in such companies: I have often seen men give their all for such employers, feeling more committed to them than to their own families. Only to be coldly dismissed shortly before retirement when performance declines somewhat, younger colleagues are more favourable or the share price can be improved with a restructuring.

Committed fathers are more than henpecked heroes

But even if you don't have such an employer: As a committed father, you can still expect to be ridiculed and teased a little by your work colleagues. A father friend of mine, who took three weeks' unpaid leave in addition to paternity leave after the birth of his child and then reduced his workload to 80 per cent, had to listen to a few things: «Do we ever see you at work again?», «What's your wife doing that you have to be at home all the time?» or «I only took one day with my child. In the beginning, the children only want to breastfeed anyway, so as a man you're just standing around looking stupid».

I want to be more than a weekend entertainer in my children's lives. I want a real relationship.

You're quickly seen as a wimp and a bit unmanly if you get more involved. When I was still working at university, there was a colleague who rarely came for a beer with us after work: he had to pick up his children from the crèche. He always got pitying looks and was ridiculed afterwards.

The fact that as a committed father you are quickly seen as a henpecked husband may also have something to do with how you communicate. All too often I hear something like «Yes, my wife wants me to pick up the children today ...» - accompanied by a shrug of the shoulders and an apologetic smile.

Chest out, back straight: be proud to be a father

Sometimes it seems as if men can only choose between the pressure of their employers and that of their partners. It's time for us men to stand up straight and say as a matter of course: of course I'm taking this holiday, I'm staying at home when the child is ill, I'm taking one day off a week to be with my children - because I want to and because it's important to me.

I want to be more than a weekend entertainer in my children's lives. I want a real relationship, I enjoy my children, I want to know who they are and what moves them. And that's only possible if I spend enough time with them. I'm prepared to put up with a few inconveniences and disadvantages and shrug off stupid comments.