Dad, I'm scared! Combat zone family bed

At the age of three, my daughter had her monster-in-her-room phase. «Daddy! A bit scared. Come to you!» Sometime between 1am and 3am, she woke up and wanted to come to bed with me. This situation is probably familiar to most parents. But how should you deal with it when children don't want to sleep in their own bed? The answer to this question must be very personalised because it should take the needs of the whole family into account as far as possible.

Closeness, security and safety

The idea that every child should have their own room and sleep in their own bed is relatively new. Our ancestors would hardly have accommodated their little ones in a separate cave or their own tent.

And until a few decades ago, houses were so small and there were so many children that several family members usually slept in one bed or in one room. For many children, the parents' bed is a place of refuge at night. The parents offer protection, security and closeness.

This is particularly important for many children at night, when wolves, robbers, ghosts and monsters roam around outside in their imaginations. The fact that this protection is now provided by lockable doors, double-glazed windows and possibly even an alarm system is little consolation for children.

The idea that every child should have their own room and sleep in their own bed is relatively new.

The night is also a time of worry for older children. The argument with the girlfriend, the fear of the upcoming exam: everything comes to the fore as soon as it gets dark and you are alone with your thoughts.

Sometimes it is special events, phases or thoughts that cause children who have been sleeping alone for a long time to suddenly return to their parents' bed: «Mummy, you're not going to die for a long time yet?» Even many adults say that they have trouble falling asleep when their partner is away for a few days.

What is normal?

When it comes to topics such as sleep, parents often ask what is normal. At what age should children sleep through the night? How long should a child sleep and at what age? Up to what age is a child allowed in the parents' bed?

There are no concrete answers to this - even if experts repeatedly propagate standards. Children are different. Some sleep through the night at two months, others still wake up five times a night at the age of five. The question of what your own child should be like usually doesn't get you very far.

At most, we come under pressure when other parents tell us how smoothly everything is going for them or the paediatrician says: «A child is able to sleep through the night at six months.» The more we feel we have to conform to a standard, the more stressed we become and the more difficult it is to sleep.

What is good for us as a family?

More important is the question of what your own child is like, what needs you have as parents and what they need so that everyone in the family is happy. When it comes to sleep, the parents' needs often come into conflict with those of the children. Parents know: If I don't sleep well, I'll be tired and irritable tomorrow.

It gets even worse when the couple disagree. When one demands consistency and wants the child to cry and the other would prefer to introduce the family bed. It is not uncommon for the men to leave the responsibility to the woman. As a result, they sleep so deeply that they can't hear the child at all.

Or they say goodbye to the couch with a defiant comment when a night-time visit to the parents' bed is announced. Perhaps it will help if you consider the following questions as a couple:

• Wer übernimmt wann die Verantwortung? Und wie teilen wir uns auf?
• Wer braucht wie viel Schlaf?
• Wann wird es mir zu viel? Was ärgert mich?
• Wie können wir für bessere Schlafbedingungen sorgen?
• Was können und wollen wir unseren Kindern zumuten?
• Was müssen wir momentan einfach akzeptieren?

For example, my wife and I have noticed that we react very differently to being woken up at night. I can fall asleep again immediately, she is awake afterwards and finds it difficult to get back to sleep.

Her tiredness puts her in a bad mood, I'm just tired. She can go to sleep early, but I like to sleep in. We're both fine with the following division: I'm responsible for the night, my wife gets up as soon as the children wake up in the morning and lets me sleep a little longer.

Of course, this division doesn't always suit the children. When my wife has put the children to bed, the little one calls for her in the night. When I come into the room, she gets quite angry: «Not you! Mum! Get away from me!» These are the little moments of frustration that we both have to get through: «Mum's asleep. I'm here.»

The more we feel we have to conform to a norm, the more stressed we become and the more difficult it is to sleep.

Our arrangement is not ideal: I'm often tired during the day and catch colds more often than I used to. On the other hand, I get a lot of good things out of my night watch. I enjoy it when one of the children cuddles up to me again at night and falls asleep again contentedly.

I think these are exactly the moments that I will later think back on wistfully and have the feeling that they passed «far too quickly». Last but not least, of course, there are a few recommendations that make it easier for children to sleep.

The need for protection can be met with a night lamp and open doors, for example. Plans can be hatched against burglars: For example, my son finds it very reassuring that we live opposite the prison.

He would immediately grab the wooden sword next to the bed and call me. After we've overpowered the scoundrels together, we call the policemen from over there and hand them over to custody.

There are now also many lovely bedtime books and calming stories that parents can read to their children. Picture books are suitable for younger children and the «Captain Nemo» stories by psychologist Ulrike Petermann for older children.