«Children usually know what they have to deal with»

Mr Furman, you are the inventor of «Muksuoppi», which means «I can do it» - an educational method that has become a real educational hit. Tell us what it's all about.

The core idea of Muksuoppi, or ability thinking, is based on the idea that you don't focus on the difficulty the child has, but on the ability they need to learn in order to overcome the difficulty. In practice, the first step is to replace the word «problem» with the word «ability».

That sounds a little banal.

I know we think: «We're just exchanging a word!», but this creates a more comfortable way of talking about the situation. When parents or teachers are concerned about a child's behaviour, they often use problem-oriented language with negative connotations - the child has «poor impulse control» or is «disruptive».

Such problem descriptions do not say much about the child's actual difficulties. But if you can name what the opposite of the problem is, it is easier to define which skills the child could learn. And that changes something fundamental.

What exactly is changing?

When I developed the method over twenty years ago together with special needs teachers Sirpa Birn and Tuija Terävä in a kindergarten for children with behavioural problems, instead of a «problem» or a diagnosis, each child was given their own «skill» which they wanted to learn and which they also named themselves.

It makes children proud when they can work on their skills.

So each child had their own poster on the wall, on which was written which «skill» the child was working on this week. The interesting thing was that the children were a bit proud of it. They suddenly no longer saw their situation as a disruption, but as a task. They also realised: all children have a «skill» that they have to learn, I'm not alone, I'm not different.

I don't quite understand it yet. Let's say the diagnosis is ADHD, does the poster say: «Ability: ADHD»? Or if a child bullies other children, does it say: «Ability: Bullying»? How can you be proud of that?

No, no, it's not about reinterpreting the diagnosis as potential, the difficulties are real. It's about recognising a skill that the children can learn in order to perhaps cope with their situation a little better.

Let's stay with the example of ADHD. Let's assume my child has been diagnosed and I want to support them in terms of ability thinking.

I would then recommend putting this diagnosis aside for the time being and focussing on the very specific difficulties the child is facing. For example, take a sheet of paper and write down all the things the child is struggling with. Then look at each individual point to see what skill the child could learn to cope better with it.

In other words, help the child with an ADHD diagnosis just as you would if they had not been diagnosed. Talk to them about which skills they want to master better to make their life easier. However, children with an ADHD diagnosis usually have multiple challenges - so it's worth starting with an easier task, a skill that the child is motivated to do and is most likely to make progress with.

Capability thinking comprises 15 steps. Let's go through the most important ones.

It all starts by talking to your child about the skills they have already learnt. After all, the realisation that they can already do some things fills the child with pride and gives them the self-confidence to perhaps try new things. The next step is to find out which skill the child would like to learn, i.e. which «problem» they would like to solve. It is important that the child does not follow our instructions, but recognises and names its own goal.

Can children do that?

If parents don't like their child's behaviour, they often ask the child why questions - «Why did you take the child's toy away?» or «Why don't you finish your food?», «Why are you giving me such cheeky answers?». However, children don't know why they are doing this and they don't experience the why questions as real questions, but rather as a form of rebuke to which they react defiantly or with excuses.

What should you do instead?

For example, parents or teachers could ask: «What do you think you should learn?» If you ask children and really listen to them, you usually find out that they realise what problem they are struggling with. If a child hits other children or can't sleep in their own bed or spends too much time on the screen, they are usually well aware of it, but they are ashamed of it and don't want to be confronted.

Children are usually uncomfortable talking about problematic behaviour. It is more likely that the child will join in if you talk to them about things they have already learnt and new skills they could benefit from, rather than discussing their problems and difficulties. Children are no different to adults.

Can you explain this with an example?

Let's take a classic: tantrums. Normally, this is a phase that children grow out of. But for some children, this development takes so long that parents no longer know what to do. That's a problem. And the children themselves suffer because they don't have these fits for fun, they can't help it and they are ashamed of it.

Sometimes it helps parents to look at the situation in such a way that their child is not doing this out of malice, but because they lack a skill. The skill that the child would need to learn to avoid this would perhaps be «self-control».

A somewhat abstract term for a child.

That's right. Children don't understand that, and phrases like «better self-confidence» or «more empathy» are vague concepts. That's why we should try to talk to the child about what they could do specifically when they get angry so that they can calm down more easily and avoid a tantrum.

Team up with the child by learning a skill yourself.

For example, we could ask the child: «What could you do in situations where you get angry? What would help you to calm down a bit?» The challenge lies in naming a skill that the child would like to learn. To learn something new, a child needs to feel that mastering that skill will bring certain benefits. So talk together about the benefits - not only for the child itself, but also for other important people in the child's life.

What is the next step?

It is important that the «skill» does not refer to what the child should stop doing, but to what they can learn. So if a child often gets into fights, the «skill» should not be: «I will stop fighting with other children», but perhaps: «When I get into fights with other children, I want to learn to put my hands in my trouser pockets and walk away.» In my book, I have listed a kind of ABC of typical children's problems, from A for nightmares to P for perfectionism and Z for obsessive-compulsive disorder. In each case, there is a suggestion on how to approach the associated «skill».

What do you do when children simply don't learn the «skill»?

I once had to deal with an eight-year-old child who was biting his fingernails. He was able to clearly state that the «ability» was to let his fingernails grow. As a psychiatrist, I know that biting fingernails is a habit that you don't just give up. So I suggested that he start by only growing the nail on his left thumb instead of all ten.

We therefore try to tackle challenging skills in small steps that seem feasible to the child and where they can quickly experience a sense of achievement, which in turn motivates them to continue. Another example: If a child is constantly arguing with other children, a small task to start with could be to teach them to simply join others or ask: «Can I play along?»

What if the child doesn't want to learn? How can I motivate them to continue, even if they are not making any progress in learning the skill?

If the child is struggling to learn something - say, sleeping in their own bed - you can ask them to practise this skill in a role play, for example. In the sense of: «Okay, you haven't learnt it yet, it's also very difficult, but can you act out what it would be like if you could? How would you behave if you had learnt it?» You can film this, for example, and show it to the child so that they get an idea of what they are aiming for. But we have forgotten an important step: Partner with the child by learning a skill as well.

What does that mean?

It is easier for children to tackle a new task if, for example, their parents or carers are also willing to work on themselves. The headmaster of a primary school in Finland wanted to introduce this skills-based thinking in his school. In a short speech, which was broadcast to all classrooms, he explained the method and said: «I want to start with myself, because I also have a bad habit of interrupting people when they are speaking. I want to get better at listening.»

What happened next?

He set a good example. He showed the pupils that they were not the only ones who needed to work on themselves, but that he needed to work on himself too. But there was more: over the next few weeks, he repeatedly received feedback from his colleagues that he was actually listening better - and that made him very happy. Which brings us to the next point: In order to learn new things, we need the support and feedback of other people. For example, the child can appoint helpers to remind him of his «ability» and celebrate when he thinks of it himself and makes progress.

Celebrating success: Is this another step in your method?

Yes, but it's not about receiving gifts as a reward for learning a skill. Rather, it is a celebration or gathering where the child is recognised for their achievements and can thank those who have helped them along the way. Children love to plan celebrations and the anticipation of the upcoming event contributes significantly to their motivation to learn.

Children are often more motivated to teach others something than to learn something new themselves.

The last step in your ability ladder is to offer to help others. What is this all about?

This is based on the observation that children are often more motivated to teach others than to learn new things themselves. If you now offer your child the prospect that they can probably help another child practise the same skill, this may be a good incentive for them to learn the skill themselves.

That all sounds understandable. What are the limits of your method?

Ability thinking is not a miracle cure for every problem children have. However, I have noticed that the children enjoy using it. It can also be combined very well with other measures and concepts.

You are originally a psychiatrist. How did you come up with the method?

I was trained in the 1970s, at a time when studying was very much characterised by depth psychology. But I never really liked that.

What bothered you about psychoanalysis?

It is fantasy. And very lengthy. I then became interested in what is called systemic therapy. At its core, it differs from the Freudian approach in that it is about the future and not the past, about what you still have ahead of you and not what is already behind you. Many found this solution-orientated approach superficial, pragmatic, American - but we had amazing success with the method.

Finally, I would like to ask you a few of the eternal parenting questions. Firstly, what is the right way to deal with screen time?

I don't have a finalised opinion on how much time children should spend on digital devices. But your question is more about how to get children to stop an activity that is very engaging but that you think is unhealthy. I would answer this by saying that it is - usually - easier to motivate the child to do something else than to persuade them to stop doing something they really enjoy. In other words, perhaps it would be wiser not to try to reduce the amount of time the child is allowed to spend in front of the screen, but to increase the amount of time the child spends doing other things.

Listening is one of the great human skills that can solve many problems.

Secondly, why do children often find it so difficult to listen?

Is that only true for children? All people find it difficult to listen. In the context of our method, I would even say that listening is one of the great human skills that can solve many problems. I have to think of the Finnish headmaster we spoke about earlier, who resolved to listen better. That's a pretty great skill, especially for grown men.

And thirdly, how can I tell if my child is happy?

As I said, I am not a Freudian, but perhaps it is appropriate to end the conversation with a Freud quote: «Man is happy when he works or when he plays.» I think that's a good approach: as long as your child is playing, he or she is happy.