«Children need guidance and appreciation»
My 15-year-old son is often perceived by outsiders as particularly friendly and responsible. «It's great how you've managed that as a single mum,» I hear. «Is there a tough parenting style behind it?» I'm asked. To be honest, I don't particularly like the word «parenting style». My interaction with children and young people is based on the pillars of mutual respect, appreciation and love. That was and is the case in my work as a teacher, and it is also the basis of our interaction with my son.
For me, Rayan was never a baby or a child that I could simply mould to my liking.
Rayan and I had a key experience a few hours after he was born. We were alone, he was lying on my chest and we looked into each other's eyes. At that moment, I felt very intensely: What a personality! This realisation stayed with me. For me, Rayan was never a baby or a child that I could simply mould according to my own ideas.
Respect and appreciation at school
When I work with children as a teacher, I also take this into account. Many adults think that children should show them respect. That's true! But I believe that we should show each other respect and appreciation. For almost eight years, I worked with children who had broken all authority in terms of behaviour and ended up in separate small classes. They had often been severely punished in their lives and that didn't change anything.
Rewarding and punishing only works up to a certain age.
I always explained to Rayan why we should do certain things and why he should co-operate. When he was a toddler, I told him: «Look, I have to go to work because we need money. That's why it would be good if you went to daycare now and didn't make a fuss. I'll pick you up as early as I can.» There was no sweets as a reward - but a cosy afternoon together.
When he was older, I gave him small tasks. I never said: «If you take out the rubbish, you'll get a bit more pocket money». I made it clear to him that we both had responsibilities and that I would be annoyed if he forgot. He coped well with that. Rewards and punishments only work in the short term and only up to a certain age. But I want my son's respect for the rest of my life.
