«Children need a healthy amount of neglect»

The journalist is about to press the doorbell when a cyclist roars up. Allan Guggenbühl, probably the country's best-known youth psychologist, takes his helmet off his head, greets him in a friendly manner and invites him in. Thick stone walls swallow up the traffic noise. His practice is located here, in the «Chamhaus», a medieval town house in Zurich's old town.

Guggenbühl asks the guest to take a seat and the journalist sinks into one of several wing chairs. Guggenbühl smiles: «For children, this chair is reserved for telling nonsense. Anyone who simply wants to talk nonsense sits on it. It helps to break the ice.» Don't worry: the author didn't make use of it, of course.

Mr Guggenbühl, the lockdown was an enormous stress test for many families. However, a recent ZHAW survey with over 1,000 participants revealed that the coronavirus crisis has led to an improvement in intra-family relationships - at least from the perspective of young people. Does that surprise you?

Young people tend to give more positive answers when assessing the quality of their family relationships. The fact that parents and children had more time together during lockdown may have had a positive effect on their relationship. However, I also know of families where there was too much closeness for everyone involved. Parents complained that their children were clinging to them, or worried because their teenagers were withdrawn, playing on the computer all the time, for example . The lockdown has presented families with an unexpected challenge. I wouldn't generalise and say that they have benefited from it.

The extent of the current crisis is difficult to assess and the future is uncertain. How does this affect young people?

I can well imagine that the corona crisis will become a key event in the lives of many young people. There will be a before and an after. In the long term, this will probably lead to a glorification or dramatisation of what we have experienced in recent months. This is typical of collective experiences. In 20 years' time, people will be telling each other stories of school closures, hunger and empty shopping shelves.

Let's take a look back: you have been working with families for over 30 years. What concerns parents today compared to the past?

Parents are more concerned today. On a positive note, fathers are more present, even if they are not as involved as mothers in terms of time. In the past, it was common for children to come to my practice accompanied by their mother. Today, fathers are practically always present, comment on parenting issues and get involved. The danger of this more involved parenting is that parenting becomes overloaded with ideals and is too child-centred.

In what way?

We want to prepare children for a society in which justice, respect and equality prevail. Unfortunately, the world that awaits them is not like that. It also has its downsides: It can happen that teachers are unfair, the flatterer gets ahead, empathy doesn't pay off and nobody waits for you. Life is often unfair and school is an endurance test. Of course we have to raise children to be good people, but at the same time it is our job as parents to prepare them for the paradoxes, injustices and absurdities of life. I have the impression that this aspect is often forgotten. Instead, we let the children believe that everything will be fine if they behave properly and make a little effort.

Why do we ignore reality?

Self-delusion is a survival principle. Utopias provide energy and encourage us to tackle new things. And: you don't want to paint the devil on the wall and sow seeds of mistrust. It is in our nature to chase dreams. However, it is important that we develop a realistic idea of our possibilities. This requires optimism, but also a good dose of realism, a healthy mistrust that we sometimes lose in times of prosperity, order and peace.

You have to explain that.

Where people live in more difficult circumstances, children learn on their own how life can play out and may develop strategies early on to cope with difficult situations. In an affluent society and intact family relationships, everyday reality is different - and that's a good thing. However, it is the parents' job to teach children that not everything always goes according to plan and that life has its downsides. Children learn from unpleasant experiences. Having them is important. So we shouldn't always intervene straight away when something goes wrong. That has consequences.

Namely?

As a professor at the Zurich University of Teacher Education, I experienced many young adults as naive. They tended to overestimate themselves and reacted hurt when a lecturer questioned their abilities. They believed that they were entitled to success and acceptance, and felt that defeats were unfair. Such young people lack the will to admit their own weaknesses, overcome difficulties, work on themselves and carry on despite problems. They are looking for affirmation and struggle to grow up.

What does adult mean to you?

That you make decisions independently, take on a role in society, bear responsibility and endeavour to find a profession. But why go to all this trouble when there is another way? For a few years now, I have increasingly been dealing with desperate parents of young people who drop out of school or apprenticeships, hang around at home or do odd jobs. Growing up is not an attractive option for these young people, as they can stay at home where they are fed and looked after by their parents. If you ask them about their plans for the future, many things remain vague.

What is the relationship like with the parents in such cases?

Sometimes tense, often warm. Young people believe that their parents will always be there for them. At this age, there is little concern with questions of finiteness. This puts parents in a dilemma: they know that things can't go on like this, but they don't have the heart to be tough, i.e. to refuse service or kick a young adult out if in doubt.

Why not?

Many parents fear that they will jeopardise their relationship with their child by making clear statements. This fear probably stems from the over-focus on the child that I mentioned earlier. Children used to run alongside while parents went their own way. Today, the child comes first, with the parents behind them, always keeping a close eye on them.

How do you explain this development?

Parents are older today, they have more time and money, but fewer children. They can therefore devote more attention to the individual child. In addition, we live in a modern information age, driven by the fear of missing out, especially with regard to children's development. Parents are encouraged to give their child the best possible support, and experts use all sorts of if-then scenarios to explain what can go wrong. You want to get it right. Sometimes the fervour backfires.

What is important when it comes to education?

Parents should be present, register what occupies children, love them and participate in their lives. These qualities do not depend on the time factor; there are parents who are physically present but inwardly absent. It is also important that mums and dads are reliable and occasionally offer the child something that connects them: This could be a hiking trip or working in the garage. However, a healthy amount of neglect is also needed.

What do you mean by that?

Boredom, waiting times and frustration must be endured. This is how children learn to do something with themselves. However, many parents make offers as soon as the child complains or is bored. Of course, there are also parents who don't care enough. This can have fatal consequences, but it can also strengthen resilience and personal responsibility. In this context, I had impressive experiences with a group of young people from families with alcohol problems, whom I accompanied over a longer period of time.

Tell us.

Many of these children did not see themselves as victims, but developed an impressive resilience and a keen understanding of what is important in life. They organised their apprenticeship on their own, many were conscientious and punctual. They realised: I have to look after myself, otherwise nobody else will. I'm not saying it's good to be neglected. But these young people, because they were on their own, realised at some point that nothing comes from nothing. Some of their peers lack this determination to take life into their own hands. This is not just down to their parents.

Young people - too little responsibility

It also has to do with our education system. We are late in involving the younger generation in social responsibility, banishing them to the waiting room with school and further education. Education is all well and good, but we don't scrutinise it, instead categorically claiming: the more, the better. Today, almost half of 20 to 24-year-olds are still in education, compared to a third 20 years ago. School and support measures are seen as a great achievement of our society: Children and young people should consider themselves lucky that we use them to prepare them thoroughly for life. But there is a catch.

Namely?

From around the age of nine, children strive to join life outside the family, take on responsibility, exert influence and make a contribution to the community. They realise that work brings social prestige. It is not just an arduous duty, but also a sign that you are integrated into society and needed: an opportunity to gain significance for yourself. We exclude children from this. This is fatal, especially as in our consumer society money is seen as the most important means of exerting influence and power. Many young people see themselves as useless, react with infantile behaviour and don't behave themselves.

What do you suggest?

We should introduce children to responsible activities at an earlier age, perhaps integrating them partially into the work process. Younger children can do their bit by clearing the table, tidying their room or feeding the pet. From around the age of twelve, children can do small jobs outside the home, such as delivering newspapers. Teenagers have many opportunities for part-time jobs: at the till, stocking shelves in the shop or helping out in service. It is a truism that we only develop many skills when they are really needed. Taking responsibility, asserting yourself, overcoming conflicts - you learn these skills primarily in real life. Of course, people like to claim that children can already take on responsibility at school.

But?

As part of the self-organised learning prescribed by Curriculum 21, they have to carry out work on their own initiative, define learning objectives and acquire material independently. The problem, however, is that this is an artificial situation. The children are in a protected space and are supervised by adults. It is naïve to think that they can effectively learn to deal with responsibility or make independent decisions in such a situation.

They are regarded as critics of self-organised learning.

Independence does not come about by imposing it. Moreover, children are not stupid: they realise that school is a compulsory institution. However, most of them are willing to adapt and are curious about what awaits them. Even in the first years of life, children imitate adults. Later, they look forward to school because they want to belong and learn from them. Of course, lessons should create conditions that also enable independent work. However, adults should determine the goals and content. Children want to be guided. By engaging with the experiences of their elders, they grow into society.

The concept of competences in Curriculum 21 also causes them problems.

Yes, we talked earlier about how parents dream of the world for their children. Accordingly, many educators also have a dream of a school in which motivated children learn independently or as part of a team and are supported by fair, empathetic teachers. Such ideals are important, they are an incentive and motivation for us. But ideals, as I said, have little to do with reality. This aspect is lost in some of the competences formulated in Curriculum 21.

What specifically bothers you?

What bothers me is that we are based on target expectations from the adult world, some of which we can't even fulfil ourselves. Who can claim to resolve conflicts constructively, accept criticism without making a fuss and always argue objectively? Once again, it is not wrong to harbour such expectations - it becomes problematic when they become qualifications that are relevant for success at school. I am increasingly seeing behaviour that is part of normal child development being interpreted as a sign of social incompetence.

For example?

When children contradict, provoke, interrupt each other, are loud or do not understand. Occasional anti-social behaviour is part of childhood. This used to be normal, but today the school intervenes with specialists. This is not always necessary. It would be a good thing if schools were to limit themselves to the elementary rules of decency again - they have laid an egg for themselves with this ideologically overloaded focus on competences: Who is supposed to keep track of over 350 documented competences?