«Children accept a no better when they recognise care»
Mr Grolimund, do parents set fewer boundaries for their children today than they used to?
Parents parent very differently, but many are actually setting fewer boundaries - often as a result of a conscious decision. They realise that children growing up today face different challenges and need different skills than previous generations.
What do you mean by that?
Many adults today, for example, have fewer problems with following instructions or sticking to rules than with maintaining their own boundaries, paying attention to their needs and taking sufficient breaks.
Many find it difficult to say yes when they mean yes, or to say no when they mean no. This is why many parents now hope that their children will find this easier than they do, that they will be able to stand up for themselves, defend their own points of view and distance themselves from unhealthy demands, wishes and expectations. But of course they should also be able to empathise and cooperate with other people.
How do you teach children this?
By encouraging them to stand up for themselves and their needs. This requires adults to accept their children's feelings, respect their opinions or allow them to have an age-appropriate say in decisions that affect them.
For me, this also means that children are allowed to make their boundaries clear. For example, if we have a rule in our family that we speak to each other at a normal volume and don't shout at each other, this should apply to everyone and a child should have the right to demand it just like the adults.
How consistent should parents be when they set prohibitions and rules?
It depends on the child, the parents, the rule or the ban. I often hear: You just have to be consistent! And the accusation that parents no longer manage to do this these days. For some parents, consequences are almost an end in themselves, according to the motto: the main thing is to enforce the rule.
I think it's important that we take a step back and ask ourselves what impact our behaviour has on the child and our relationship with them. As parents, we may need to set an upper time limit for gaming or watching TV for the benefit of our child so that other important areas of life don't suffer.
This is exactly what is not so easy to achieve.
It depends, because we can deal with this limit in very different ways. If we have agreed with our child that they can play for 60 minutes and then we see that this time is up, we can stand next to the console and say: «Switch off now. Time's up!» And then dismiss the child's objection that they still want to finish the level with «Now!» and switch off the console.
As adults, we would not consider such behaviour to be consistent, but rather disrespectful. Imagine your partner switching off the TV five minutes before the end of a film with the words «You wanted to tidy up the kitchen». Just like many children, we would also get angry.
How do you do it better?
Parents can make sure that the rule is adhered to by sitting with the child, telling them that time is up and that they should save at the next opportunity. They can watch for another three to five minutes, take an interest in the game and say at the appropriate point with the necessary clarity: «And now I want you to save.»
At this point, you may hear the objection that your own child would not react to such an announcement. This may be because the child is very impulsive and refuses. In this case, it is better to discuss such a situation in advance in order to find a solution together. However, it may also be the case that parents have not enforced rules respectfully and the child is not primarily defending itself against the rule, but against the parents' behaviour.
Sometimes parents let a child get away with things against their will and then feel bad about it. What happens then?
If for some reason you have given in, perhaps with a sentence like «Then just do it», or you bought the child what it wanted even though you were against it, you shouldn't sulk afterwards or give the child the cold shoulder in anger. That's just the way it happened.
If you have given in even though you didn't want to, you can be a little more conciliatory with yourself instead of immediately thinking that parenting in general is now in question. Thoughts like: «I should have said no, but I was too tired and exhausted. That may not be great, but it happens to a lot of other parents too. It's best to rest now and talk about it again later.»
What should parents do when children start discussing bans?
It is normal and healthy for children to discuss prohibitions and boundaries from time to time. They want to know why they apply, how long they will continue to apply and why prohibitions are different for different adults, for example why classmates are allowed to do certain things that you are not allowed to do yourself.
We don't have to talk to the child until they agree with the ban. It makes sense to explain briefly and clearly why the rule applies.
Parents also need to constantly check whether the boundaries they set for their children are still serving them or whether they are unnecessarily restricting them. We can see discussions with the children as an invitation to justify why we are sticking to a ban - or to think about whether we want to expand the framework a little.
What do you mean by justify?
By this I don't mean talking to the child until they give in and agree to the ban, but that it makes sense to explain to the child or young person clearly and concisely why we don't want them to play a certain game, hang out at the railway station or come home after midnight.
It would be a shame if the child gets the feeling that rules or prohibitions are simply the result of an adult's whim. Children accept our guidance better when they realise that our love and care is behind a «no» and not simply arbitrariness, habit or capriciousness.
