Can't I really please anyone here?

Many parents today feel exhausted and drained. Am I a good mother, a good father? How much can I put my child through without damaging them and our relationship? Why am I constantly under so much pressure?

We are bombarded with expectations from all sides that we are expected to fulfil. These are often so contradictory that in the end we can obviously only do it wrong anyway. Parents complain about the double burden of wanting to be good parents and successful at work. Whilst the demands of professional life seem to be constantly increasing, as parents today we also want to do everything particularly well and correctly.

How do we deal with feeling guilty and inadequate as parents and having the impression that we are constantly being scrutinised?

But what does «good and right» mean? «Just rely on your gut feeling. After all, you know your child best,» we are told. But what if this gut feeling doesn't help us and we are blocked? How do we deal with the fact that as parents we often feel guilty and inadequate and constantly have the impression that we are being scrutinised by those around us?

Get off the carousel of expectations

There are always times when we feel overwhelmed by all the expectations that we and others have of us. A slightly modified version of the so-called «order carousel» by the systemic solution-orientated psychotherapist Arist von Schlippe has often helped me. I also like to use this method in counselling sessions. Let's take a look at an example:

The mother of a sensitive, shy eight-year-old boy has recently been constantly rushed, under pressure and exhausted. She often feels inadequate and has the impression that she can't please anyone. The demand to be a good mother is very present in her life - but she can't figure out why she almost despairs.

A lot of clarity emerges when she consciously asks herself: Who has what expectations of me as a mother? Which of these are openly communicated? Which ones might be unspoken and lurking in the air?

To do this, we take a large sheet of paper and the client places a wooden figure in the centre that represents her in her role as a mother. Next, we consider which people or authorities in the mother's environment have expectations of her. The sheet quickly fills up with more wooden figures, which are labelled: her partner, her own parents and parents-in-law, the class teacher, «society», her employer, her son himself. Now we let each individual figure have their say and formulate their concerns. We then write down at least one «openly expressed» and one «unspoken» expectation for each of them.

This quickly reveals very contradictory demands on the mother: there is the mother-in-law, who makes it clear to her that she should bring the eight-year-old more into contact with peers - and accuses her between the lines that she is to blame for the child's insecurity because she «didn't want to give him a sibling». For example, the mother-in-law recently forwarded an article by email without comment, claiming that only children are less assertive.

Who has what expectations of me as a mother? Which of these are communicated openly? Which ones are unspoken and in the air?

Added to this are her own parents, who both constantly emphasise how much importance they used to attach to raising their offspring to be self-confident and not to take everything off their hands - and subliminally tell her how disappointed they are that she can't even get her grandson to spend the night with them. The husband who superficially supports her and tells her not to worry so much, that the shyness will disappear by itself at some point - but makes her feel that he has enough stress at work and that she shouldn't always burden him with unnecessary worries.

The society from which she perceives the message: «Make sure your son becomes confident and assertive. Otherwise he'll have a hard time in the future.» The class teacher, who emphasises how intelligent the child is and how unfortunate it is that he hardly participates verbally. It might be necessary to encourage his strengths more at home and give him more self-confidence - another boy would have benefited greatly from judo. Subliminally, the client felt labelled as a helicopter mum in the school assessment interview, who was fuelling the child's insecurity because she supposedly couldn't let go.

And then there is her son, who clearly shows her: «I need security and your closeness! I want to spend the night with you when I'm scared.» And keeps signalling to her: «Everyone wants so much from me! I can't cope with it all! You can't overburden me and let me down.»

The mum looks at the list on the table and says: «I think we've all ...» - but she has forgotten herself! Now we find out what demands she places on herself as a mum. These are also contradictory: as a «good mum», she wants to be there for her child and protect it from frightening situations. On the other hand, she wonders whether this is good for him. She herself longs for more independence and flexibility and would like to increase her workload.

When the client sees herself as a wooden figure in the centre of all these expectations, she exclaims: «No wonder I'm so insecure!» At the same time, she gains self-confidence. When she writes down her parents' expectations in black and white, she shakes her head: «That's not really my problem! It's not my job to force my son to spend the night with his grandparents.»

At some points, however, she also realises that she wants to explicitly bring possible underlying demands to the table: work-related stress or not, she will demand that her husband takes a stand on issues relating to parenting in the future, supports decisions and represents them to his parents. She wants to continue to show understanding towards her own son, but also trust him a little more and take greater account of her own desire for more freedom.

Now it's your turn!

Perhaps you would also like to stop your own carousel of expectations and think about it:

• who expects what from you.
• which of these expectations match your wishes and goals and which you are therefore happy to accept.
• which claims you would like to consciously distance yourself from.
• where a clarifying conversation is needed about what unspoken expectations are really in the room and what they trigger in you.
• where areas of responsibility need to be renegotiated so that you can do well in the long term.