Can I be a good father?

Question from a father:

My wife and I have been married for 14 years and together we have three wonderful sons aged twelve, nine and three. For a long time now, I've been concerned that I always have arguments with our middle son Manuel. I don't know exactly why it's only with him. We actually get into arguments every day. This leads to a bad atmosphere at home.

The arguments mainly happen when Manuel has to do his homework: he has to fight his way through it because he can hardly concentrate after a long day at school and doesn't feel like doing it.

I have the feeling that I am an egoist.

I know exactly how he feels because I can still remember my school days very well. My father had no patience with me at all back then. And I would rather have been with my friends than doing homework.

I cried a lot on my own back then because I felt so bad. I really want to help Manuel with his homework, but somehow I'm too strict or my expectations are too high.

In any case, it's bad for me when Manuel starts to cry. I get the feeling that I'm just as impatient and angry with him as my father was with me back then.

I'm also often in a bad mood myself, which doesn't make me very valuable to my sons. I ask myself whether I can be a good father at all. I am very concerned about how I am towards my children. I have the feeling that I'm an egotist.

My wife thinks I find it difficult to deal with criticism. I then defend myself immediately, get angry quickly and say things that I later regret. I wish I could enjoy family life more. I also wish that everyone in the family felt valued.

I want our sons to grow up differently to me and not take over my image of myself and my memory as a bad pupil with low self-esteem. Maybe that's also the reason why I'm so strict when it comes to homework. I feel like I'm not managing to live out my desire for a family idyll. What should I do?

Answer from Jesper Juul

Thank you for your sensitive and open description of your situation. You describe some mechanisms and moods that are not uncommon in families. Taking a detailed look at your relationship with your father is the best way for you to grow as a father yourself.

As adults, we have two memories: an emotional and an existential one. The first stores many good memories, while the other holds a lot of pain. All of this bubbles to the surface in your life. The trigger is your middle son: he shows you how it ends if you are not the father you want to be.

Saying goodbye to self-destructive behaviour

We all have a basic need to be valuable to the people who are important to us. If they give us feedback that we are not succeeding in this, we get angry and blame them. However, there is a significant difference between children and parents: it's not the children's fault if we as parents don't feel as valuable as we would like to be.

Probably the most difficult task now is to check your self-image.

This is because they cannot decide within the family how they interact with each other. This responsibility lies solely with the parents. There is frustration in your family that everyone is doing their best, but that is not enough. Your son turns this frustration against others. You used to turn it inwards yourself.

Through your own upbringing, you have developed a certain behaviour and are now in a situation where you live in your own family in which you can grow as a person. However, this also means that you as a father and partner should say goodbye to the survival strategy that you developed as a child and to the self-destructive aspects of your behaviour.

If you do this, you will move closer to the high goals you have defined for yourself and your loved ones and experience how much these goals enrich your life. The condition is that you do all this sincerely. And that you share it with everyone.

You and your son are both a little shy, yet you are a dynamic man, so it won't be easy. You have to face the risk of your incompetence and thank your middle son for his help.

I am sure you can do this. Start practising with your wife by sharing your vulnerability and momentary helplessness with her.

Approach the children directly

The fact that you have three sons gives you the extraordinary opportunity to shape a «father model» that will be passed on deep into the next generation. You are a great father, if only because you recognise your own limitations and feel the urge to make a change.

Face the risk of your incompetence and thank your middle son for his help.

Your wife can't be that role model for your sons, but her love and care can certainly support you in the years to come. You can ask your wife for advice and help - but every time you feel insecure in your role as a father, it is better to approach the children directly and ask them directly.

Probably the most difficult task now is to review your self-image. Say goodbye to the man you were and accept the grief and fear.

Prepare yourself for a dynamic development that will now begin. Your current self-image and your constructive and destructive behaviour will come into contact with each other, which can only develop in the direction of loving relationships. Not from one day to the next, but certainly over the next few years.

In collaboration with familylab.ch

Exclusive interview in December 2017

• Was ist das Wichtigste, das Sie Ihrem Sohn mitgegeben haben? Jesper Juul im Exklusiv-Interview, Teil 1
• Was ist das Beste, das Ihnen im Leben passiert ist? Teil 2 des grossen Interviews mit Jesper Juul